Trapped

 

Sometimes I feel trapped by my medical doctors who refuse to treat me unless I go to all the procedures they feel are necessary. 

I know this is in my best interest, but it increases the stress in my life by two hundred percent.

Gone are the days when I can go to sleep, or wake up without thinking my kidneys are at 26% or my weight is too high, or my blood sugar is too high. Of course that also means my blood pressure is too high.

It is like a self promoting circle of doom.

I often think I would rather live and die in a shorter amount of time than deal with all this worry. I'm doing the best I can and worrying does not improve anything, but when there is always a doctor appointment looming how can I forget?

Living

 

My age has allowed me to live through almost any situation you might be able to envisage.

Theoretically that means I should be capable of handing anything, but the opposite is true. I am capable, but I know I am only able to control me for sure.

I know, from experience, that there is no cut and dried method for everything, or anything really.

What worked one time may, or may not work the next. People, animals, even the weather, or a reaction to illness, are not really predictable.

As I grow older my body responds differently to medicine and is slower to recuperate.

But I also know that I am freer now in many respects too. I have less to lose. My money is gone. My belongings are minimal and the things I value are mostly relationships.

I do have an attachment to my phone and this computer and my paintings and art supplies, but those are things and while I might not be able to replace them exactly, they are NOT irreplaceable. 

Living seems to be a maze with an infinite number of twists and turns. Some lead into beautiful little niches while others lead into terrifying places, or dull swampy bogs, but if I just keep going it will eventually change.

Klara and the Sun

 

i recently read a book about an artificial intelligence who is purchased to become the friend of a little girl named Josie. 

The friend is programmed to do all sorts of things, but it views the world through its own experiences and limitations, which isn't really too different from the way we view things.

Eventually the friend realizes that it is there to help Josie die, or fade away in the words of the AI. Since she is powered by the sun, she has come to think of the sun as God and begins to try and persuade this God to favor Josie so she won't fade so quickly.

The book speaks to me on so many levels as I begin to fade. 

All things end, even AIs when their batteries no longer charge, but it becomes more personal as the end draws near. It doesn't matter whether we live to twenty or a hundred. We tend to try more extreme things as we become more desperate, or witness someone we love fading fast.

But in the end it is all futile, so most of us pretend there won't be an end until that becomes impossible. And in the interim we also develop eccentricities and pretend belief systems that help us deal with all the other things we have no control over.

Stressors and muses

 

Sometimes there are stressors in life that I think are necessary, but it may turn out that they are legitimate fears that my subconscious is reluctant to let go of.

I have faced abandonment so many times in my life, you might think I would get used to dealing with it. 

After all it is not ever the end all I think it is when it happens. It is simply a doorway to a new way of being or thinking, or living and all unknowns are uncomfortable in some way.

And, honestly, each one has led to something better most of the time.

I lived with the knowledge that my husband was unfaithful in so many ways for most of our long marriage. That kind of worry and doubt cultivated for years and years and years is bound to promote stress. Then I dated someone who was a freer spirit than I was used to and that was stressful too, although it was a profound lesson in loving. Add an actual scammer to all this and it is not unreasonable to see why I find it difficult to trust people.

But not trusting most people is unfair to everyone, them and me. We should be able to start with a clean slate except my slate has a fine mist of leftover bits left on it. And blow as hard as I might; washing it clean night after night, even trying to replace it with something totally new just can't seem to make everything bright shiny new. I am damaged goods.

That is stressful.

Sometimes I feel more like a thing than a human. During those times all my creativity dies. That is why I need a muse. That muse becomes the key to my freedom. Our interactions allow my thoughts to soar into those unimaginable places and become imaginable.

Unfortunately being my muse is not easy and it seldom lasts very long. Then losing the muse becomes another stressor as I ponder and grieve the loss.

Age

 

I was the oldest child in my family, but after my marriage I was often the youngest person.

My ex was older. His parents were the age of my grandparents and his brother the age of my parents.

We played a lot of Bridge which tended to be a game played by older people.

