With love

 

Beauty and truth can accompany pain. Forgiveness can also be part of the process. It doesn't lessen the pain, but it makes it a bit more bearable.

Nothing can change truth. I cannot be a person I am not. You cannot be someone you are not, either. No amount of pleading with fate, or God, or the power along The Way, can make things what they are not, so it is up to me to try and understand the hows and whys of what happened.

I choose to find the love, because there was love. Certainly on my side there was love and a part of me wants to believe it was on your side too.

We have said good bye so many times, but I think this is the final one. It hurts. More than I ever believed it was possible to hurt, but it is the right decision.

I know I will still think of you, but at least it will be with love. Know that.

I loved you with all my heart and all my soul and that kind of love doesn't just go away, but god willing it will fade a bit over time so that my heart stops breaking.

Killing me softly

Imagine hearing the words you've dreamed of all your life.

You try to debunk them, present argument after argument about how facetious they are, only to have them reiterated.

It is the love of a lifetime, something every soul would give their soul for.

In the end you pour yourself into it, bask in the beauty, invest one hundred percent in its truthfulness.

Only to discover it was a scam all along.

Can a soul survive this kind of cruelty?

Perfect love

 

I remember pushing in between my parents when I was three years old. They were standing in the kitchen hugging each other and kissing and I instinctively knew I wanted to be part of that.

It was perfect love to three year old me.

It still is. I have been looking for that love for the rest of my life.

There is nothing I want more that to feel that again before I die.

 

Attitude

 

It is so easy to blame the bumps in the road on ice and snow, on heat and time, on anything except my constant treading over it.

People like to say, "Oh it's all about you" as if that is a negative thing, but it really is all about me!

It is my perspective, my actions, my thoughts, that determine most of my world.

When love is in the air, I cannot allow myself to be a black hole in the landscape. 

Instead , I want to breathe in the love, let it fill my soul, my lungs, my heart, and yes, my head too.

Skepticism, fear, negative thoughts, all wear away the beauty of the world. The people who planted them in my head thought they were protecting me, but they are destroying me.

Something as precious as love deserves to be protected.

Attraction

 

I'm not sure what actually governs the life of a simple human being. Whether it is simply self-determination, or something bigger like the will of god, or possibly the vagaries of fate, but I do know I seem to be driven by something I have little control over.

It is as if two very powerful magnets were placed close to each other. Together they keep a third thing in place, so moving either one creates problems for all three. Yet, I am not sure what the thing they are supporting is. I only know I do not seem to be able to escape it.

I have tried walking away. It does not work for me. The very act of leaving scoops all the will for living out of me. I am left without any joie de vivre, or even the will to go on.

All of my peace is attached to this way even though it is terrifyingly unique. 

Perhaps this is what draws the salmon home, or the monarch butterflies back to Mexico. 

Am I being called home by some force so great I cannot see it? Or is it some flaw in my character?

I suppose it does not matter. I am powerless here. To live I must submit.

Despair

 

My hands tremble.

My breath catches in my throat.

I want to retreat to the womb, to the old warm place where nothing matters.

You say you can save me. You can help me.  

If that is true I throw myself at your feet

And wait for you.

Living with shame

 

Whosoever cuts off my head may keep my axe, but then must come to me a year later and allow me to cut off his head. So goes the story of Sir Gwain, a knight beyond reproach, and the Green Knight.

Sir Gwain does the deed and to his horror the Green Knight, bleeding profusely, picks up his severed head by the hair and rides off.

A year later Sir Gwain rides out to meet the Green Knight and stays with a man and his wife while waiting.

The man tells Sir Gwain he will go out hunting every day and bring Sir Gwain whatever he kills, but Sir Gwain must give him whatever he gets in the man's home.

Sir Gwain is tempted by the man's wife daily and thanks to his virtues fends her off with only a kiss that he shares with her husband until the last night when the wife offers him a green girdle that will protect him from being killed.

At last Sir Gwain is so tempted that he capitulates and this time does not share the girdle with the husband. 

He is saved, but the shame marks him for life. Arthur makes him king, but his kingdom crumbles, his son dies in battle and he never gets the woman of his dreams.

We cannot escape our shame.

Life

 

You cannot always choose the person you fall in love with and there is no guarantee that person will love you back, but there are a thousand feelings locked up in between these two actions.

If love were a weapon it would be the deadliest, but usually, it is a gift.

It feels so good to love, maybe even better than being loved.

And it hurts so much not to be loved by the person you love, it is incomprehensible.

Twice I wanted to die for love.

Once I almost suceeded.

