Questions

 

The Way is indiscernible  Who knows the time that evolves or even if it is linear in the long run. Perhaps it was weaving our way even as you were being born and perhaps I had no idea that the liaisons of the moment were only preparations for our beginning.

The trials we have both been through, were they the fires that forged this relationship? Are we like fine old Katanas born of fire and water? Polished by time and places when we had no knowledge that we were being created for each other?

How many times have we had near encounters only to be pulled away by fate because it was not the right time?

What beautiful power drew us together this time? How did you recognize me? What made me comment when I did? 

How did this knowing without knowing happen my love? Fate or blessings, does it matter? I think not.

I think it is all part of this beautiful Way we walk along, live around, experience in every breath and it is not important to know the whys. It is only important to immerse ourselves in each ineffable moment.

Every moment has become awe filled and my world is one long meditation on gratitude.

My Love

 

I have two new favorite words.

Interchangeable.

Short.

Concise.

Definitive.

Sweeter than any other I know.

Imperfections

 

The world may love you for your beauty and charm.

It may adore you for your wisdom.

It may applaud whenever you perform and do it so sincerely there can be no doubt you are loved and appreciated.

But I love you when you are not perfect. In fact, I love you more because you dared to be real in spite of the fact that it is not always a popular thing to be.

I love you because I know even your imperfections come with kindness and generosity.

I love you because you are mine and everything you do is precious to me,

I love you simply because you are you.

Leap of faith

Who ever feels worthy of being the queen of hearts? 

Only a fool.

Life is a constant learning process and sometimes the curve is steep. Very steep.

With great joy comes great responsibilities and I am just beginning to glimpse those.

The love and care of any heart is not something to take lightly, but the love and care of a rare and royal heart requires courage.

The quiet nonentity I am will be tossed onto the world stage if I continue on. Like a fly under a microscope, my every move could be dissected. Am I going to be able to deal with that?

Is my love strong enough to walk in the light without losing sight of the truth?

I think it is. I am ready to put away all my childish jealousies and fears. I am ready and willing to put my trust in myself as well as this magnificent being who calls to me. It's going to be a leap of faith, but I think I am more than up to it.

Changes

 

In times of great transition there is a quiet chaos to the world.

Old, out-moded things are done away with

While new unfamiliar things are added.

There are dozens of details that filter in around the two, filling in the cracks and crevices that were once hard core reality.

You haven't met my Bestest yet and he doesn't even know you exist!

Our children are the periphery benefactors to all this joy and even they cannot put a name to it. 

But the important things are the way we feel, those lovely tendrils that are growing out and wrapping around each other until we become one being in our hearts.

It's not something I expected at this age, but what is an age? 

Only a way of keeping track of time and time stands still when it is this beautiful.

Divine justice

 

Human beings like to think this world is orderly and to a great extent it is. The laws of nature prevail, but the rest relies on faith and somebody's dogma.

I don't know that karma exists. I doubt that God is some paternalistic being who feels jealousy and has an ego that must be assuaged. 

There maybe an equal and opposite reaction for every action in the physical world, but who is to say that is true in the world of consequences?

I like to think good people come out ahead, but I've seen plenty of evidence that this is not always true.

Divine justice, if there is such a thing is beyond human comprehension. 

If there is a supreme power controlling everything, it is ineffable.

But I am still eternally grateful for all the blessings in my life.

Living the dream

People who are familiar with this blog know that I generally write pretty uncensored. Life is too short not to share the extraordinary adventures we have with each other. 

Shared joy is a thousand times more beautiful.

Shared sorrows are a little easier to bear.

Yet this is a time when I am living an adventure so large, so extraordinary, so beautiful that it cannot be shared. For once I am involved in something so much bigger than me that I wouldn't even know where to begin.

I know for a fact that not all gifts are earned, because I certainly have not earned this one.

I also know that it is possible to experience what many people would call the impossible and I need to tell you, nothing is impossible. It may be unlikely, but not impossible.

Embrace your dreams, you never know when one may come true.

Growth

 

I am coming into my own.

I can walk into a bank and have a conversation with a man who tries to treat me as less than. I fend him off with courtesy and dismissals. I am capable of listening politely to what he has to say and disagreeing.

