Here and now

 

I grew up wanting to be and marry a man like the men my father worked with. Professors in tweed coats, smoking pipes and discussing art and poetry and great ideas. 

Then came the sixties and I wanted to be a farmer's wife, living off the land, eating food we grew, making my children's clothing, writing poetry and getting back to nature.

In college I met a man I thought was like my father and he had a beautiful name. Times were turbulent and emotions ran rampant. I married him convinced he was the love of my life.

Of course he was in Vietnam most of the time preceding our marriage, but those were the days my friends. I really thought they would never end They did. He was a good provider and for a couple of years he was even a good and faithful husband. 

My father always used to say that Adam and Eve got married. Then they got bored and decided to raise a little Cain. I thought if we only had children our marriage would be better. Nobody worked harder than I did to have children. I had nine miscarriages, was a foster mother and then we adopted two children. Right after that our youngest son was born and I loved those children more than life itself. I thought that was enough. I made their clothes. I made their baby food. I made them the center of my life.

But it was not enough.  I suffered through the lies, the betrayals, the other women and the pain of knowing I was not enough. There are a million ways to hurt your wife and my husband was exquisitely adept at most of them.

Now I am a divorcee of over twenty-two years and while life is not perfect, I have learned it is pretty darn good. The people in my life choose to be here and I want them here. I have had time to learn who I really am, warts and all and I can not only live with myself. I like me! I find it hard to think about, or talk about my good points, but I believe I really do have them.

I do have a professor to talk to, but we don't sit around in tweed jackets smoking pipes. We find it much more satisfying and fun to do a thousand other things. I no longer want to get back to nature, except from the lovely bug free shade of a screened in porch. I can still write poetry, or stories, or just my dreams if I choose. I still love my children more than life itself, but I don't need all the props I thought were necessary to feel fulfilled and happy. 

I am happy being me. Here and now.