It is always easier for me when I can name something. A name makes it feel more official, makes me feel more comfortable doing the necessary things, justifies it in my mind when I cannot do all the things I once did, or feel I should do.
I am not sure who I am afraid of, but there is a part of me that is absolutely terrified of being a shirker, a person who doesn't pull her weight, or doesn't live up to what she professes to believe. It creates a paradoxical relationship with my self that has been around as long as I have memory of being me.
Consequently I hurt myself rather frequently doing things I know I should not do. It would be much easier to have a broken arm, leg, anything, than a torn muscle, or injured joint. It would be absolute heaven to be able to say I hurt my finger rather than my heart aches, or I feel sad, or I am too tired.
Of course I can do all these things without any fear of reprisal at all, as far as I know, so why does it feel so wrong? Why do I doubt myself and my own feelings?
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