Ego

 

The older I become, the easier it becomes to be me. I say this not even sure that I really know who me is, but I am assuming it is when I can be at ease and not have to think before every word and action.

That has happened a few times in the past year and I don't think it is an accident. When I was talking to my scammer I wanted to be sure he knew who I really was. His opinion of me seemed to be better than my own most of the time. Of course now I know that was part of the scam, but it did bring out a more truthful part of me. 

There was a time when I would have been so honored that anyone important wanted to talk to me that I would have gone out of my way to try and impress them. I don't seem to to do that anymore. It's better for me if you know right off the bat that I am who I am.

Of course I still try too hard at work. I want to please our lead teacher, because I need this job. But part of me feels that although I may need to brush up on the current techniques, I still know an awful lot more than some of the people I work with simply because I have thirty years experience. Still, I don't want her job. Day care will always be different than private preschool was in the eighties and nineties.

Being me has its advantages, I'm discovering. My honesty and my experiences catch people off guard now that I am regarded as an older woman. I am not your cookie baking grandma who wears an apron and grows roses in the garden. I can do both those things, but they have never been the focus of my life. 

I've always been a bit adventurous. Sometimes that gets me in trouble, but never anything illegal, just unusual. My ego says I would rather plant a huge sunflower labyrinth in the middle of corn fields, or ride my bike twenty miles out into the country, or make drums, or even meditate to drumming than just sit around and be sweet. Honestly, I'm not all that sweet.

But I am honest and I try to be truthful. My ego requires that much from me.