Birthing

 

I have lived in my new town and new apartment for a little over eight months and something is changing.

For years I have dreamed of being lost in a city at night, trying to walk home and running into loose dogs that I am afraid of, and dead ends that go nowhere.

Over the last few months that has transitioned into being lost in a city at night, but running into people and asking for help, or directions. Then I was bicycling through the city, so I moved a little bit faster and finally I found a woman who invited me into her business to use the phone. It was a large department store type place with huge engines in the basement running it. I still wasn't able to use the phone to call my mother, but I was safer and there was hope.

Last night I was in a rural community filled with very young people, many toddlers, and lots of green plants with leafy vines everywhere. There was a couple, a toddler boy and girl who might become the king and queen if they could pass all the tests and challenges put in their way. If they did, they were going to ride in a white convertkible in a sort of parade.  Somehow it was my job to make sure it all happened.

I feel a sense of empowerment I have not felt for several years, or more. I feel hope. 

I am becoming excited about doing things again. Painting, rearranging furniture, redecorating my apartment. Creativity feels possible again.

I actually went to the store and bought a few groceries in person, which I haven't done for a long time. I found clothes in my closet I haven't thought I could wear.

It is as if the clock has turned back for some reason and I have been reborn.

I don't know if this will last, but it is exhilarating. 

Incompetent

Everyone has bad luck once in a while, but when your whole existence is one long floundering mystery it probably has more to do with you than anyone else.

Trying to do things on the cheap is often a recipe for disaster, especially for people who don't seem to understand how anything works.

I cannot stress how important it is to be able to read and follow directions, or listen to what someone is actually saying and comprehending the words.

Having trouble learning new things is no sin, but refusing to take notes and using them to cope is a formula for failure.

I think some people just believe it is easier to get others to do everything for them. If they can do that they don't have to put forth any effort. They act like they have no choice, that the whole world is out to get them.

If the truth is known, they are doing things that sabotage their own lives.

And they want both help and pity, believing pity is the same thing as love.

Don't tell me you always have to pay the water bill in person because they don't tell you how much it is until you are in the office. And they add a little amount they kept a secret from you.

I know the whole city does not have to go to city hall to pay their water bills in person. 

And it is not the vet's fault you did not register your dog because you thought mailing in the registration might get it lost. Instead you waited six months to go in in person and had to pay a fine that you find outrageous.

Most of our problems are the result of something we did not take the time or make the effort to do right.

Lazy or incompetent, whichever it is, it does not serve you well.

Crutches

 

When I was a young woman I found myself suddenly overwhelmed with social duties.  Welcome wagon, Newcomer's officer, Bridge organizer, PTA, President of parents of children with disabilities, etc. 

In the beginning it all felt like an honor. People wanted me to do things, head up committees, but after a while it was just too much.

After all, I was not working at a paying job so I could be with my family and spend time with my children and suddenly there was no time.

It was just so hard to say no. And when I did say it, I felt the need to explain why. The problem with that is people always came back with a reason why my reason wasn't good enough.

Most people have crutches they use to escape some social function, or family function, or anything else they don't want to do. They use it so they can sound noble while saying, "No!"

My sister always had her work. She would simply say, "I have to work."

Then when she retired she was almost panicky until she got a part time job babysitting an elderly neighbor. Once more she can say she has to work. Or, even better for her now, she has a dog and she will say I can't leave Bailey alone.

I don't have any crutches.

I learned a long time ago to simply say, no. I never give a reason even if there is a long silence following my refusal. I will sometimes say, but thank you for asking, but that's as far as I will go.

It works.

People don't quite know how to deal with that.

Mid century modern

 

My parents considered themselves modern, educated people who were trying to raise their children in the best way they knew possible. They had four, so that was supposed to end the problem of having a middle child. However I think it just created two middle children. One boy. One girl.

They gave us names that did not lend themselves to shortened nicknames, except for my brother Thomas, who had the unfortunate nicknames of Tom, Tommy, Tommy toes, and Tom Ass. None of these, except Tom and Tommy, were actually sanctioned by my parents and yet my mother used them all at some point.

They then assigned traits to each of us. Something my father would continue to do with his grandchildren later on. I began life as Angel, but once my sister came along, I was the brainy child, or my mother's little old maid. My sister began life as my father's ugly duckling and moved on to Pretty. Forever after that she was considered the pretty one.

My brother Tom was always odd man out. He did strange things that my mother encouraged. I think she mistook this as honoring his eccentric intelligence. She had a problem with intelligent people, considering them all a bit crazy. This along with a lack of discipline ruined my brother's life. My father usually worked at least three jobs, so he was seldom present once I was five years old and I am the oldest.

My youngest brother was the typical baby of the family with all the freedom and baggage of most babies. He was bright, stubborn, eager, and an over achiever whose main father figure was not my dad, the teacher, but our neighbor, the fisherman, hunter, salt of the earth type.

There was not much sibling rivalry between us, although I often found my mother was more lenient with Tom and his ability to get away with things infuriated me. I was very protective of Henry, the baby and considered my sister and I equal -- except she was pretty and I was not.

Looking back I see where these stereotypes set Caroline and Tom for life. She would forever judge the world on how pretty something or someone was and assume the prettier, the better. Tom never gave up trying to do the bizarre thing and the more bizarre the better. It finally killed him. 

Henry is the most successful of all four of us. 

I always wanted to be more like my dad, but I only saw his love for learning and exploring ideas. I did not notice how his need for change affected his life, or mine.

We were a mid century modern family struggling to understand the new lifestyle of buying houses and cars with credit rather than cash, so you could appear to have it all.

When I die

 

When I die

Take my ashes to a beautiful place and set me free.

Allow me to float gently on the air into the world of eternity.

Into a world of light and love

A world of freedom and joy

A world where the water runs free

And the eagles fly high.

And if you are able and willing please add your voice and music to this wondrous day.

Send me off with guitars and voices that I love among people that I love.

Make it a love fest that brings tears of relief and joy to everyone.