Trauma

I still find myself feeling a sense of impending doom occasionally.

It is a feeling that has followed me from childhood when I never knew how my mother would respond to whatever was going on around us, to adulthood when my husband replaced my mother as the unknown force that could disrupt any moment at any time.

My experience with the scammer only reinforced this feeling when, after months of euphoria and feeling loved, I discovered it was all a ruse.

Now I am like the dog who has been rescued from the pound. Everything seems unbelievably wonderful, but what if I'm wrong and someone is still waiting to kick me when I least expect it.

Every bit of mail is suspect until I have perused it carefully. Every email is the same. Everything is dulled by the possibility that it is not the good thing it appears to be.

I just got a notice to come re-sign my lease agreement because my rent is going down. I went with trepidation that I might not have understood something. Nope! Rent went down! That's wonderful!

I got notices from both my car insurance and health insurance and had to make phone calls to be sure they were not zingers I had not expected. All is well!

Seventy five years of zingers is hard to recover from because they always came when I least expected them and ruined perfectly good moments.

And yet, I am really an optimist. Maybe that's what makes it so terrible. I expect the best, but I've learned it doesn't always happen.

I think it is going to happen more and more now and I am excited.