The second time love jumped in and held me above water until I got my breath. He refused to let me do the unthinkable, even threatening to join me if I kept on going. 

In all my life there has been no greater gift than that.

Love gave me life.

Choice

 

There comes a point in everything in every time when a decision is finally made.

Be it good or bad, right or wrong, in that moment it becomes right.

The consequences are irrelevant.

There is really no choice.

Fate has decided and fate will carry it through.

If it was made in love, then all is well and all is well and all is well.

If it was made in error, then it couldn't have been made at all.

Because there is no error in love.

There is only choice and I choose love.

Reaching out

 

I have lived, like many people I suppose, among people who gave with one hand while taking away with the other. It creates chaos in the mind. Such a world, for all its apparent stability is very difficult to make sense of.

So when someone comes along and offers me a hand up and out of the safety of my present life, it can be hard to accept it. How do I know they won't pull me up halfway and then let me drop? 

I have become a Doubting Thomas. I need to see and feel the holes in my lord's hands in order to believe, or maybe I just need him to say the right words that trigger the trust button hidden deep in my mind.

But even touching those tortured hands is not enough. Trust requires two people reaching out, holding on, believing that the abyss doesn't beckon from beyond.

Yesterday I was able to reach out.

I believe

 

I believe that the universe is energy and that I am a part of that energy. In essence I am that energy, just a little tiny piece, but every bit as powerful and potent as the whole thing if I really understood how it worked.

I must cultivate positive beliefs. 

Not only does that make me a happier person, but it also eliminates a lot of negative energy.

It does not matter to me if you call this energy god, or the creator, or Allah, or Jehovah. A name is only a label. It does not define what is in the bottle.

I do have a problem with much of the dogma religions have today. I do not believe this ineffable power is a giant human with all our foibles, insecurities, or needs. I do believe it is incomprehensible.

I believe that prayer and meditation are a way to connect to this power and faith is the conduit through which I personally do that.

Differences

 

The biggest difference between me and most people my age is that I still believe in the fairy tale.

I still believe with all my heart and all my soul that beautiful and unlikely things can happen as long as I am alive.

My life has proved this to be true again and again.

It requires faith that it is so, a little innovation and lots of courage and not one of these things can be considered minimal.

To live life to the fullest it is necessary to step outside my comfort zone and reach for those things I want badly enough to face the consequences.

A thousand years

I know who you are. How could I not?

I am so proud of you, so impressed by your standards and amazing work.

The world knows you too and that does not surprise me. I know I share a part of you with everyone and I'm okay with that. How could I ever deny others the joy of you?

But to me you are first and foremost my baby.

I look at you and see your loving eyes and beautiful smile.

I listen to you and I hear gentle wise words.

I appreciate your calmness, your ability to forgive my impetuousness, your love.

In my world you are almost god-like compared to the other people I know and that is saying a lot.

If I live a thousand years I don't think I will ever be able to adequately express my gratitude for you.

Learning curve

 

Perseverance and patience, two different life skills that are an important part of growing and learning. 

I am pretty good at perseverance, but patience is a whole different story.

I want things to happen now. I am willing to push and pull, tug and sometimes even threaten to get my way. That may sound like someone who is very determined and it is, but it is also someone who might not have really thought out the consequences.

A big part of success in life is seeing the consequences of your actions before they cause problems. I tend to act first then look back in dismay. Fortunately for me the love of my life is a very understanding and kind person. He knows who I am and what I need and is willing to give me the leeway to make these mistakes.

The world is not always so accommodating and so before I am close enough to him that my actions will reflect on both of us, I need to be able to foresee the results of my actions. I need to become more of a decider than a doer, which sounds simple, but really isn't.

In my world I am so often the person who really knows and really understands things, so my confidence level is pretty high. In my Love's world I only think I know and understand things. There are more differences than I ever dreamed of.

The obstacles in my path may be Fate's way of preparing me to open the gateway to my new life and I need to take advantage of every opportunity to learn.

A whole lot of love

 

It is no small thing to be understood.

Someone who can take all the words, the actions, the thoughts, even the non-action and sweep it away into a box labeled, I understand, is someone special.

Truly understanding someone takes both empathy and compassion. 

It is not hard to look at someone and see their physical persona, but how do you see their feelings?

Those feelings precipitate a lot of actions, a few of them that could be pretty hurtful if you didn't understand where they came from.

It's easy to say, "I understand you," but to actually do it?

That requires a special kind of love.

Wants and needs

 

People deserve to be loved the way they need it.

