Beastly beauty

It is only in looking back that I realize that every feminine trait, in our house, was ascribed starting with the number of inches one stood above the floor.

The more petite a woman was, the better her chances of being beautiful.  One could not be tall and beautiful, or graceful, or charming, or any other adjective associated with the creme de la creme of womanhood.

Once it was ascertained that she would not be small there was no point in allowing her to take ballet, or raise her expectations of ever being pretty, or popular in the classical sense.  She could be handsome, intelligent, successful, but never a beautiful woman. That door was closed to her because of her genes.

Like all children I simply accepted the truths of my childhood.  I would never be beautiful and any attempt to do so was embarrassingly ridiculous -- rather like having one leg and expecting to be a ballet dancer.

So I cultivated other things.  My heroes were mostly men like my father, which mostly served me well in the long run -- and yet, I longed to be beautiful, or adorable, or any of those things automatically out of my reach because of how tall I was. 

It wasn't until recently when someone made me feel both beautiful and adorable, that I realized how many of my habits had developed in an attempt to camouflage my "disability."

At various points in my life I was able to keep my weight down to dangerous levels, hoping that thinness would make up for height.  I have a fear of having too much "stuff" in my life, as if that, too, might pare down the inches.  I have avoided anything that might highlight my lack of beauty, preferring to be seen as an intellectual, or super woman rather than a pathetic giant trying to be what she isn't.

Looking back, and looking at some of my lovely nieces who are as much as six inches taller than me, I finally realize that beauty has nothing to do with height.  In fact, many beautiful women are much taller than me. 

The only thing awkward and ugly about me was my idea of my self. 

Now, I am retired, gray haired, fat and, amazingly, feel more beautiful than I have in my whole life.