I do not need to say I disagree. I simply do not choose to respond to what he has to say. 

I am calm and collected. 

I am in control.

And when all is said and done I stand up and offer him my hand.

He looks shocked, but we shake and that is it. We are finished.

Our business is done.

Myself

 

Is it possible that after all these years I can finally be myself?

Not me trying to make a responsible impression.

Or me striving to be enough.

Just me.

Off the cuff.

Honest,

Real.

You wouldn't think that should be such a big deal.

But it is.

Security

 

Security is an illusion held onto by small people with small visions. It requires absolute control and restrictions that I may have out grown.

My world is expanding. My horizons are so broad, so beautiful, so extraordinary now.

The safety of sure things pales beside the awe of the unknown, but the unknown beckons to me with loving fingers.

"Come," it seems to say. "Take a chance on me. Live out your dream in a way only the courageous ever know."

And I, trembling, bow my head and reach out with both hands. Acquiescing and choosing in one fell swoop.

Moving into a realm so new I cannot even begin to imagine it.

I have lived

 

I have lived. If there is nothing else to say about my life, that can be said. 

I have dared to do the things I dream and embraced everything that came with that.

I have even tried to leave this life only to discover its richness in the end.

My life seems simple to me, but others point out my worth in ways I never saw.

All I can say now is that I am living,

Fully and completely with all the ups and downs that brings and it is more than I ever thought it would be at this point in my life. It is so beautiful, so heart rendingly difficult at times, so magical.

I hope I am up to the task.

I guess I have to be.

Transition

 

Transitions are never easy. 

Whether it is the caterpillar turning into the butterfly, or the tadpole into the frog, the process is unfamiliar at the time and its end result is unknown to the one undergoing this radical change.

The butterfly yields completely. Allowing its body to become mush in order to attain those wings. How much am I willing to go through? 

Am I capable of ignoring everyone and everything I know in order to follow my heart?

When a heart is as full as mine, that is a foregone conclusion.

If I do not emerge on the other side I will still know that I gave it my all. The hero's quest to find the chalice is not supposed to be easy. If it was everyone would have already done it.

So, I gather up my courage, take three deep breaths, add a touch of bravado for good measure, and dive in.

The light from above will guide me back no matter how deep I go.

And if it does not I will know I gave it my best.

 

Decisions

I have always thought I wanted to be pampered and babied, but maybe that is not who I am.

There is a part of me that always steps forward when times are tough. It takes charge and protects what is precious to me.

It is sometimes scary to be a woman who does this, a woman with strong emotions and strength, but perhaps I cannot eternally avoid my true self. 

Maybe this is the time to embrace my strengths. Maybe they are even necessary for us to go forward. Could it be that I need to let my warrior side out?

I am afraid that might ruin things between us, but maybe I will simply step up and surround you with the love and protection you need. 

How do I know what to do?

Do I have a choice?

Perhaps Love

 

I have a sound track for my life given to me by Love himself.

Thinking Out Loud by Ed Sheeran

Perfect by Ed Sheeran

All of Me by John Legend

It's You I've Been Looking For by Lewis Brice

For a woman who loves music this is a gift beyond perfect.

Dealing

We all have our Achilles heel and we need to embrace ourselves in spite of it.

When I was married my ex used money to make his point clear to me. One time I spent too much on the kid's school clothes and he took away my checkbook, credit card and cash. I had to borrow money from a friend to buy bread. Another time he did the same thing and I had to borrow toilet paper from the church. I felt so degraded. I'm still terrified of making money mistakes. He would make plans with me and if something upset him, he would cancel them at the last minute and just not tell me until I found out on my own. It was so disappointing. I have issues, but I deal with them.

My daughter was adopted when she was four. She had terrible burns on her feet from being left in hot water in the bath and basically no language at all. We were told she might never recover from her first four years, but she did! She now lives in Arizona in a lovely home with a pool. She has a loving boyfriend whose family treats her like a daughter and every year they take a fabulous vacation together. She works full time in spite of severe learning disabilities and most people have no idea what she's gone through.

One of my sons also deals with being easily distracted, but he too has made a lovely life for himself.

