All in my mind

I am always amazed at how much my mind affects the quality of my life. I think that speaks to why we should be more honest and open, at least with those who are trustworthy.

I have spent most of the last thirty five years feeling obese and unworthy. I started out not even over weight, just above the weight my ex and I thought I should be. I thought everyone else was tons lighter than I was and never shared my weight with anyone. We all talked about weight, but it was with words like "I'm so heavy" or "I'm so fat." No one ever shared, "I am 175 pounds."

Even now people are afraid to use the actual pounds. They talk about "happy weight." It wasn't until my sister recently revealed how much she weighed most of her life that I realized I was actually thinner than she was for a good deal of my younger years. Yet, in my mind's eye, she looked perfect while I considered myself shameful.

Then my niece lost a lot of weight and was so proud that she announced on Facebook that she had hit 200 pounds! I was shocked. She looked great and I would have guessed that number to be much much lower.

That was the beginning of a new era for me. I started looking at old pictures and looking in the mirror. I am definitely heavy now, but I really looked fine back when. And now as the pounds have slowly slipped away I no longer feel hopeless because I am not shooting for 115 pounds at my height.

I am reaching for a lower blood pressure and easier walking. I would like to wear clothes off the regular racks and be able to trim my toenails with less huffing and puffing. These things are pretty much here, or close.

I've been here so many times, but in my mind it wasn't even close to acceptable. Maybe this new knowledge will help me stay healthier.