The rest of the story

How do you respond to a crisis?  Not someone else's crisis, but one in your own life? When your child gets his finger caught in a door, or your world is rocked by some tragedy?

I become very quiet. The idea of screaming or making any kind of a scene is totally beyond my grasp. I am instantly thinking. What really happened? What do I do? How do I respond? It is almost as if I am outside myself -- watching.

Later when it is all over I may tremble or cry, but a sure sign that it was horrific is that I will be very quiet, almost like emotional shock.

Later I will have bad dreams.

I would be terrified to make a fuss and I have a very difficult time finding empathy for people who do. Hysterical, screaming people make me angry. They take up time and space that could be better used to help others.

I also know I would help those I love first. I know that sounds selfish, but these people are a known commodity to me. I know their value, their strengths. I can predict their responses better than those I do not know. But love has long arms and it can be amazing to find out who you love when push comes to shove.

And when all is said and done, I know I will have nightmares for the rest of my life because my mind will never stop processing what happened, what I did, what I could have done even if believe I have consciously let go.

I'm good in a crisis. It's the rest that is difficult.