Listening in

 

I just hosted my first party in my new apartment, a birthday party for my sister attended by her son, his wife, and a grandchild. 

I was so excited.

I planned everything out from the seating to where I placed the napkins by the plates.

But I was in agony from my back the entire time and eventually ended up in the bedroom, curled up in a fetal position trying to find some relief.

As I lay there listening to them laugh and talk in my living room I remembered all the similar occasions when I had spent a social occasion curled up on a bed in the other room and I was amazed at how often that has happened to me.

Beginning at age twelve and moving right along through Bridge parties, Christmas parties, my birthday the year my mother died and on and on. Each time some physical difficulty left me on the outside listening in.

I am never asleep, because the pain prevents that, but if I were someone else I might wonder if there wasn't some kind of emotional problem linked to it all. It happens so frequently.

I get excited. I am over the moon happy. I am prepared to the nth degree. I am there when it starts.

And then some part of my body fails me and I end up in the other room listening to everyone else enjoy themselves.