Live Fireworks!

Modern technology is awesome.

I was able to join my nieces, nephews, and other relatives online tonight.

Live!

And watch my nephew set off the fireworks in a small town in Illinois.

And that was after having dinner with my daughter and her boy friend, who cooked spicy shrimp for dinner. Afterwards we all took a walk together, syncing our walk programs on our phones.

When I think of how isolated older people used to be I am so grateful to be born into this age.

Hope

The gift of not knowing -- is -- hope.

No one thing is truly just one thing.

It is one thing surrounded by possibilities.

Opening the door to innumerable results factored by an infinite number of catalysts.

Being open to change increases the possibilities of hope so that being closed minded is almost a sin against humanity.

Open your mind. Open your heart. Open the way.

And allow the future to bloom in unimaginable glory.

Nightmares

After having nightmares so bad that I was up half the night and sweating so badly I had to change the sheets, today turned out better than I thought.

I was half sick all morning, then I ate a reasonable breakfast around noon and felt good enough to walk two miles with my daughter after she got off work.

We walked, went out to dinner and when I came home I sent her the picture of how things are stacked up for the move.

She and her boy friend are doing the lion's share so I am going to thank them with a bed frame and headboard.

She's happy.

I'm happy.

I didn't overeat today.

And maybe I will sleep better tonight.

Problems

I have a problem that goes far deeper than paper plates.

There are people with drinking problems, drug problems, codependency problems and eating problems.

And of course a million other problems, but I think I have identified my one fatal flaw.

I overeat.

I medicate with food.

I have no idea if it is a learned habit, or acquired one, but I do admit it is one.

I am hoping that my lack of control, which I had for nearly a year, has become unmanageable right now due to all the stress this month.

Every day I start fresh with the best of intentions and nearly every day I fail lately.

If it is only the stress, that should end when I am moved

But . . .

Paper plates

I am moved.

Not in reality.

Not bodily.

But mentally I am moo-ved!

So today I packed up the dishes and glasses and cups. I put all the extra bedding in the car along with the extra pots and pans.

And I bought paper plates.

Anyone who knows me knows that when I am eating off of paper plates there is a very good reason.

My mind is already gone! I hope it's residing in my new place when I get there.

Wink

I began loading the car today!

I don't move for another twelve days, but I am prepared!

Okay, maybe a little over-prepared, but it's in my nature.

I like to organize things.

I like to minimize things.

Moving satisfies both of those urges even if I'm really only minimizing stuff in this apartment because I'm going to move it to another.

But the satisfaction feels just about the same.

Last night -- I couldn't get to sleep at all

My sister and I decided to go on a trip together so we bought a plane ticket, but when we went to get on the plane we had to walk up flight after flight of steps and then I couldn't find my ticket!  I was afraid they wouldn't let me on the plane without it, but I stayed in line anyway.

A young foreign man wearing a trench coat was in line behind me and realized how upset I was. He was very kind and encouraged me to just keep going.  He seemed very familiar with airline procedures and we continued onto the plane. The first thing I saw were flights of wooden stairs going up and up and up, but we were already higher up in the plane than the restaurant floor beneath us. It had large rectangular white dining tables with matching chairs and I was surprised that any plane was large enough to accommodate that.

I finally found a faded and smeared ticket stub with what appeared to be E2 on it and I looked for a flight attendant to help us find our seats. None seemed to be around. There were lots of nooks and crannies off to the sides of the staircases as we moved upwards and many obviously very well to do people too. I knew they were going to sit in first class and believing they probably traveled more than we did, I asked them for help, but I could tell it annoyed them.

About this time I noticed my sister was gone! I hoped she was just ahead of me and eventually I thought I saw her sitting in a row of people from her high school class of 1969. I was surprised how young she looked, but I was also relieved to have found her. I found the steps heading up there, but when I got closer I couldn't find them. I went down long hallways and up other stair cases until all the chairs were only wooden folding chairs. I realized that this was most likely where my seat was. The young man assured me that it was, but I couldn't find it and my suitcase was getting so heavy.

