Dimmer

Sometimes I wonder if it is silly to deal with "stuff" at my age. At least two thirds of my life is over, so why go through the work, pain, time, whatever it takes to keep trying to improve my inner side. I guess the answer to that is: quality over quantity.

Those mean little voices whispering in my mind, telling me things that were born of someone else's pain, have to be exorcised. Otherwise they are like fog on my windows, they make the sunshine dimmer.

And those voices are cumulative!

My mother's bad day is still traveling around the world with me. The narcissism, insecurity, and sadness of everyone I've ever known is stuffed down in dark little spots all over my thoughts. I need to recognize them so that I can remember they aren't my reality. Otherwise I become them. They will never become me.

I have a lot of health problems. Those voices from the past keep telling me they are my own fault but, my bones do not ache because I am a bad person; I am not allergic to almost everything because I did something wrong; I am not unlovable because I am not perfect.

It's time to get rid of the voices and simply deal with my health.

It's just so easy to forget about them when things in my life are going smoothly. It's like I don't want to think about painful things during the good times. After all, if I do that, I might dim those times too. So instead I let them go and then when other things become a problem, those old ones jump in and join them, almost drowning me.

Today is a good day. Today is a great day! Today I chose not to block any voices and  . . .  voila! One of those voices spoke up and I saw right through it!

That -- is a step forward.