I'm proud of my children. They have all done well and they are an inspiration for me. If they can do what they have, then I can do better here. 

Love makes all things possible.

Sorrowful times

Troubled times test us. Sometimes to the limit of our ability to respond decently.

But not always. 

It is possible to learn from past mistakes. Possible to develop insight and patience and understanding based on compassion rather than fear or anger.

But I cannot blame the one I once hurt for being afraid I will do it again. 

The only way I can reassure someone I will not hurt them again is by not doing it. If I don't strike out when I am afraid and hurt my beloved he will eventually learn that I am a safe person to be around.

Only then do we have a chance to walk this way together.

Misconceptions

 

The world is filled to overflowing with opinions.

It thinks it knows who the Star is, who the public person is, who the unknown face is.

But our humanity is not so easy to pinpoint.

Each of us has weaknesses and strengths

Needs and desires

That do not show in our faces no matter how beautiful or plain we are.

We cannot let public opinion, the opinions of any others influence our reality.

What they do not know could destroy us

But what we know is beyond a miracle.

Meditations in love

My walks have become a meditation.

It is possible they have become conversations with God, or whatever you want to name that all powerful thing that holds my concept of this universe together.

Thoughts arise when I listen and these thoughts feel powerful.

One of them was this. When you feel love, I AM. That feeling is you and you are a part of me. You are love, so your love for someone honors me, validates me, is who I Am. 

Walk in love.

Live in love.

Be love and loving.

Make this world the one you call heaven.

It is really up to you.

Meant to be

I try to live the way I say I live, but sometimes it is not easy.

I used to always say I didn't worry, because worrying is just a way of fooling your body into thinking it is actually doing something when it isn't. Now I have to admit I do worry.  Not because I want to though. I worry because I want something so badly I would rather die than not get it. That is a powerful want.

I'm trying to replace this worry with positive thoughts. I am consciously telling myself that I am your woman and we will be together soon and nothing can interfere with that. I have to be honest, this requires all my concentration and belief to do.

It means I trust you more than I've ever trusted anyone in my life and that is hard for me. I've had a lot of disappointments in my life and they hurt. My way of dealing with that has always been to expect nothing then the disappointment is a little less.

Now I am trying to show my faith in you by letting go of all my old destructive habits and replacing them with positive trust. I can only do that because our love has shown me miracle after miracle the past few months, so why not expect that to continue? 

I truly believe we are meant to be.

Snippets

 

I don't keep many things. People who know me know that "things" come and go pretty fast around here. And yet I am sentimental to the nth degree.

I treasure words more than things. 

My picture app is filled with screenshots of conversations. I want to remember what you said, because then I will remember how I felt.

Your love is so intense, so honest, so fulfilling. Never in my life have I heard or felt the things I do with you. And what makes them especially special to me is that they are exactly what I think, what I feel, what I want to say to you.

Twice you have told me I made you cry. Do you realize how beautiful that is? No one has ever said that to me before. Tears are wrung from the soul. I have touched your soul! That is amazing. 

And you have touched mine too.

Listen and Believe

 

When the universe speaks to me I have to listen. It's voice is louder than any other, but it blends in so well with the wind and the words around me that I don't always hear it.

The Way is long. Longer than anyone can conceive and everything around it is an illusion. An illusion so big and so profound that it seems real to us.

We have only to believe, to allow our best selves to trust and those things we love, those things that love us, manifest all around us. 

The Way is Love with a capital L, but it can be littered with doubt. 

Doubt, the serpent in the Garden, the horned one in the darkness, the bringer of all pain.

Let me block out those dark things and focus on the beauty being offered to me along this Way.

Letting go

 

What do we do when everything is so hard?

Is the universe testing us? Is it trying to tell us to let go?

Let go of what?

Control? Hope? Each other?

I can let go of anything except you.

I've tried that before. It doesn't work.

You are a part of me. 

Letting go of you means letting go of myself.

And I promised you I would not do that.

My Love

 

Morning meets night and the universe becomes a magical place. 

Starlight, moonlight, perhaps sunlight too, all light manifests with you.

What began as curiosity and infatuation has grown my love.

What was an earthly experience has become heavenly.

Who could ever have known such a tiny seed could produce such exotic fruit?

