Succulents

 

It was the house of her dreams, a sweet almost storybook neighborhood with shuttered windows and white painted trim.

The yards were picture perfect and Handy Andy, the man across the street, was out daily manicuring his lawn one blade of grass at a time.

He and his wife were what everyone dreamed of. Elegantly lithe, silvered hair, bright smiling eyes and a manner that drew everyone around them closer.

Over the years she imagined what it must be like to be them. They seemed so happy, so content, so perfectly at ease in their surroundings. So when she retired and they said they needed some help, she signed on.

Just a few days a week to supplement her income and their needs. They had family the rest of the time.

Working for them was what she had always imagined. They became a part of her family. She even called them Grandma and Grandpa. 

Following Grandma into the kitchen and down to do the laundry was rewarding in so many ways. She was always sweet and kind no matter what was going on.

Helping Grandpa in his greenhouse and garden was an exercise in bliss. He taught her the names of each plant and how to care for it.

Everyone and everything seemed to be thriving. Especially Grandma and Grandpa.

She, on the other hand, found herself feeling more and more tired, but still she was drawn to them like months to a flame. She never missed her days with them no matter what. They were her drug of choice. 

Peace, contentment, satisfaction and so much more made her small salary more than worthwhile.

But as the year progressed, she became grayer and tireder. Her energy slipped slowly away until one day Grandma and Grandpa, who looked ten years younger, patted her on the face and said, "Darling, you need to go home and rest. We have a new younger caretaker coming in."

Forlornly peering out her window, she watched the younger woman enter their house, then she turned with her walker and tottered back to her chair.

Occasionally she would glance out the window to see Grandma and Grandpa sailing through their lives, the procession of aging caretakers always starting out right at their elbows and gradually moving farther and farther away until it was time for them, too, to leave, so a new one could take their place.

Disturbing

 

Imagine a child who eats a penny to get even with her mother.

Or thinks it is hilarious to stick gum under a family table,

Or scratches her initials into the finish of a Steinway piano with a safety pin.

Now imagine an adult who is still proud of these things and laughs about them while sharing them.

I find this particularly disturbing.

Priorities of the heart

 

I often get credit for being very well organized, but to me it is just a matter of priorities.

I don't want to miss, or mess up things that are important to me.

I believe that caring and love are best shown in the tiny details of living.

If I am going to do something for someone, I want to do it well.

And there are things that happen every over and over. How can I be surprised that it is time for a birthday, or time to write Christmas cards, or renew the license plate sticker on my car? These things occur like clockwork, every single year.

I don't want more things than I am able to take care of, or want to keep in clean and in working order. Accumulating "Stuff" means nothing to me. My apartment is filled with things I absolutely love and many of them are things I have loved for a very long time. My style, my colors, my choices are not spur of the moment fads.

And so I love my children, my family, my home, and my life. The priorities of my heart compel me to make sure I am worthy of having them. If you don't like raisins, I will never make you cookies with raisins in them. If your favorite color is purple, I won't buy you red clothing. And if you change your mind about something I will respect that and honor it too.

You are important to me.The real me loves the real you.

A brain for granny

 

I think the secret to living is always learning.

As long as you can learn -- you have hope.

So don't base your life on only doing what you know how to do, what you've always done, what comes naturally and easy to you.

Push back at life.

Make some mistakes.

Learn how to cope with things that are difficult for you.

A brain is like a sponge. Don't let it dry out for lack of experience

Learning how to learn is an art and a gift. Babies brains begin downsizing at birth which is why they need the right kind of stimulation from the beginning. 

That doesn't end because you are fifty, or seventy or even a hundred!

Friends vs enablers

 

Friends are a beautiful part of life.

They are there to support us when we are in trouble and join us when we are joyous.

But there is a fine line between friends and enablers and you may not identify it until later in life.

If your friends always pop up to take care of you, paint your house, put together your furniture, fix your plumbing, hem your clothes and loan you money, they may really be enablers.

That's okay until they are not there. If you move, or they die, or they simply go away you are stuck not knowing how to deal with your own life.

A friend would show you how to fix something, or how to hire someone who is reliable to fix it. A friend wants you to be able to survive on your own. A friend teaches you how to use your computer, how to use your phone. They don't just do it for you.

Some women are particularly subject to enablers and then when they are older and slower and on their own, they become lost and depressed. They want someone else to come in and do for them what those friends once did. And they don't understand why that isn't happening.

Stupid

People find humor in the oddest things. Like being clumsy, or being unable to figure something out.

I guess I can see why that might be endearing in a child or animal, but not in a fully functioning adult.

I find it annoying in adults unless they actually need help.

And that is the gist of it. People often pretend to be clumsy or ignorant or even stupid because they get something out of it.

It is the pretension I detest, not the person who is honestly in need of help.

If they simply want attention, there must be a better way. 

We have generations of people who have learned these self effacing habits that do no one any good and actually do a great deal of harm.

