Losing proposition

There is no doubt in my mind that I have a direct effect on my life. In two days I can lower my blood pressure over thirty points simply by cutting down on salt, on calories and drinking beet juice. Add a thirty minute walk and it's even better.

That being said, if I lose enough weight I don't need to do any of those things.

I know what to do. I've pretty much always known what to do, so why don't I do it?

The general rule of thought is that I am morally deficient in some way. Knowing what to do and not doing it.

I know all the reasons I overeat and do unhealthy things. I am often aware when I am doing it, but choose not to stop, which makes it all seem even worse.

For over 38 years I have struggled to lose nearly a hundred pounds -- over and over and over again. I began trying to go from 140 to 115. Now I vacillate between 165 and 240. Obviously it's been a losing proposition and they say it is unhealthy to do that too.

At the same time my doctor at the time will still encourage me to do it and I will eventually buckle down, starve and struggle and make myself miserable and do it again, only to creep right back up later on. Once I went almost ten years before I gained it all back plus a little more!

Tomorrow I go back to the doctor. I was supposed to lose 18 pounds. I lost ten then gained 22 when things got tough for a while.

It is difficult not to think of myself as some sort of failure, because I have in fact failed to lose weight. If I define myself in other ways I am certainly no failure, but that never seems as important.

It often seems to me that the world is designed to make life miserable and the biggest win is not to let it get me, but in the end I go around apologizing for being me.