Infinity divided by one

I am here. Always here, in the M.C. Escher version of living. Up, down, around, into.

I get the feeling that if I just look a little closer, or harder, or for the right amount of time, or at the right angle, I will see the truth of it.

As if everything is before me and I only have to learn to see it, to figure out how to maneuver, and the reality of it will reveal itself to me.

Right now it feels like my life is starting to come into focus. If I were Hansel and Gretel I would be able to see the bread crumbs. My homesickness would feel hopeful that we were no longer lost. It is as if my dreams have traded places with my other life.

It is like reaching down into a big soft bag and knowing that everything I ever wanted or needed is in there, but I can only pull it out if I recognize it with my fingers and mind -- not my eyes or rationality.

And then I pull back. Afraid, because when the veil is too thin and life feels too much like the fairy tale, I know there could be a big bad wolf lurking in the darkness, or a sea monster lying in the depths,or a bog ready to swallow me whole with my next step.

All around me are the souls of ancestors, recycled into me. One soul with a thousand hearts and a million thoughts, but only one essence appearing as everything.

It is a terrifying comfort when I feel like this.