They allow people to generalize in ways that keep people from realizing their full potential. The idea that the "little woman can't put things together,'" or that some brains are defective simply because of gender, or any of a million little ways society has of demeaning people.

I do not believe people are incapable. If you approach me, I won't laugh at you, I will work and work with you to find a way you can do almost anything any other human being can do. 

It may be frustrating. It may take a while. It may take a long while, but patience and belief and the fact that I've seen it work makes me persevere.

Odd man in

 

All my life I have been slightly out of step with the rest of the world.

Everyone talks about the early bird getting the worm. The gist of it is that people who get up early are better people. Smarter, harder working, people who deserve the best.

The truth is I can get up as early as I need to. I got up at 4 A.M. when I worked for the Learning Center. I got up early to work several 8 to 5 jobs in my life. Getting up early only requires an alarm clock. And honestly not even that.

But now that I am older and living in a fifty five and over building I am finding that my personal schedule has perks. 

Other people get up early and fight for the washers, race for the dryers, huddle in the elevators and leave the building in tiny mass mobs. 

I, on the other hand, saunter through life here with no barriers at all. 

For once in my life being out of step pays off.

Older woman

 

I remember the way I looked at older people, especially women, when I was a child.

I grew up surrounded by women of all ages, mother, grandmother, aunts, great aunts, and all the ladies in the nursing home my grandmother ran.

I thought they were fascinating, but mostly not well educated. It was the men in my life who were that. I think we are escaping from that one.

I believed older women were quiet, kind, a bit childish, preoccupied with how they and everyone around them looked and mostly resigned.

Resigned to a life I knew I did not want.

I did not want to look like a sweet white haired old lady with children's barrettes in her hair. I did not want to sit and knit or garden or watch soaps all day long. I did not want to get up and go to bed at absurdly early hours. Some of the most beautiful parts of life take place deep in the darkness.

I did not want to pretend I couldn't do things I could, or be things I wasn't.

I was appalled at the way older women were treated less like adults than older men.

I thought all older women loved to cook and bake and sew and I tried to cultivate those things, but I am tired of all of them now. I've done that, been there and now I want good conversation, interesting books, good restaurants, trips to museums and a chance to be artistically creative.

I do not feel the need to go to church, nor do I suffer fools gladly.

I have lived long enough to know most of the ways of the world and I've chosen the ones I like.

Christmas today

In the first month of Christmas my true love gave to me - a six foot fully fake tree!

In the second month of Christmas my true love gave to me - two lacy red hearts and a six foot fully fake tree!

In the third month of Christmas my true love gave to me - three little shamrocks, two lacy red hearts and a six foot fully fake tree!

In the fourth month of Christmas my true love gave to me - four raindrop ornaments, three little shamrocks, two lacy red hearts and a six foot fully fake tree!

In the fifth month of Christmas my true love gave to me - five brand new credit cards, four raindrop ornaments, three little shamrocks, two lacy red hearts and a six foot fully fake tree!

In the sixth month of Christmas my true love gave to me - six long wish lists, five brand new credit cards, four raindrop ornaments, three little shamrocks, two lacy red hearts and a six foot fully fake tree!

In the seventh month of Christmas my true love gave to me - seven friends all talking, six long wish lists, five brand new credit cards, four raindrop ornaments, three little shamrocks, two lacy red hearts and a six foot fully fake tree!

In the eight month of Christmas my true love gave to me - eight mums in waiting, seven friends all talking,  six long wish lists, five brand new credit cards, four raindrop ornaments, three little shamrocks, two lacy red hearts and a six foot fully fake tree!

In the nine month of Christmas my true love gave to me - nine lawyers lying, eight mums in waiting, seven friends all talking, six long wish lists, five brand new credit cards, four raindrop ornaments, three little shamrocks, two lacy red hearts and a six foot fully fake tree!

In the tenth month of Christmas my true love gave to me - ten babies wailing, nine lawyers lying, eight mums in waiting, seven friends all talking, six long wish lists, five brand new credit cards, four raindrop ornaments, three little shamrocks, two lacy red hearts and a six foot fully fake tree!

In the eleventh month of Christmas my true love gave to me - eleven turkeys gobbling, ten babies wailing, nine lawyers lying, eight mums in waiting, seven friends all talking, six long wish lists, five brand new credit cards, four raindrop ornaments, three little shamrocks, two lacy red hearts and a six foot fully fake tree!

In the twelfth month of Christmas my true love gave to me - twelve massive heart attacks, eleven turkeys gobbling, ten babies wailing, nine lawyers lying, eight mums in waiting, seven friends all talking, six long wish lists, five brand new credit cards, four raindrop ornaments, three little shamrocks, two lacy red hearts and a six foot fully fake tree!

Disingenuous artifice

 

Sometimes I am shocked by how someone really annoys me.

