Boundaries

 

I cannot tell you how many hours I spent in counseling, or with groups of people searching for my authentic inner self. The pain I felt made these things an integral part of my life for most of my life, but in spite of this I really had the wrong idea about most of it.

I wanted someone or something to blame. I wanted to be vindicated and pitied and have someone make it all better. I was looking for the universal kiss for my boo boos.

Only when I began living alone did I discover that the whole game is really in my ballpark. Oh there is trauma in my past, but blaming wasn't going to make it all better. A child is helpless, but most adults really do have choices.

Choosing to stay in a situation that makes me unhappy is my choice. Albeit the alternatives are sometimes pretty difficult, but there were, and are, alternatives. Blaming it on people, or work, or helplessness does not solve the problem. Is it better to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troubles and by opposing end them? 

The best way I discovered for dealing with my problems is to realize I do not have to accept the way other people treat me as something I earned. It is not gospel. I have to face the truth that I cannot change anyone else either. If they chose to blame their job, or their children, or their situation for their problems and use that to enable their misery, it is their choice. 

I can make other choices and I've gotten better at that over the years. I do not continue to engage in situations, or relationships that are unhealthy now. The exception is family, but even that is done with careful boundaries. Your self inflicted misery is not mine no matter how much I love you.