Reflections

I am floating in a sea of time with no rudder and no sail and no apparent way to speed things up. I'm pretty good in a crisis, okay with simple day to day survival, but limbo I am not particularly good with.

This is a lot different than Chuck Berry's, "riding along in my automobile.... with no particular place to go." That's freedom. This is like anti freedom.

For the first time in years I find myself unable to enjoy my own company. Too many things are up in the air, including where I will be this time next month, or maybe even next week. I am like one of those gyroscopes pivoting around the table top, still centered on my own axis, but rolling madly around a confined space.

It is a space defined by money and the lack of it, the vagaries of a woman running an apartment complex filled with people neither one of us can really control, and the desire to keep myself from falling off the edge.

I try to be excited about reinventing myself. Since I brought almost nothing with me, I need everything. That would be a little more fun if I had unlimited amounts of money, but I don't. So, I have been just looking, trying to see what appeals to me and if I ever really decide then I will have to decide how to procure that in the best way possible for my circumstances.

I've always leaned towards high quality, sort of old world traditional. Right now I'm leaning towards red! Dark Russian red, old world red. Beautiful deep dark ruby red. Red bedspread, which I already have waiting to bring up here when I go get my bed. Red towels, red and Tuscany gold dishes, red, red, red. I've always liked red, but it is a pretty intense color and furnishing a life with it might get old fast. Or it just might be warm and sweet and full of life.

But I also want basic, not too much stuff to clutter up this new life so I have plenty of room to grow. Homey, simple, intense, that's me from the inside out. I want to be careful that when I furnish this new life of mine, I am true to who I am and not to who I think someone else would want me to be. That's not easy for me, because I am a one person chameleon, prone to actually believing I am whoever I am with, or thinking of at the moment.

When I say, I am you, it can come perilously close to imprinting as if it were the first day, because for me everyday is the first day. Sometimes every minute is the first moment. If I did not continuously believe that life begins now and moves forward from this moment, I would become mired in depression. I cannot allow that to happen.

So I just keep looking at my reflection....and well, reflecting.