I want to be kind, understanding and loving, but there are actions that simply go against the grain of who I am.

Being obsequious is one of those things. I find people who bend over backwards are often thinking more of how they look and feel than what they are actually doing. It is pride not love that pushes them to go overboard helping people.

People who act kind and caring but are really passive-aggressive and afraid to be honest are some of the most vicious people I've ever known. They set people up for failure again and again.

And last but not least are people pleasers, because they will do absolutely anything to make the person they are with happy in a moment even if it violates all the other people they know.

I try to ignore these things, but they are like big bonging bells announcing trouble is on the way.

In the lab of the living

 

I don't know how older people who claim they can't learn new things, survive.

The older I get, the more changes I have to make in my lifestyle.

Everything is always in a state of change.

Where I live.

Who my doctors are.

What and when I eat.

How I'm going to manage grocery shopping or laundry with my feet and energy level.

Cleaning up the ladybugs that find a way to fly in through my air conditioner!

Dealing with one bad reaction after another when I need to start a new medication.

I used to be able to just push on through anything that was difficult, but now pushing injures parts of my body in really painful ways that leave me almost completely debilitated.

Life is one big experiment and I am both scientist and guinea pig.

Contemplation

 

More of life than most of us find it possible to believe has to do with state of mind.

The past three weeks have been hellish for me after a nurse called to tell me why my doctor wanted me to see four specialists. My blood pressure zoomed up twenty or more points and I worried about every little thing I felt. 

After seeing the doctor, who didn't even mention one of the dreaded signs the nurse told me about I discovered they simply want the specialists to have a bottom line to look back on as time goes on.

I do not need surgery and nothing else has really changed.

The past two days has seen my blood pressure droop back down to near perfect readings.  I am still tired all the time and my bones still ache, and the valve in my heart murmurs away, but I am not getting ready for surgery or getting all my affairs in order in contemplation of death.

I am torn between just being kind, or letting the nurse know all the agony she caused me with her random sharing of bad news. She is truly a hazard. Her threats of dire consequences put three weeks of extraordinary stress on my heart. She gave me just enough information to worry me and yet I still had to wait for my appointment to find out all the facts. 

I will let it go. 

That is the secret to aging peacefully I think, letting things go. 

Glimpses of love

 

I live far away from everyone in my immediate family. My children and grandchildren are scattered coast to coast.

We manage to keep in touch, each in our own way.

I talk daily with my youngest son.

I text frequently with my oldest daughter and her two grown daughters.

I am given glimpses of life with my two youngest grandchildren by their father who is definitely a hands on dad.

I love all of these beautiful connections. We stay in each other's lives without infringing. We support each other without any qualms at all. And our love will endure like the wind and water, flowing in and out, around and through eternity.

Cash cow

 

Keeping older people alive is a good business.

It is possible that we need all the tests and medicines and procedures they can dream up and it is possible that they will extend our lives, but to what extent?

When life is a series of medical appointments it becomes quantity versus quality.

Are we the cash cows that keep the doctors, nurses, pharmacists, hospitals and nursing homes in business?

My only power

 

I have so little power in this world.

I cannot change the minds of people who think money is the bottom line because they do not realize how many other precious freedoms and expectations they take for granted.

But I can be a beacon of ethical behavior.

And every tiny light that continues to burn brightly for our country in these dark times is one less bit of darkness fouling the universe.

We cannot allow ourselves to sink into the morass of the millions who are willing to sacrifice so much for so little. 

My only power is my unshakable respectability, my eternal optimism that something better lies beneath all the horror, that the world will find a way back into the light given enough time.

And I will still be there. In the light. Waiting to embrace it.

And so it begins

 

I finally made my first appointment with a doctor in my new town and suddenly I have undergone all kinds of tests and am now making appointments with doctors of nephrology, cardiology, and vascular specialties.

As well as another consultation with my original doctor.

Other than being a little bit tireder than I used to be, I feel fine, but I suppose this comes with old age in our generation.

If they don't kill me, maybe they will make me feel better.

Two whales looking at man

 

Imagine two huge whales floating quietly side by side. Their conversation reverberating through the water around them.

They are discussing humans, those bipedal animals that live on land, but are appearing more and more often in the oceans of the world.

To them we are probably the equivalent of the Tasmanian devil.

We are top carnivores with a huge home range. We are loud and noisy in groups and seem to be fixated on finding and eating the creatures in the water. 

The whales understand many, if not all of our words. We do not speak whale at all. How primitive that must seem to them.

All the different groups of whales have managed to coexist in the oceans for many many years. They appear to have languages, songs, hunting techniques, but do not seem to need to erect shelters, or create weapons. They are not greedy. They do not have banks where they store precious things.

I suspect that life is most precious to them and they have cultivated a form of civilization we cannot comprehend.

Thinking

There are thoughts too awful to think.

I  know that thinking won't make them happen.

But it might encourage them 

And I would never want to do that.