The most valuable relationship

 

Sometimes I think you cannot really help most people. 

And that is because they are not really looking for help. They are looking for validation that they are right, or they are looking for sympathy, or even just wanting to be enabled.

I went to couples counseling for years and felt vindicated when the counselor told me things like, "The only thing you and he have in common is that you both love him."

Validation? Yes, but it didn't solve my problem.

Being right doesn't make things better. There has to be change for other things to change. Sitting around feeling sorry for myself, or patting myself on the back thinking, "By golly I knew I was right!" Neither of those things changed either one of us.

And nothing in our relationship changed, or improved. The sad truth, after knowing each other for over thirty years, was that our divorce was the beginning of my growth. 

I went to a counselor who asked why I was there and by the time I left her I had a much better idea of the things that made my life better. And it was all about me making changes in my thoughts, actions, and goals. I realized I had been passive aggressive and began stating my real needs not trying to placate someone else. I stopped blaming anyone else for my unhappiness and became accountable to myself. I allowed myself to experience the freedom of being me and doing what made me happy instead of trying to be who Grandma wanted me to be, or Mom wanted me to be, or some man, or some absolute stranger. 

I stopped passing the buck and did my best to find out how to feel joy in being me just because I was who I was. 

Somehow I grew up believing that if I made everyone happy I would be happy, but you can never make everyone happy. You have to start closer to home with yourself. If you aren't happy it is up to you to figure out how to change things and whether you do it by trial and error, by counseling, or simply dumb luck, it doesn't matter.

As long as YOU do it. It's not easy. In fact it may be the hardest things you could possibly do, but in the end life is better. One tiny increment at a time, things get better. It may take a long time. You may never reach what you believe is the perfect life, but you will be amazed at the satisfaction you begin to feel.

With yourself!

And you are the one person you will always have to live with. Work on that relationship first!