Feelings

 

It is hard to imagine that something as insubstantial as feelings could have as much power as they do. 

My feelings are like a powder cask just waiting to be blown wide open. Ready to overwhelm me, or seemingly so. Although the long standing truth is that I have never had that happen, or maybe that I have never experienced wild uncontrolled feelings.

Once I had a very serious, extraordinarily quiet interlude where my feelings suggested I over imbibe a prescription and take a book out into the country to read until it worked. That failed. Mostly because I also have a very serious belief in fulfilling my responsibilities (or at least some of them) and I under estimated how long I would have before the prescription took effect.

That was over twenty odd years ago and I went through tons of counseling dealing with it, as well as making major life changes.

I no longer feel any need to shorten my life in any way.

I do feel like this year has performed some kind of black magical curse that has made me leap from an older woman to an old woman without any warning. Suddenly I am cold all the time, worn out after just a few minutes of unsupported standing, and think I could be content going from my bed to my recliner most of the time. Writing, painting, reading, eating - there isn't much more I really need anymore.

It could be medical. I have had and will have more doctor appointments with my primary care physician and a nephrologist, but I don't have any desire to go to extraordinary lengths to preserve this life which feels basically complete.

My best friend is facing the demise of a much beloved dog and having to make hard decisions as he goes along. He is willing to do almost anything to keep her alive as long as she doesn't suffer. Her impending death leaves me unbearably sad. I feel a connection to her that I have felt with nothing else. It seems that she embodies my feelings before this year, but I am ahead of her now even though I do not have any known diseases. 

I no longer have the stamina to go shopping, or hiking, or even grocery shopping without great exertion. I keep looking for improvement, but wondering if I am only imagining it.

Feelings! Which ones are real and which ones are simply the curse of an over active imagination?