Acceptance

Most of us say we are like everyone else, but that is a hard thing to believe.

Not that I think I am special, or beautiful or talented, but I do believe I am unique.

I think no one else thinks these thoughts I think.

No one else does these things I do.

No one else makes do the way I do.

This fragile dark person hiding behind the words, peeks out, looking to see if you notice her, thinking she is invisible inside of me.

When I say I am you, I must mean all of me.

A New Beginning

I did not see much of the royal wedding. I have a busy day ahead of me, but I did see the kiss just moments ago. That is my favorite part.

I want to see the genuine love, the people standing there surrounded by the children, a little one with her hands over her ears, another one climbing on the railing. the little boy looking up at William, the Queen looking pleased in her bright yellow. Children doing what children do despite royal expectations and Kate and William appearing truly happy, relaxed and smiling through it all.

I loved hearing how beautiful Kate's dress was, without hearing that it was more, or less, beautiful than anyone else's. To me it is important that there not be comparisons.

I did see one replay of the couple coming down the aisle of the church after the ceremony and I thought it was extraordinarily sweet that Kate looked vibrantly happy and William a bit shy.

The fact that there were two kisses on that balcony, evidently a break in tradition, fed right into my love of the romantic.

In a world where there is so much darkness and misery right now, this day is a break, a moment when the traditional joy of a young couple just starting out, truly in love, and truly supported by their families, adds some much needed light...a time to sigh softly and remember that life goes on. Always, life goes on.

Growth

Deep within the forest of my being I hear the rain

Pattering against leaves of trees so huge their roots hang above me

Three hundred feet of understanding

Overhung with leaves and earth and drops of life

Filling great holes with mystery

Reflecting pools where I gaze longingly

Searching for you

And finding myself.

The Difference

It is easy to do what feels good in the moment. Easy to make people feel good for a moment. Nice to see people smile for a moment. It feels very loving to do these things - for a moment.

The reality of that moment may not show up for years.

Feel good moments are sometimes just band aids that keep us from seeing the damage we do. Tragedies lurk under those band aids.

It is the old stitch in time saves nine theory. Helping someone continue to do unhealthy things, wrong things, only magnifies the problems in the long run.

Real love is not feeling good in the moment. It is doing the right thing for the right reasons.

We can make excuses, or we can make a difference.

Deep inside our hearts we know the difference.

Faith

I'm one of those people whose mother did not teach me to cook. I learned to make oatmeal for forty one summer when I washed dishes in a nursing home. My father-in-law taught me how to fry eggs when I was dating his son. The rest came out of being able to read cookbooks as a young bride.

There is a knack for excelling at some things, but getting the job done often only requires being able to follow directions. I can usually do that.

I may have to put that piece of furniture together twice, but if I follow the directions and I persevere the job gets done. Much of life is perseverance and patience.

Other things must be learned more slowly, by trial and error, or imitating someone who already knows what they are doing. I am good at imitating people too. Again, stick with it and that imitation becomes a skill that I can pull off at some acceptable degree. Playing the piano is like that for me.

The things that frighten me are the things I do by the seat of my pants, those skills that seem to be here inside of me, but which I don't have any real idea how I tap into. I suspect they are like everything else I do, but I am just not aware of how it works. There is something scary about not having a formula for reproducing something with a degree of continuity. It's kind of like making whipped cream. Done right it is a delight. Done wrong it is like lumpy butter.

Writing is my whipped cream. Done right, meaning the people who read it like it, it can be really good. Done wrong, meaning people don't like it, it is ego shattering. I don't write anything and hold it up to the world unless I believe it is okay, but I never know until after the fact. I've learned, of course, that if there is a large enough reader base, someone is bound to like anything, but there is no security in that.

I find it odd, but interesting, (and terrifying,) that the things I do best are a mystery to me.

Responsibility

I see you looking at me, listening to what I say, watching me.

Sometimes that makes me afraid.

I think you might take these thoughts and plant them along your way; and then when they begin to grow you might think they are signposts directing you to the next place you need to go.

My seeds are not even always perfect in my own garden. This life is a learning process.

In every moment there are so many choices, so many variables, that a person could go crazy trying to second guess them all.

Nobody knows everything. Nobody makes all the right decisions. Nobody should hold anyone, not even themselves, up to a candle looking for either perfection, or faults.

