Why do human beings need attention so desperately?
What is it about us that needs to be recognized and known, appreciated and loved?
Why can't we be like the trees, tall and solid, stalwart and silent?
Or like water running gaily down life's way, rippling and sparkling without a care, or need, in the world?
I am like a flicker of sunlight.
When I'm happy my smile can light up a room, but the merest flicker of a shadow changes me completely.
No matter how desperately I wish for some things to be true, they will never be so.
I cannot bring the dead back to life, or turn one person into another.
And sometimes I can't help loving someone who is not good for me, but that doesn't mean I hold onto them and turn a difficult situation into a worse one.
Reality really can suck. It can really hurt.
But that doesn't change what it is.
Along the way I am mingled and mixed with all the archetypes around me. I am such a small part of this universe, but I know my part is integral to the whole. Even the tiniest thought creates a stir in the atmosphere.
Saying who I am, what I am, is not always easy. It is much easier to get caught up in what I want to be, or should be, or what you want me to be, but those things don't last. The real me is a force as real as light and gravity, wind and water. Not as large or powerful, but still with a certain amount of power.
You are the same.
We navigate the way thinking we are in control, but I suspect there is something greater here. Something that has a purpose no mortal will ever truly comprehend. Call it Fate, or Destiny, or whatever you like, but it is indiscernible.
In the end we are not much more than two little atoms bouncing off each other in the great expanse of space, but as long as I do it with you and with love, I am content.
The clock is chiming. Magic fills the air and every breath is enchanted.
Now is the hour little girls dream of and grown-ups know don't happen.
But it is happening.
Inside the chrysalis I am transforming.
I look in the mirror and wonder if I am imagining it, but I look brighter, clearer, blissful. My eyes shine with love. Even my skin seems to glow.
This is a journey of mythological proportions and I am on it! I can barely comprehend that.
I have barely begun, but already I am stunned by the magnificence of you and me when we are together.
Imagine standing on the edge of a precipice surrounded by light.
Joy is emanating all around me in waves so intense, so terrible, so awe fulfilling that even reaching out to take one tentative step is almost unthinkable.
I am one breath away from the realization of my most profound dreams.
One moment away from disappointment that might destroy me completely.
Do I have the courage
To fall into this future that lies before me?
Most of my life I have been with people I admired, loved and trusted, who seemed to need to denigrate how I looked. When it happened I accepted it as the truth. After all who was I to judge my own looks?
Lately I've had someone rave about my looks and a part of me finds it almost impossible to accept. They have nothing to gain by doing this, so I have been looking closer at old photos.
Firstly I believe that people who look through the eyes of love see things others do not, but at least three of the people from my past should have been doing that and they did not see me as lovely at all. Each one made at least one caustic comment that was branded on my soul and those scars are vivid.
I wonder why that was?
Because of this I have often looked at the so-called beautiful people and tried to figure out what made them so much more beautiful than I. Sometimes it is obvious. They are radiant. Other times I simply do not understand.
Whatever the truth, right now, thanks to a dear friend, I feel pretty.
If my fairy godmother suddenly fluttered into my bedroom one night and asked, "What is your fondest wish?" What would I answer?
Up until a month ago, I'm not quite sure, but now I think I would say, "I want to fall in love." Which is not exactly the same thing as being in a love affair, or even being loved. Neither of those are required to feel the overwhelming joy of simply loving another.
The fairy godmother would then turn on me and ask, "What is that worth to you? What sacrifices are you willing to live with in order to experience this love? Are you willing to risk your heart, because love like that can make you ever so vulnerable? Can you withstand the unbearable pain of that love not being returned, or lost, because there are no guarantees when it comes to another's heart? What is it worth to you to be blessed with that beautiful fluttery feeling of joy in every minute of every day, even for just a while?
These are not easy questions for someone who actually knows what a broken heart feels like. Trust and vulnerability are sacred parts of relationships and there really are no guarantees. But the greatest honors and greatest joys often require the greatest sacrifices.
"So what is your answer?" Asks the fairy godmother.
Tis the season for magic and memories. Chick flicks abound with girls turning into princesses and Princes mingling among the commoners to find true love. I am not a fan of chick flicks. I don't believe in them.