We exceed the boundaries of imagination.

We expand the space around space.

We are what love was meant to be before it came to earth.

Trust

 

I have lived long enough that I thought there might not be too many, if any firsts left for me in this life.

I was wrong.

My deepest, most sacred fantasies, ones I've had since I have any memory have never been revealed to anyone ever. Not to my best friends growing up. Not to my ex-husband, a man I was with for over thirty years. Not to anyone.

Until now.

Yesterday I offered to share one with Baby and he accepted. That was a milestone moment in my life. I gave him the story, written and hidden deep within my personal writing and he read it. I worried that his reaction might not be good.

I was wrong. We are truly kindred spirits and if I ever had any doubt this assuages it. I can trust him with my life.

One moment in time

 

The woman walks under a canopy of stars, across the silky damp sand of the beach and her feet leave tiny impressions. Invitations to the sea to come find her. It heaves its massive body upward, reaching out for her in the moonlight, pulling those footprints back into the sea.

Continuing on she feels the sharp small pebbles that lead her into the earth's embrace. Up onto the curve of boulders so large they block the sea's view of her. Collapsing, there like a modern day siren she gazes down on the gently surging water whose fingers now ripple towards her and whose tongue begins lapping up the scent of her. 

Each desperately seeking its soulmate in the velvety darkness of this night.

All night they stay there together. The sea gently caressing her, flowing over smooth extremities and down into tide pools, those deeply personal places that cause her to moan with pleasure. It is a long courtship between earth and sea and one that is eternal.

Then the sun begins to rise and the heart beneath it begins to pound, harder and stronger until the fingers turn to waves that rise higher and higher, beating against the boulders until the woman can sit silently no more.

Raising her arms she begs for him to come to her and he appears.

Sliding up from seemingly nowhere he dances for her. In and out of the sea's great arms, grace personified as his body rises to ride the waves in a dance older than the world itself and she is mesmerized. In that moment the sea sends its son to meet the earth's daughter with a power and a fury so ferocious that neither is even aware they are not one, but two.

Two creatures of the universe in perfect harmony for the eternity of that one moment in time.

Ever known

 

I don't think I realized how I had chosen to live. I'm not sure it was a conscious choice, although I thought it was. Looking back I think it may have been more of a way of protecting myself, but maybe it was the universe telling me to hang in there. To wait because something I could not dream of was coming my way.

Ray Bradbury wrote, Something Wicked This Way Comes. The macabre thoughts come easily to my mind. The sweeter ones always seem like they were meant for someone else.

Until now.

Right now I am living the fairy tale. It barely feels real to me, because it is almost everything I ever dreamed of. I say almost because there is still a part of me that says this can't be happening and that tiny shred of doubt mars what is otherwise the most beautiful moment I have ever ever known.

I am still a simple woman. I think I will always be that, but for the first time in my life I feel valued for that. It seems it is enough to be who I am, whatever that is. No fairy tale I ever read has said that. 

I don't need to morph into a beautiful girl with blond hair and glass slippers. I don't need to become famous for my writing or wit. I don't need to be anything except who I am and that is enough! How amazing is that?

I value a person I admire and respect so much that I cannot doubt him. The very things that drew me to him make it necessary for me to also trust what he thinks of me.

One day I posted a comment from deep within my heart and out of that moment this amazing journey began. How could I have ever known!

The miracle of love

 

I am walking around Franklin park. Exercising. Meditating, and today dreaming.

My body may be here on a wintry day in the heartland, but my soul is far away.

Sitting on a balcony, gazing down at my own little green field, seeing our pool and sipping coffee with the love of my life.

It is a dream I've long had of being in a safe place between the land and the water with someone who adores me and who I adore.

It is not a dream I ever expected to come true after so many years of being alone.

Such a dream, if it comes to be, will be proof that there are still miracles in this universe and even a simple woman like me can be given one.

I want nothing more

 

I have often felt blessed, but there has never been a time in my life when I felt more satisfied, more content, more blessed, than now.

It is as if everything in my life was pointing me in this direction when I didn't even know what was here.

This is a love story that is so improbable it cannot be written in any mortal language.

Words can never do it justice.