 Then I heard a familiar sound. It left me feeling hopeful and safe. I turned around, opened my eyes and discovered I was in my bed facing the window.

It was my phone. Someone texted me and I woke up to discover it was seven A.M. I had only been asleep about fifteen minutes! It had been another very long night, the third this month, when I couldn't get to sleep at all -- all night long.

I did manage to go back to sleep for a bit, but I had a breakfast to go to this morning so I was up and showering before nine and have been on the go all day.

I can't wait for June to end.

Reasonable

Everyone needs:

A reason to get out of bed.

A reason to eat healthy.

A reason to exercise.

A reason to read.

And someone to play with.

That's reasonable.

A reason to get out of bed

Her dreams weigh her down

Blanketing the desire to rise

Until a heart wakes her up

And calls her to rejoin the world

Gone

I knew it would happen. I just didn't know how long it would take.

It happened faster in the past, but I didn't see my brother every day. I saw a picture one of his ex wives put on Facebook with him in it and I suddenly realized that I can't imagine him gone.

How can someone just cease to be? How could I talk to him one day and a few days later he was gone? It feels more like a bad dream than reality.

I suddenly wondered if I had kept any of his voicemail messages and frantically searched!

There he was! Christmas day this last December!

I listened to it over and over.

I ran across some pictures of my families' tombstones and realized there is no place to go where he is at -- except the farm and I won't go there anymore now he is gone.

He swore he would haunt me and I almost hope he does. I can hear his disembodied voice laughing in the dark, "Still alive dammit! Oh wait! I'm not! Hahahahahahhahaaaa"

Doing not doing

Last night, I didn't get to sleep at all.

Anxiety expresses itself at different times in different ways.

Today I did a lot of pre-moving cleaning to prepare for what is coming and to burn off energy it was too hot to burn off outside.

I cleaned baseboards, dusted out cupboards, swept the deck, mopped the kitchen and bathroom, washed rugs and dried them.

And I did not overeat. That is a big one. It sounds so simple to just not do something, but not doing is a hundred times harder for me than doing.

Not over eating. Not commenting negatively. Not throwing things away I might need later. Not worrying.

I understand the value in all these things and it is immense, but understanding and doing are so different. One is invaluable.

Not sleeping is not a good one. When I am awake all day and all night my body is rebelling against my mind. Trying to wear it out. I've dealt with these periods all my life, so you'd think I'd be good at dealing with them. But I am not.

Sometimes I am just better than others and it is in those times that I utilize this energy for good things like cleaning.

I am angry.

Rightfully, or wrongfully so, it doesn't really matter.  I can feel my frustration with the world needling away at my thoughts and dreams and hiding behind my smile much of the time.

People do self destructive things and pretend it doesn't matter.

Children do things that will, or do, harm them and we pretend it's cute, or okay, or just for a while.

The government abuses children and people seeking asylum and the good Christians turn their heads as long as abortions can be done away with.

And the rich get richer and the poor get poorer and we pretend none of it's really happening.

And pretty soon everyone will have a college degree they bought online that qualifies them for absolutely nothing more than making beds and sweeping streets in America, but that will be okay because Americans will not be able to afford things like health care anyway.

Dignity, empathy, simple respectability are becoming things of the past.

It's all about money now.

And power.

You don't need to be able to think, or get an education if you can force yourself on other people and make them subject to your will.

So we write songs and blogs and angry Facebook notes. We pray and twitter and tumble and parade with paper signs. We pretend what is happening is God's will.

And in the meantime children are locked in cages at immigration centers, teenagers are shooting each other in the schools, and adults are dying because they love the wrong people.

I loved this song. It defined everything I thought was beautiful and possible, but I think I asked too much of life and love.