Our neighbors were older people.

Many people in our church were either much older, or much younger, so we were often the "young couple" who lead the teens in our EYC group or as servers.

Now I am almost always the oldest person around.

My coworkers are mostly 35 years younger and some even more than 50!

I have children and grandchildren who are adults or approaching maturity.

My friends have mostly retired in other places, but the women in my meetup group are much younger.

They say age is what you make it, but all in all, I would say it was easier to do things a few years ago. Now I get tired faster and injured more easily. I don't have the energy to do all the things I want. Especially now that I have gone back to work.

My sister has been the closest person to my age for most of my life, but we do not have many things in common. Our choices in music, reading, television, movies, plays and hobbies are very different, but we do have a common history and that becomes comforting as I grow older.

Is it possible

 

What if I could actually change my life by using my mind? Not by going to classes, or tricking someone, or using it in generally accepted ways, but in nontraditional ways?

If life is but a dream, is it possible to imagine the life I want and make it happen? Or is that simply new age wishful thinking?

If some part of the brain is able to use new neurons to improve life, is there a way to facilitate that?

In fiction people use their third eye to do all sorts of things. What if I could use it to improve my life?

Then there is the question of whether or not I would notice it if I did?

Is my reality always just a foregone understanding that this is it? Do I accept changes as a normal part of living?

Any of these things could be a normal part of living, but I like to play with the idea that there is something more to it all. Can I think myself into something else? Like in Music Man where they use the think method to learn to play instruments, or shamans think themselves into the shapes of animals, or a swami causes himself to levitate, Is any of this possible in real life?

If it were possible, what would I use it for?

I would imagine myself able to maintain a healthy eating style. I would develop my maximum energy level so I could do all the things I want to do without hurting or being tired. I would also imagine myself capable of truly empathizing with people around me and developing the skills to communicate with them on a meaningful level. These are all things I value and find difficult.

It's the old healthy mind in a healthy body goal along with being a useful human being.

sky people vs earth people

 

In Fiddler On The Roof  Tevya is talking to his daughter. He says a fish may love a bird, but where will they build a home? The idea is that they need to have more in common.

Growing up I heard opposites attract and my parents were mostly opposites. I thought my ex-husband and I had much in common, but over the years I discovered we were very different people. We clashed!

I think rather than alike or opposite, it is complimentary that I am looking for.

Someone described it as earth people and sky people, but I am a sky person and my ex was definitely an earth person, so it is not as simple as that either, although I believe it is closer.

A dreamer, a romantic, an artistic sort needs someone with their feet on the ground. Someone who understands the importance of stability and reality.

It does not mean they are polar opposites, just that while floating freely to securely anchored tethers, neither one floats away into deadly waters.

There are some necessities in life that are necessary if it is to be enjoyable. A safe place to live and food for both the mind and body are starters.

Forever Muse

What do I want and why do I want it?

That seems like a pretty straight forward question.

Only it is not. Maybe it never has been for me. 

I think I have always been more focused on what I should be, or what people expect me to be. The one thing I truly wanted was children and I found a way to have them. In fact, I went to all sorts of extremes to have children in my life. Pregnancy, fostering, adopting, teaching, I spent a good part of my younger years accomplishing this one goal. It was important to me. It still is, only now my children are grown and my grandchildren are almost grown.

Now where do I put my focus?

That is a difficult question because a part of me feels I am too old, too unattractive, too unaccomplished, too undeserving to have what I think I would like now.

But if I put all those things aside, I think I would love to find a companion to share my life.  Someone to talk to, maybe to write to, to dream with, to travel with. Someone who could love me for just who I am and not get tired of my unwavering devotion. Someone to be my forever Muse, a person I can dream of, write about, and maybe even hold in my arms, because I am overflowing with love.

I have to admit I really don't expect that to happen. 

It takes all my courage to even think it and even more to write it,

But that is what I want and why.

Honesty

 

Honesty is a huge part of life.