Happily ever after has never been a theme in my life.
I have struggled up some of the highest mountains only to find yetis living at the top. I have gazed into the center of the universe and found only myself looking back. Life, for me, has always ended up back on the ground finding joy in the moments, but knowing life is mostly what I make it. There have been no magic princes rushing in to save me.
I don't need saving. My life is beautiful just the way it is.
I do everything in your name my love.
When I walk around the park, each step is a meditation in gratitude for meeting you.
My hands on the steering wheel of my car are just a reflection of what yours look like in your favorite auto.
Even the way I walk is an almost unconscious attempt to walk as you do, with casual forthrightness.
I speak of the light and that means the way you make my soul glow.
I smile at strangers and it is only a reflection of your smile.
While other people bow before their idols I only smile before your image.
You bring me a joy so terrible I don't know how I will survive it.
Lessons, just like adventures, come in all shapes and sizes and each one impacts us in different ways.
I choose to carry the burden of these with me along the way, knowing their familiar weight, although possibly painful, is a reminder that everything simply is what it is.
I don't need to put any deep Machiavellian label on it. People do what they feel they must and that is simply the truth. My job is not to judge them or make their life harder.
My job is to take care of myself, to walk towards the light as honestly as I can and try to be a vessel of love along the Way.
Over ten years ago I bought a little plaque that said, Once in a while, right in the middle of an ordinary life, love comes along ... and brings you a fairy tale.
My life, in general, often has fairy tale overtones, both evil and miraculous. Life is what I make it. Not that I can turn sorrow into joy, but I can get through it and find the light that follows most storms.
That being said, I allowed myself to fall into the rut of thinking a plain ordinary life was all I can expect forever more and I was wrong!
A mystery so huge I cannot even look at it too closely has come into my life. Within it lie treasures greater than any you might find in the dragon's lair, but it makes no promises. What fills me today must be enough and I must understand that fairy tales can crush you if they fall apart.
And still, in the way of fairy tales, it fills me so divinely that I would risk everything for any moment in this mystery. There will never be any regrets, no matter what happens.
Changes and choices abound
And my job is to be here
Believing in the wonder
Trusting the universe
Absorbing the beauty.
I love how you love me.
Does that conjure up memories of a song? It does for me, but I have only had it said to me, personally, once.
Having someone recognize that my love for them is real and sweet and fierce, is a gift. Such a person understands something about me others often miss, or take for granted.
It is a level of intimacy that makes my heart leap a little, because being understood is so amazingly rare.
Nothing feels better than being loved - except maybe loving.
Saying something is unlikely is a much more realistic way of looking at seemingly impossible things.
No one wants to be a fool, but to experience the so called impossible, one must reach out and take chances.
Friends will try to protect you and you need to hear what they say while doing what your own heart whispers. You can be cautious without negating an entire experience, because extraordinary things often require extraordinary daring and courage. There is almost always a sacrifice preceding the miracle.
The price may be a broken heart, but the prize may be living your wildest dreams. No one can decide that for anyone else. If you decide the risk is worth it, you accept the consequences.
I often dive in where no one else wants to go and each experience has made me stronger, wiser, and more joyful in the long run.
You will never swim with the angels if you don't dive into the light.
I wonder how often people are more of a projection than a reality?
I imagine who you are, create visions of you, and fall in love with that.
Not a bad thing, but for love to last it must be based on reality.
You are not who I think you are, but who you think you are. I want to learn to see that.
It terrifies me when I realize the reverse is true.
What a responsibility I am. My feelings, my actions, my thoughts, are all as important as the shirt I put on, or the pounds I take off. I can hide from anyone, even myself, for a while, but in the long run the truth bleeds through and it has to be enough.
It is enough.
Nothing can change that.
Getting to know people is both fun and stressful for me. My first instinct is to try and impress them, but I think that is why so many marriages fail after a number of years. Living to impress is a time consuming, energy sucking process that eventually dissipates.
Do I dare to be myself? Do I even know who that is? I was brought up to be a chameleon, a creature who anticipates your every need and fulfills it as quickly as I can. Fortunately, I am aware of this and I've had a long time to figure out who I am.