True Love

Grace Kelly, Bing Crosby

Suntanned, windblown
Honeymooners at last alone
Feeling far above par
Oh, how lucky we are

While I give to you and you give to me
True love, true love
So on and on it will always be
True love, true love

For you and I have a guardian angel
On high, with nothing to do
But to give to you and to give to me
Love forever…

For you and I have a guardian angel
On high, with nothing to do
But to give to you and to give to me
Love forever true
Love forever true

And yet, I am not sorry. Sometimes I think I should have asked for more.

Schedule

Knowing makes things easier for me.

Now I know I will be moving July 7, 2018 and it will begin when I pick up Bryan and Becky at 8:45 in the morning.

The movers wanted between $550 and $750!  Bryan and Becky didn't ask for anything, but I will do something nice for them.

And my sister is helping too, so I'll have everything packed up, disassembled and ready to go and we'll be done before noon.

Then all that's left is putting it away and cleaning my old apartment.

Hope it's that easy.

Generations

Time has a different meaning by the time you get to my age.

I don't feel any older than I have felt in years, or maybe ever, but I remember things that happened fifty or even sixty years ago like they were last week!

My granddaughter and I went to a band concert in Franklin Park tonight and it was so nostalgic. I remember going to band concerts with my grandmother when I was probably only three years old and I loved it. I have always loved the Sousa marches best, but the lonely tunes of the trumpet and the mellow crooning of the clarinet playing big band songs still hollow out my heart and make it ache with a longing I don't understand. Nothing has changed except the clothes.

The sky is still the same. The trees still loom over us. The crickets still chirp and the babies still dance to the music.

I wonder if my granddaughter will go to band concerts with her granddaughter and sit under the same sky and trees and listen to the descendants of these crickets some day?

Even

Everyone I know seems to be having a rough summer this year.

Maybe summers are like all holidays. We expect so much out of them that they are bound to disappoint in some way, or maybe this is just a Karma year when everything evens out.

Actually I don't believe in any of that stuff.

I think most of the people I know are so kind and empathetic and work so hard to be and do the right thing that living up to their own expectations is impossible. And holding others up to that standard feels right even though they can't really do it either.

We are mostly just good people trying to take who we are, baggage and all, and make the most out of what we have. Trying to fill in the holes and even out the rough spots is a never-ending struggle in such an abrasive world.

People can help clean your house, or mow your lawn. They can fix your pipes, or buy you things, but truly . . . the only one who can find joy in the moment is you.

Take a deep breath and know that in that one moment everything really is okay and one moment at a time we can all get through.

Hovering

Tentative. Waiting. Hovering.

I have worked almost a year to get my health under control.

I have worked a lifetime to get my emotions under control.

But now that enemy of the soul, depression, hovers over me like an angel of death.

It dims the beauty around me, mutes the music, ruins the snug coziness of my bed.

It has not quite descended, but it wants to, is waiting for just the right moment to fall upon me like the red tailed hawk falls upon the sparrow.

I don't know whether to fly into the light trusting it will blind my enemy, or slip into the shadows until it goes away.

And so I hover here

Searching, praying, meditating,

Waiting.

Back to Normal

It's been a chaotic two weeks. I highly recommend skipping Junes. They are often unpleasant and frequently out of sorts. Too hot. Too cold. Too messy. Too sad. Not normal.

But this year there was one perk. My son and grandson came home for the first time in years. It was for a sad event, my brother's death. But this year they came home.

And now they have gone, which is normal.

And now I am trying to return to normal, which is ludicrous because I live in Normal. Normal, Illinois, until next month when I will leave Normal and maybe that is when the real normal for this summer will begin.

Although I don't know.

Bestest is off again, but at least we could talk today. That's the other thing about summers. He is so often being rewarded for the excellent scholar that he is and that puts him at Oxford, or in Greece, or at an Honors writing program in monastic settings.

But today we talked and that felt normal.

Strange that I live in Normal and am constantly searching for it.

Family

Family is family is family.

