Control

How did I get to be the person I am?

I think most of us wonder that at some time in our life, but it has been the subject of endless fascination for me.

I learn a lot about my birth family by looking at my siblings.  They each have magnified an aspect of one part of our parents until that part is bigger than life.  I don't think I did that, but mostly because I made a concerted effort to change aspects of my personality.

I wanted to grow up to be my father.  There was no chance I would grow up to be my mother anyway.  She was a delicate boned redhead with a fiery unpredictable temper.  I may have her temper, but I had a financially easier life which gave me more time to control mine.

Control is my nemesis.  I feel an obligation to be in control most of the time.  I don't think either of my parents had that.  No one seemed to be in control of anything in our house.  We lived on a downhill skid, always appearing to be more than we really were.  Both grandparents were very successful financially.

My parents loved us.  Like you might love kittens when they are cute and cuddly, but with some sort of total disregard for the fact that we would eventually have to go out and make our own way in the world.  Love without real direction is a strange anomaly.

Now that I am retired I look back and marvel at some of the experiences I had, but whether they were from choice or a basic lack of something I may never know.  I guess the real test of time will be watching my own children and seeing how they do.  I have been able to give up acting on my need to control them and I think I have instilled a sense of how to survive in them too.  We'll see.