A Certain Kind Of Handicap

All my life I have been slightly more than simply successful at most of the things I applied myself to. I tend to shine a bit, but never really make it as what the world would call a raging success. I doubt if I ever will.

For one thing, I simply do not apply myself religiously to anything for very long, with the possible exceptions of rearing my children and teaching my three year olds.

I can memorize, but when it comes to music, I don't do it in any methodical, or reasonable way that I can rely on. If I learn the music at all, it is because my fingers learn it for me. Should they falter, I am lost. Public speaking is the same way. I write out what I am going to say, make notes, practice, and then when I get up in front of people I mostly toss it all to the wind and speak from the heart. Fortunately for me it seems to work, but I almost never have much memory of what I said when I am through.

I seem to do my best writing the same way. I start a story and if it is going to work at all, it just flows out of me. Later I will spend hours cleaning it up, but usually miss many things that I don't see until it is too late. The unfortunate thing about this is that when I am very successful I have no way of replicating the process. It is like drawing water from a well. I cannot even start out with the idea that I am going to do something in particular, because when I do that the story is stilted and not very good at all. I don't seem to know if something is very good, but I do have a feeling when it actually stinks.

Perhaps I have an odd form of handicap. I have always felt that I write better than respond live. People can fluster me very easily. I am almost terminally shy and hate speaking on the phone most of the time. In fact, I usually dislike doing anything that requires me to be spontaneous in public, in person. I think in too many directions at once and it never comes out the way I mean it. I just need time to think through my responses and when I am around people I always feel rushed, no matter how kind they are.

I love people, though and really enjoy the time I spend with them, but they get what they get. The real me would rather be writing them letters!