You can't divorce family.

You can't leave family.

You can't separate from family.

You can think you can.

You can avoid it.

You can disown it.

But you can't stop the love.

It just keeps flowing in around you an ineffable force that cannot be stopped by rain, or snow, or sleet, or hail, or light, or darkness, and surely not words.

Once you are family, that's it. You just are.

Forever more. Amen.

Dichotomy

This summer has been off to a strange and rather dark start.

Between raising the rent, finding my 401K blocked, my brother's death, and having our family's traditional "people die in June" experience, it was brightened by being able to visit with my youngest son and grandson and my youngest granddaughter's birthday.

We have been to a surreal celebration of life that my brother, the ashes of honor, would have loved.

Family and friends came from all over to stand around his fishin' chair and pole while his children read a beautiful poem, the 23rd. psalm, and showed us the little wild bird who appeared in his honor.

Then we took pictures! Family pictures with everyone smiling. Cousin pictures with everyone beaming! Three wives holding their exhusband's ashes, big grins on their faces. Only one wife didn't show up. Aunts, uncles, children, grandchildren, great grandchildren, friends, all there to spread a handful, or two of ashes at the farm that gave my brother so much pleasure, have a sip of his beer and then go to the local Italian eatery for one last meal together.

And while it felt right it also felt a bit macabre to be smiling and sparkling and posing so joyfully at such a sad event, which I suppose is the dichotomy of really knowing and loving someone and taking that into true consideration when celebrating their life.

Today my son and grandson left to go home and the apartment is so quiet.

Today it all feels more real.

Embrace

Time flies.

And time crawls.

A lifetime of living is only a blink of an eye

But that blink encompasses the cosmos.

The beginning and the end.

The alpha and omega.

Each moment complete within itself.

Incomprehensible depth in every breath.

If I lived a million years I could never embrace it all.

Things I learned from my brother

I learned a lot from my brother. The ultimate lessons were don't drink, smoke, or play games with diabetes. Those might improve the quality of my last years immeasurably.

But the deeper lessons were just part of his total being. He loved nature and wanted to be a park ranger when he was younger until his wilder nature got in the way.

He taught me about eagles and owls and where to see them and how they raised their young. He took me on long car rides to watch the eagles when they fished out of the broken ice of the Mississippi river in February. We sat at his farm and he told me stories about the big black snakes that surrounded us and the owl recuperating in the shed and the mob of kittens and cats that followed him like a miniature pride  when he walked around the fields.

He collected bones he found in the fields and woods and once brought my children a five gallon bucket filled with bones and teeth to play with -- a kind of natural jigsaw puzzle that generated a great deal of concern when I finally placed it at the curb on garbage day years later.

I remember going with him to Sangchris park where they will hold his final services. The geese recognized his car and all swooped in behind to follow his beloved blue PT Cruiser, because they knew he was going to feed them.

I learned not to leave my little shi-tzu alone in the grass or he would have become predator chow and I remember my brother patiently picking burrs out of his fur because he had wandered into the fields and looked like he'd been rolled and breaded.

We were coffee drinkers of the most devout sort. He with sugar and cream. Me black and that sort of sums up why I'm still here and he's gone, but I will miss him.

I already do.

Tell me why

I cannot tell you how often I find the decisions people make baffling.

Why take vacation days to clean house and work when you have company?

Why ask someone a question after you've already made a decision?

Why make up excuses for things you just want to do?

Why tell people what they want to hear and then get upset when they listen?

Why?

Why?

Why?

Why not be real and honest and just face the consequences once, because if people don't like what you're doing then why do things with them?

The question

I look down and see two feet shod in heavy duty athletic shoes.

Very functional. Very solid. Very straight forward.

I put one foot in front of the other.

How many times?

Enough to make it two miles, or three miles, or four miles.

And I don't fall over.

So why does it feel like I am walking on a tightrope

And some invisible force keeps tweaking it?