It's okay to be a romantic, to have a big imagination, to try and be positive, but in the end honesty wins out over everything else.

How else can I trust that I am keeping myself safe?

Wanting a dream and having a dream come true are not the same thing. If dreams came true all the time it would be a different world. That is not being negative it is being realistic. If something seems too good to be true, especially at my age, it probably is. I have to trust my instincts. They have been finely honed over the years, especially the last year.

I'm not sure I'd believe anyone new I met was who he or she was until I actually met them in person. On that particular point I am damaged goods.

Acclimating

 

Acclimating to new situations is something everyone has to deal with. As a young person I did it so quickly I didn't even think about it.

I remember moving into our first home in Bloomington. It felt like home almost immediately. A few years later when we bought our first house, it took longer.

Now I've been in this apartment almost six years and just last spring it really felt like home. This is the first apartment in over 13 years that has done that. The others always just felt like a place I was staying until I moved. Part of it was hanging my paintings in the bedroom and part of it was realizing it was the best apartment I can afford, so moving would be counter productive.

I started working again about 22 weeks ago. It is a job I love, but it takes a lot out of me. Part of that was the unintentional feeling sorry for myself because it was necessary after being scammed and part of it is the strain it puts on my bones and muscles. I would come home and crash, eating whatever was quickest and easiest to find, then go to sleep and do it all the next day.

This week, for the first time, I found things changing. I realized I no longer felt sorry for myself and I have a tiny bit of energy left to prepare food when I get home. I also realized my kidneys are at a critical point where I must take care of what is left of them, so diet is important.

I'm trying something new food wise and I'm hoping to acclimate to this new way sooner rather than later.

Enduring right

 

I try to remember that one of the last freedoms in life is the right to choose my attitude. 

It sounds like a small thing, but it isn't.

Attitude influences everything. It is the light nuanced in the darkness, the hope lingering in the chaos, the spark that makes it possible to go on when all the statistics say it is useless.

It is an ephemeral thing, I can't teach you one, two, three steps to achieving it. I can't always even demonstrate how to do it, but I know it is possible to use this enduring right to make life tolerable, or even great.

I am hard wired to find the good in anything I cannot avoid. It may sound like a lot of hoo ha, but it really does make life tolerable. 

My imagination seeks out creative stories to explain to myself why I am okay with whatever is; and as long as I am comfortable with them, they work. Sometimes those stories lead me into a different way of dealing with the reality of my life, then I am so grateful.

I've discovered that stepping back and looking at my life from the outside is a good way to find balance. Quality of life counts! Separating myself from petty gossip, biased opinions, and simple overly critical judgments can make all the difference in the world. Nothing is really black and white. All those gradations in between become the staircase to a happier life.

Once upon a time

 

She came into my life as a tiny foster child twelve days before her fourth birthday.

She had a severely limited vocabulary. 

She was still in diapers and her feet had been badly burned by scalding water a year or two before.

We ended up adopting her, but did not know how things would turn out.

Years of fantastic teachers and lots of dedicated hard work by her and our entire family got her through high school and into the work force.

She is and always has been a good worker and she has supported herself her entire adult life. I used to think it would be nice if she could meet a child from a family similar to ours. A family that was dedicated to helping their child succeed. One whose child had manners and social graces that were deeply ingrained. A family wanting and willing to see their child succeed in this world.

It took her nearly fifty years, but they met and this past week they were engaged in Cancun on a fairy tale beach! This is a match made by two extraordinary people who have worked hard to achieve the American dream.

They both have jobs to be proud of, a lovely home, and each other. That's as close to happily ever after as most of us ever get.

Good company

 

In this world money counts for so much more than it is really worth.

In the words from Fiddler On The Roof, if you're rich they think you really know.

Sometimes that is true, but there are a lot of rich people who don't fall into that category. 

And there are a lot of people who work hard every day without making a lot of money who are very good, very intelligent, wonderful people.

So if you are doing your best and keeping your head in the right place, never be ashamed of being poor, because you are in the company of a lot of good people.