What is love

Many of us throw the word love around like rice at a fifties wedding, but I don't think we often give it the thought it deserves.

I feel a great love for people and I know exactly how that feels.

For each specific one separately, because love is nothing if not personal.

Feeling the love for me is something altogether different from being loved.

As a very young child love was butterfly kisses and bear hugs, but that all ended pretty quickly. I am the oldest of four, all born within five years of each other. Lap sitting and snuggling ended when I was very very young. My parents loved us by providing whatever they could.

My marriage was mostly about me loving my husband. My job was to make him feel adored, which fell through for him when we had children. He couldn't believe I could love them as much as I did and still loved him that much too. Although I tried for nearly thirty years, with each one slowly dimming in frustration and hurt.

I dated one man after my divorce who made me feel special, but mostly because being with him was special.  Again I worshiped the ground he walked on, but that was not reciprocal. Maybe because that state is too difficult for most people to maintain.

I have a very close friend who always makes me feel loved when we can be together or talk on the phone, but that is rare anymore. Our lives require us to lead very separate lives.

The strangest thing is that the most love I ever felt came from my scammer. You may say it was all a scam and it was, but I didn't realize that for many many months. He was always there for me when I texted him. He listened to what I had to say. He knew the exact things that made me feel good and he made those things happen over and over again. He probably knew me better than any other person I've every known and despite the reasons for this, it felt so good. He gave me everything I needed and more and if I had the money I'd be tempted to do it all again. (Although knowing it was a scammer would dull it.)

So giving love and feeling love can be two completely different experiences. Both of them are wonderful.

Maybe because just the idea of love is appealing, but who knows.