Not everyone wants, or needs, the same things, but that does not make one thing better than another.

Some of us feel more loved when we feel needed.

Others when they are adored.

And I am sure there are a million other things that fall in between.

But if you find a couple where both of them need to be needed and adored, it is a match made in heaven.

Egos are set aside.

Truth reigns.

And it is as if the angels have come down to earth.

Love

 

In this great illusion I call my life it is hard to keep a true perspective.

Time feels so real to me. It drags on some days until I think I will go mad with the waiting.

The trials seem unending. How much more can I bear?

The answer is simple.

I can bear whatever it takes if it brings me to you my love.

I understand that in this illusion I call The Way, we are already together, that this picture I have in my mind of us being half a world apart is only my inability to see past the illusion. Our souls have never separated and in the eye of the all powerful we are one and the same.

We are all manifestations of love, simply beloved children, created out of love to bring love into existence.

But that is a difficult concept for a simple woman whose heart yearns for the Beloved.

Need

 

When the world comes crashing in on you

And you think you cannot bear to take the next breath

Where do you look for comfort?

How do you hear the words that keep you going?

Are you like Rumi with Shams?

Do you have a personal link to that power that holds everything together?

Or is it something else that keeps you sane in an insane world?

I need to know.

Today I need to know more than anything else.

Alone together

 

I feel a shift in the world. My world. 

I still feel my heart leap in my lover's presence.

But now there is a stability to it that was missing before.

Now I am part of a couple that stands firmly together, arms around each other, hearts and heads leaning towards each other, united by something more than gushing words of love.

Never, in my whole life, have I felt this kind of surety, this sense of security. The panic is gone.

I am not dangling off his arm ready to fall on his next whim and he is not standing beside me waiting for my next barb.

We stand united, two separate strong beautiful people, mightily in love with life and each other. 

This is the relationship I once dreamed about and thought nonexistent.

It takes a special love for this to occur. Two people secure enough within themselves to allow the other to be real and whole and to stand alone so they can stand together.

Obstacles

 

Many great love stories are great because of all the obstacles the lovers had to overcome in order to be together.

Sometimes the Way seems so steep, so rocky, that walking along it feels impossible.

The rocks penetrate our feet making walking hard. The air is so acidic that breathing hurts, the storms are so great that it feels we will perish before we can weather them out.

But this is all illusion.

It is an illusion for some ineffable purpose I do not understand. I only know that it is up to us to weather it all, bear it all, learn from it and come through on the other side holding hands.

United we are a power to be reckoned with.

I promise never to let go of you no matter how far we fall, or how fiery the terrain becomes. You must promise me the same. There are lost love affairs that might have been epic had the lovers not given up and let go. 

We will not be one of them.

That smile

 

Is there anything better than seeing someone I love happy?

The smile on that face lights up my whole world.

It makes me smile.

It is like a line of dominoes all tumbling forward in perfect synchronicity.

When my beloved is happy, all is right with the world.

Fate

Fate is the matchmaker who rises once every millennia.

People do not believe in it. They will not accept it. They cannot see it, or tolerate it and that is why they must not know until it is too late for them to interfere.

Once Love meets Love it is inescapable. It cannot be left behind, or forgotten. It cannot be ignored. 

I tried and it nearly killed me. 

Thank god you were wiser, more tolerant, more believing. 

You held us to a higher, a finer, a more beautiful standard and look where we are now!

When Love manifests it is like the sun rising every morning to kiss the earth and only making room for the moon at night because it must rest or die.

I have learned. I will not speak of it again until you bring the nonbelievers all together with me sitting at your side. 

Then they must believe their eyes.

Words

 

Fate is an amazing thing.

In the space of eight words it changes a life.

In three words it defines and answers a dream.

And all the words in the world cannot describe the feelings and beauty that surround these words.

One day someone slipped into my life and I was stunned!

Right there, in front of my own eyes, was the person I respected more than anyone else on earth.

A person filled with wisdom and kindness, intelligence and love. There is no more perfect person for me anywhere in the universe. 

Simple words that say it all:

You're mine now.

Holding hands

 

 It is so much easier to watch drama unfold in a film than it is to live through the experience in real time.

Those minutes of suffering and indecision on the big screen are heart touching and relatively brief, but in actuality can stretch out for months.

When I can't see the end I may know it will all end well, but for any sane person there is some doubt.

The hero gives up everything for love. Family, fortune, security, all are forfeited in the name of something offered by god and his angels and in the end it all comes back ten fold.

How courageous must both lovers be to walk through this storm armed with nothing more than the other's hand.