I am not great at anything, but I am more than passably good at many things. A jack of all trades, if you will, and master of none. I am in awe of people who have excelled at something. People who have creative careers. People who have written books, or seem to have an immense education coupled with kindness. But, like most people, I like people who like me!
There's nothing wrong with that, but it just cannot become a life's work. Trying to be liked is not a goal worthy of a whole life.
What is worthy?
Serenity, kindness, gratitude, basic human goodness. Not a facade, but the real thing, a deep abiding being that is not perfect, but is as perfectly honest as possible.
Every diet program starts out talking about making lifestyle changes and I read that like people read everything they are forced to read for their own good.
Quickly and with a grain of salt.
For some reason I always believe I am different.
It was the same way when I went to counseling. They say it is only possible to change yourself, yet I honestly went for validation that he was wrong. I wanted him fixed!
And then one day, at the end of my divorce I found myself in counseling with a very wise woman who asked me why I was there and in the ensuing twenty weeks I began a healing process that has continued for nearly twenty five years now.
I have finally realized that dieting is the same process. I started watching what I ate seventeen months ago when I came out of the Covid quarantine as a grossly overweight, type two diabetic woman. I've lost weight before, but always gained it back as soon as I reached my goal. I had a million reasons and excuses. Many of them valid!
I realize this is a lifestyle change that must not stop. At my age there are not going to be a lot more chances to stay healthy. I have lost almost a hundred pounds. I am walking more every day and I am feeling years younger.
I am treating my food addiction with a sort of modified AA mentality. My mantra is not, make me skinny. It is, I want to be healthy. Learning how to live in a world where food is everywhere and a daily challenge has a learning curve.
The fact that I realize all of this, at last, is a gift.
Be who you is . . .
Except when you want to be someone else.
Then Role Play!
There is nothing wrong with trying out different personas, as long as you know the difference between pretend and reality.
A rich fantasy life can add a twinkle to your eye and tons of fun.
In a way this is who you are too.
They say the truth is in the telling, but I think it goes deeper than that.
Truth is the only fabric that holds up over time. When someone starts snipping the threads, a whole relationship becomes weaker.
That's okay if it's a one night stand, a chance meeting of two strangers, or even the occasional connection of two souls in the night.
It's not okay when I begin to weave a tapestry that might frame my life.
Little moth holes become gaping flaws over time and what was once a thing of beauty becomes painful to look at, not something I want to hang on my wall.
Not impossible to repair, but time consuming and delicate.
Adventures come in all shapes and sizes.
Some fit in your pocket and some in a backpack.
A few only fit in your imagination.
But they are all valid
And they all require daring, trust, and wisdom.
Leave out any one and an adventure
Becomes a fiasco.
I really believe in positive affirmations.
I honestly do not believe in superstitions.
And yet, my life takes twists and turns most people would never believe.
I dream and sometimes my dreams come true.
I wish and my wishes appear as if by magic out of thin air!
Whether it is simply good luck, or my attempt to be real I may never know.
Either way my heart overflows with gratitude.
Mary's virgin explanation made Joseph suspect upstairs neighbor.
A mnemonic.
A way to remember the planets only I can't remember who the E stands for.
I think Mercury, Venus, Mars, Jupiter, Uranus, Neptune
Who is this E?
I actually have to google it!
Isn't that the way of our world?
In my dream I live in a house up on a hill. Behind me is a huge cleft in a cliff and in that cleft are many many rooms.
Each room is something special. So special that other people come to visit and I allow them to go in. Some rooms have magnificent clothes in the closet, all for the taking. Others have unimaginable treasures like real babies in cribs awaiting parents, beautiful dolls, amazing pets. The furnishings are exotic and beautiful. Anything anyone can dream of is in that cleft somewhere and all you have to do is go in and take it.
It is yours.
But at the end of every day I have to go in myself and clean up. Everything has returned to the rocks, wood, water, atoms that they came from and I must throw them into the well to dispose of them. I throw in big dead fish, dried up clothing, ashy rocks.
Nothing is left in those magical rooms in the cleft until the next morning when it is once again a wonderland of joy and treats.
Mine, or yours, for a day, for one moment in time, and then recycled back into what they are made of, where they came from.