I promise you both are there, but like shape shifters they will change given the time and the moment. What seems so now may not be true at any other time.

Most of all I want you to know that I'm doing the best I can and I know you are too.

It is the love that counts.

Fundamental

Looking up at the moon, I think of astronauts and the man in the moon. You think of lover's lane and a starry night. She is awestruck by the shining beauty of that orb.

Each one of us sees something different, something meaningful to us.

I love that. It is what I strive for.

When I write a thot, I would love for it to be that same way. If it can touch each individual at some inner level, provoking a true feeling, or reaction....I am more than content. I am almost ecstatic.

My Hero

I met a child the other day. He was wearing a medal on his back and I didn't think he knew it was there.

I asked him what monsters he had slain, how he had earned that badge of courage?

He looked at me quizzically and asked if I wanted to come nearer, take a closer look.

I told him that up close, people scare me, but farther away they look smaller.

He invites his dragons over for dinner and hugs them when they go away.

He is much braver than I am.

I Wonder

I wonder if a rose and a new born baby experience the same sense of loss when they are plucked from their mother's bodies?

I wonder if infinity really exists or if we just haven't discovered the edge yet?

I wonder why some brains express themselves musically and others do it numerically and still others do it with words?

I wonder why some people build sculptures and others paint pictures?

I wonder why some people follow directions and others invent them?

I wonder how so much diversity came into existence?

Pictures

I knew who I was when I was little. I was a girl with a head, two legs, two arms and a smiley face. I usually had big springy curls sticking out from my head like some sort of alien antennae. That head thought things. I still remember some of them and they were relatively sophisticated for a three year old, but I was very new.

A few years down the road I had a better idea of who I was. That girl had a body now and it was strong! I was pretty sure that if I wanted to, I could do anything! The hair was confined into two curly little ponytails and the hands had shape. The head was starting to make stories up at a surprising rate and the fingers were struggling to press down keys on a piano with some sort of order.

Jumping forward a bit more the face began to take on more detail and the body had a heart. It didn't show because it was covered in all sorts of clothing that hid feelings, tenuous and new, but growing stronger every day. The head was filling up with thoughts and questions and the hands tried to answer them by pounding away on those piano keys.

Eventually the face showed some shading and the heart expanded to unbelievable proportions. The body multiplied itself and the fingers once more tickled the keys on the piano and children too precious to even contemplate.

Now I'm too big to fit on the paper. I see my stories coming to life. My piano plays me. My world is turning me inside out because it is too huge to simply surround me anymore and my heart is so full it would explode if it had to stay inside!

Seekers

I was born looking for you.

I didn't know your face, or the color of your eyes. I wasn't sure how tall you'd be, or how you'd part your hair.

But I knew you were here. I knew somewhere you were thinking the same thoughts, dreaming the same dreams.

I was afraid we might miss each other, but I should have known that never happens. I had to be myself, put myself out there, let go of the fear.

Hiding behind all those facades made me hard to find. I only had to peek out, show my face for one glancing moment and you found me!

We are twins, born to different parents, generations apart.

Surprise, Surprise, Surprise!

Life's little detours can become major highways in no time at all!

Known for my forays off the beaten path I often choose to give up doing the hard thing in favor of the fun thing. I have the ability to focus and spend intense hours doing something I enjoy, but have always believed that there were things I could not, or maybe would not, do.

It seems the universe is tricky. Instead of forcing me to buckle down, which maybe it tried and failed, it has taken that old approach wise parents and teachers have used for eons.

While I was madly doing those things I love, it reached out and hooked me! Showing me how something I thought would be boring and awful, terrible and impossible, was relevant!

Not only relevant, but interesting, fascinating, intriguing!

One would think that by my age these types of tactics would be unnecessary, but by the world's standards I have the interest span and temperament of a child.

After forty years, I am finally reading those classics I swore I hated...and I love them!

You would not believe how I got here!

It Takes A Village

Imagine using your mind to move a ball!

Or making slime, or building your own wooden trinket box, or lying on your back watching the stars move above in you in fantastic formations!

Imagine a day when you got to fly in a real flight simulator, see real moon rocks and fossils, talk to a real pilot as he flew above the city over your head!

And if you are very young, in age or heart, helping a plane out by pinning the tail on it while flying blind and in a tailspin!

