Measurements

There is an innocence and beauty to childhood that is seldom found anywhere else.  It never occurred to me that my family wouldn’t love me forever.  Honestly, it never crossed my mind.  I knew I might do things that annoyed or upset them, but the thought of them losing their love for me just wasn’t in my repertoire of thoughts.

Of course I understood that the rest of the world couldn’t be counted on like that, but as long as there was the family to come back to it didn’t matter too much what else happened.  I was free to be me.

And then there was a subtle shift.  Suddenly I realized I would never be quite perfect.  I was too tall and all beautiful, adorable women were small.  Small, or short, was the standard by which a woman was first judged.  In my family I would be loved….in spite of the fact that I wasn’t small and petite.

My nicknames changed from angel and punkin, to idget and Ninna.  People began to speak of my intelligence as if it were an either/or thing.  Big and smart, or small and beautiful, it did both sides of the coin a gross injustice.

For the next fifty years I would scan the faces and measurements of all the women I looked up to and somehow the truth always eluded me.  I was blind to the fact that there were beautiful, intelligent, women of all shapes and sizes.  I never understood that.  I thought I was very egalitarian, but under that thin veneer was a flaw in me that nearly ruined my life.

Not until I found myself in a relationship where my body really did not exist were my eyes opened to the fact that I could be exactly who I was, loved, intelligent and beautiful.  All those things in one sentence sound like heaven to me and yet they should be everyone’s birthright.  There may be standard poodles but human beings are so much more than a series of measurements.

How much does a soul weigh?  How tall is beauty?  How does one measure common sense?  What is laughter and love and life worth?  These are the questions that should pull a child into adulthood, not pounds and inches.