Thinking

It is officially my birthday. Of course I will not be born until nearly eleven thirty, but it is close enough.

The first birthday I remember was looking up at the coconut covered lamb cake on the table as I sat in my Dad's big chair at the end of the table. I got white fur bunny slippers and a blue negligee set.

The next big birthday that I am sure I remember was when I turned six and we had a birthday party in the Lincoln room at my grandfather's restaurant. My favorite gift was a small doll diaper bag from Johnny Ball.

Then the year I turned thirteen we had moved to a country town where my dad taught school. I walked into the kitchen that morning and he said, "Welcome to the world of the teenager where you will feel (something about odd and misunderstood) for the next five years."

By the time I was twenty one I was married and living in Kansas where fields of sunflowers turned their faces all day long to really follow the sun.

I cooked my first Thanksgiving dinner for my whole family and their families on my fortieth birthday. It was a huge crowd.

Fifty was scary because I had just gotten divorced, but my friends took me to the country club for Thanksgiving and I fell asleep afterwards.

Sixty was daunting, but I had met Bestest and life was looking up. I'd been living alone for ten years and was starting to feel comfortable in my own skin.

Now I am sixty nine and I have to say that it seems there have been some pretty dramatic changes in my body during the last two weeks. I'm hoping they are in my mind, but I'm not sure they are. My skin seems dryer and more wrinkled. My muscle tone looks off. I haven't been sleeping as good as I was.

But I still volunteer, go to the gym for an hour every day, take care of my apartment, shop, and play with the dollhouse. I read every night, write every day, even draw every day. I'm refinishing a doll house staircase and do my laundry. So, I'm really not slowing down.

I just keep trying to remember my grandmother at this age. She's my only real role model. I know what she did and how she did it. I only wish I knew what she was thinking and feeling.