Reality

Imagine God telling you. "Everybody dies and you are always being watched, even when you think you are alone."

God, in the all powerful form of my mother, taught me this from the moment I was born.

I remember wondering what heaven would be like because the only person I knew there was my grandfather and I had no memory of him, except through my mother's memories and words.

I also remember my mother repeatedly warning me. "You might think I'm mommy, but I might really be Santy Claus here to watch you, so you better be good."

I was three going on four.

To this day I have concerns that people are not who I think they are.

Thanks to my mother's careful cultivation I was always aware that we were moving and leaving all my friends behind, so I had better be grateful for my family, and aware that even that could be taken away without notice.

I've never expected people to stay long. And yet my husband, a narcissist who was probably also on the Asperger's Autism spectrum, which I didn't know at the time, stayed around for thirty years. I was afraid to leave him and miserable with him. And it wasn't until recently that I began to understand some of the whys.

Now I am seventy years old and for the first time in my life feel there is no real future, or at least not one with any meaningful differences to look forward to. Any romantic relationships are headed for age related problems in the near future. And I don't have the energy for starting new projects anymore.

I will probably not leave this apartment, it is as close to perfect as I can afford. I will probably not have any more pets, they deserve better. I see no reason to try and lose weight, or get healthy. I have no goals. Nothing to look forward to.

So, do I stick around for the finale or what?

Is it worth it?