Unlearning Old Ways

I have always assumed that I will get better at dealing with things as I grow older. And, in general, I have. I am one of those fortunate people who has basically found her bliss. I am almost always content, if not down right happy. Kind of strange when I look back on the rest of my life, but why wouldn't I be happy? I have enough of everything, including the time to do those things that are really important to me.

Then there was last night.

It proves that I can still imagine the worst before I know what it is. It speaks to my insecurity in many respects and vulnerability in others. Yet, when all is said and done, I did deal with this particular crisis in my life much better than I would have in past years.

In the midst of thinking that I had maybe blown one of the best friendships I have ever had, I had the sense to try and respond to the situation instead of simply reacting to it. That's something I actually learned from this friend. So in between my bouts of total misery and thoughts of not being able to survive this crisis, were also thoughts that maybe I was over reacting. What a revelation that is! Long ago I learned to overreact to bad things, now I seem to be learning to respond to them with a modicum of common sense.

It was still a long night. I told myself that things would be alright, well, they could be alright, well they might be alright and then I would panic again. Instead of just allowing that destructive way of thinking to continue, I was able to think that perhaps I was just over reacting and things might be perfectly okay. It was a good way to go, but it just seemed too easy, so I discarded it again and again and began girding myself for a great loss. It's that old idea that it is better to be prepared for disappointment and have it be true than expect things to be good and be wrong.

I did do another good thing last night. I walked. There is something about moving that releases tension to some degree and it got me through that long dark night. In fact I even dozed off a bit this morning and when I woke up discovered it was all for naught. My friend had not turned and walked away at all. In fact, he felt badly about my thinking he would.

I seem to have entered the world of rational adults and it seems too good to be true.

I am the person who always says that worrying is just tricking your body into thinking it is working, when it is not doing anything constructive at all. I'll sleep good tonight, but I wish I could have been more responsive to all this last night.