Your cup overflows.
Not with money or gold or god, but kindness, caring, love.
Your mind crafts reason like your hands craft homes. Solid and strong with a good understanding.
The doors and windows of you are open and allow the winds of change to blow freely.
You are a survivor.
A kind survivor whose mark on this world is one of intelligence, reason and tolerance.
You do not believe in magic, but you are magical.
In my world there are often two kinds of people.
The extraordinarily kind and the extraordinarily heinous.
Imagine a woman who has abused and controlled her husband for years suddenly turning and accusing him of all the things she has done!
The begging and pan handling she has made into an art form becomes another tool for fleecing those whose good intentions out weigh their knowledge.
Telling the same tales of woe with vicious glee is her schtick, but after twenty or so years they start to sound eerily familiar.
There is no doubt this woman is very intelligent, but like a black widow spider she destroys the very lives that sustain her.
Fund raising for such a "helpless" female is like raising money for Hitler's Boy Scouts.
I am preparing to move. I've lived here seven years and this isn't my first move, but it may be one of my last.
I expect to actually leave in July after my lease is up, but my energy is down, so the packing must begin at once.
I have taken three loads to the Goodwill and several to the trash, but tonight was the most fulfilling.
My granddaughter and her boyfriend took me out for dinner then we came back here afterwards. I let them sort through the things I know I will not be moving and was gratified that they chose not just the television set and rokus, but many of my paintings!
I really did not expect them to take any of my paintings and they took every one that I did not want to keep.
As I wrap up the packing and sorting it feels good to know that my things are of some value to other people.
As I embark on one of my last big adventures my whole world is in upheaval.
People I love are facing horrible things, so I cannot feel bad about simply moving into subsidized senior housing in a town I've never loved.
I have family there and they seem to love me, so maybe that is all that matters. The rest will take care of itself.
Today I wrapped up lots of loose ends and I am exhausted. I realize my life is still very good and it is up to me to make it better and more meaningful.
I am remembering my father tonight. He was one of the wisest, most intelligent people anyone ever met and he never said an unkind word to me. Ever.
My youngest son is very much like him. Kind, caring, aware and full of conviction.
I wonder, is this all there is to life?
My life.
Have I used it wisely, or wasted it?
It's probably too late to wonder.
Trusting in the universe sounds very spiritual and even a bit melodramatic.
If you asked me I would say that I like to know what is happening and how it will occur, but honestly my world tends to work in almost magical ways.
My ex husband, as he was walking out on our last counseling session, looked back at our counselor and said, "You don't have to worry about her, things always work out for her." And they do generally, but having faith in that happening is a whole different thing.
My accountant said something similar as she helped me file my income tax for last year. I had a huge amount to pay because of the scam, but we figured out a way for me to do it and she remarked that I often seem to find a way to make things work.
Today some dear friends decided they wanted to give me a check to help me out. A gift! A very nice, very large gift and it reminded me of how karma can work.
Faith will probably always be hard for me, because I hate to be disappointed I tend to expect very little and am amazed when life turns out to be bountiful.
Fifty four years ago today I was married. It was a dark rainy day and I almost convinced my father that I was making a mistake. He assumed it was last minute jitters and maybe it was.
There are things in my life I would miss if I hadn't been married that day. Especially my children.
We had a few really good years and many okay ones, but my life really felt like it was my own after our divorce.
That was twenty six years ago. Since then my life has been rich in so many ways. And most importantly, my life has been about me, not supporting someone else.
I've made mistakes here and there, but none of them were that important until last year when I allowed myself to be scammed out of my entire IRA. Since then it has been an escalating disaster.
I got a job I loved, but my body can't handle it. I have been sick with something I got from the kids since November and Covid on Christmas was the beginning of the end. I am still totally exhausted and the wear and tear on my body has left me unable to work. In fact, it has left me just trying to deal with the pain of a body that wasn't capable of being pushed as hard as I pushed.
When I was young, that was my solution -- push harder and get things done. That doesn't work for me anymore. Now I am just biding time and that leaves a lot of time for thinking, which really isn't good for me right now.
Too much time. To much time has passed. Too much time on my hands. Too much time to contemplate what I'd rather be doing but can't.
I know three people whose lives are about to be impugned by forces outside their control.
One for trusting the person to whome he dedicated his life. One for trusting the people who sent him downloads on the computer and me, whose body cannot do the job I must do in order to make enough money to live.
Our lives hang in the balance and the world looks bleak. So bleak that just continuing on is very difficult and yet there is not a better choice at this moment.
Today I opened the window to let in some cooler air and the smell that came through sent tiny shivers of hope through me. I remember this same smell when I was a child. It was the scent of spring days filled with sunshine and possibilities.
I didn't know what they were back then. I just had a sense that they were there for the taking.
I am hoping today was a reminder from the universe that they are still here.
I just have to figure out what they are.
As usual, after losing a lot of weight I gained back even more than before. My blood sugar is way too high and my medicine is causing me to have drastic drops that are miserable to live through.
My kidneys, my heart, my very life hangs on my ability to get all of this under control.
I am not succeeding.
My new job puts extra strain on a body that already deals with arthritis and the extra weight does not help.
The only drug that gives me any relief is generic Alleve and my kidney doctor says it is really bad for my kidneys.
This may be the place my Dad talked about when he said, "Life goes on until it is too hard."
Yesterday I paid the income tax on all the money I gave to the person who scammed me last year. It was a lot, over $2000 that I had to pay using a credit card I've been paying down just for this moment.
Now I wait again.
Beginning next year Social Security will decide whether to use this year's regulations or last year's when they decide how much money I deserve every month. If they use last year's I will have to pay $60 a month more for my medical coverage. If they use this year's, I am okay. It will stay the same.
I feel like the world has lifted from my shoulders. It is so good to be out from under this.
Yet today I am ill. My stomach is upset. I don't feel good. I am tired, but I only worked four hours this week and that was on Monday.
It is done and nothing is the same.
