Growing

Me.

This is where it all starts. For me, at least. For you, it starts with you, but not for me.

Everything I do, think, feel, act upon, or dream, all comes through this thing called me, whatever that all is.

I try to keep it simple, but I’m not really a simple creature at all. I am a collection of experiences held together by a body that is increasingly unreliable and I find that frustrating.

My mind and my feelings are as sharp and tender as they ever were, more so perhaps, but the rest no longer represents who I feel I am. It is like false advertising to walk around in this casing no matter how much I dress it up and deck it out. But I’m stuck with it, that is becoming increasingly obvious.

My first impulse is to hide away and only let out the parts of me that I like, but that is turning out to be a bit restrictive. First of all, there is an awful lot of me to hide away anymore. I’m twice the woman I used to be and that is no joke. I need to just embrace the fact that I am who I am. Slinking around trying to camouflage it just isn’t my style.

I have a birthday coming up tomorrow, November 25th. It is a big one for me, the first one I have ever dreaded, but I realize I could live another forty years. That is a long time if I can’t come to terms with both my age and my body.

In reality, my life is good. In fact, it is very very good. I have had the chance to experience things many people never do and I have a number of awesome people in my life, people I respect and love very much. So I suppose I need to just keep going forward, assuming the rest of my life will be the same. After all, it’s not like I’m a super model, or anything. Nothing in my life really relies on me looking good. It is more important that I feel good.

It is said that discomfort and inconvenience promote growth. Some of us have more opportunities than others. Please let me take advantage of the ones I have.