Let's See What I've Learned

Once I was afraid to show anything I did to anyone, but the universe is kind to me. It has sent me all sorts of people to bolster my confidence. These people are good at what they do, some are even professionals, so when they allow me to show them what I can do, I am both terrified and honored.

There was a time when a concert meant throwing up just before going on stage. There were years when no one saw anything I wrote at all. I was so paralyzed by lack of confidence that my art teacher despaired of me ever picking a subject and getting started. All of my parts in plays were always by default, I never auditioned. I was too afraid. One reason I play a musical instrument is because it means no one asks me to sing, which I can't do outside of my closest family. We are talking about seriously disabling shyness here!

I may have been born with part of it, but the rest is simply a well learned lesson while growing up. My grandmother and mother were accomplished musicians, much lauded mothers and small beautiful women. My father was the consummate teacher and a professional student. All my life, any one of them was right there for me, ready to help and tell me, in great detail, every tiny thing I did wrong in the hopes that it would help me overcome my flaws and allow me to excel. I know my flaws inside and out.

Then I met the beautiful people who have become my most influential teachers, each one taking me a step farther away from the trembling little apologizer I had become. The first was the woman I taught pre-school with, who referred to me as her angel and flooded me with positive thoughts for years and years. Another was a great musician who listened to me play without offering me any advice at all unless I asked for it and when I asked, truly helped, leaving me feeling better for having done so. Then there is the writer I admire more than anyone in the world, who still reads my work. His encouragement spurs me forever onward.

Yesterday I made a video of my backyard, which sounds silly, but it is such a beautiful part of my life here. I really just got lucky. The birds cooperated by singing and the rain splashed musically. I accidentally got myself in it and was so surprised to see me, I smiled! All a bunch of accidents that I thought ended up being kind of nice, so I sent it out to family and friends, even a friend who makes videos. One more step for me, he responded, “Very nice!”

I think I’ve crossed just about every barrier now. In the words of a my triumphant son when he dove into the deep end of the pool at three, “Let’s see what I’ve learned!”