Today hundreds of people got together and made all these things and so much more possible for the children in our community. Everyone from NASA to local businesses, teachers, students and even the zoo provided hands on opportunities for children of all ages and all competencies to try out and succeed at a variety of science based wonders!

There is nothing like knowledge and success to make a child bloom and today our community was a garden of the finest sort! This is the way the world should be!

Don't Be Sad

Everything is here. Right here. Right now.

You may not believe me.

It may not be recognizable to you.

But that doesn't change the truth of it.

Some things appear to be gone. Others appear to not yet be in sight, but your world is all around you just like it has been for millions of years.

The nosy people. The scientists and diggers, the ones not afraid to peer beyond their noses, find this world to be a magical place.

Lovers feel it! And if you are around a lover long enough it can be come catching! Dig in! Study! Explore! Listen, look, believe and new things appear all the time.

My Country Tis Of Thee

I sometimes lead tours of school children through a small Midwestern museum. The children I get are usually the very youngest and some people think there is really nothing they can learn from us.

I don't think that is true, but I do know that there is much I can learn from them.

Yesterday I met fifteen children, ages 3 to 5 outside as they pulled into our parking lot. I showed them a folded American flag and asked them what shape it was. They were eager to tell me that it was a triangle, but they added, "It is a flag!" Then they wanted to show me that they knew the Pledge of Allegiance.

I asked them to wait until I raised the flag and then we could all say it together. As I went about this business I talked to them about the right way to raise the flag. How it should not touch the ground and how the stars needed to be at the top and I have to admit it always stirs my soul a bit when I raise our flag. It is windy out there and as soon as it hits the top and I pull the rope down tight to secure it, the wind catches it and it unfurls so majestically that sometimes I expect to hear a trumpet, or even a symphony playing the Star Spangled Banner, but I never have.

Yesterday, just as the flag unfurled I saw fifteen tiny children all place their right hands over their hearts and simultaneously start saying the Pledge of Allegiance. They said it proudly and loudly and very clearly for such tiny tots. It touched me to the core.

But not as much as what came next. As they finished the pledge and I turned to lead them into the building, they all burst out in song. Fifteen tiny, clear, sweet, voices singing My Country Tis Of Thee. Not one faltered! No one cued them. They just did it!

It was stunning.

For You

Everyone needs something they can feel proud of.

Pride may be a sin by some accounts, but when the world is populated by people who know how to criticize and tear people apart, there must be a counter move to build them back up.

Pride may not be the word you want to use, but it is the word I use to mean something that makes me feel good about myself.

I think it can be anything, but it's better if it is not something too transitory like looks or clothing, those are so fragile and tenuous that they are almost guaranteed to be things that will turn around and let their owner down.

It might be as simple as a sweet smile, or helpful nature, and it might be as grand as a knack for peace negotiations. It only matters that I take ownership of it and nurture it.

It is the best gift anyone can give another, a recognition of this part of them that is so special and life affirming.

Brand New

Growing up I only learn what I experience, or am taught, so teach me carefully.

These great traits that the family has valued so deeply for so long, are they really what you want me to learn?

Did they serve you well? Are these the things you found most valuable when dealing with the world later on?

I need to learn about love and truth, about reality and compassion.

And don't forget that that these things should include how I think about myself.

The Mirror

Sometimes I hold up a picture of myself that is so real it hurts.

I am afraid people will look at it and walk away from me, leaving me alone and broken-hearted.

The truth is I think I am tempting fate to walk away, to prove that I am just as worthless as I sometimes think.

Then I won't have to love all of me either.

Join The Ranks

I used to be so afraid of doing the wrong thing.

I still am, but now I know everyone does it eventually, if not every day.

Somehow I missed that particular truth for most of my life.

Imagine waiting all those years for perfection to catch up with me! It wasn't as if people hadn't tried to tell me. I just wasn't really listening. I thought it was just some sort of kindness; a reassurance that came out of pity rather than truth; that really intelligent, really good, really perfect people never made mistakes!

Now I know that to never make mistakes is first of all not realistic, but even worse it means that hundreds of opportunities are missed out of fear.

Of course there are times when mistakes are not acceptable. Always read the label on medicine bottles twice, drive safely, never take your eyes off the children and probably a few more I'm not thinking of right now. Being careless is not okay, but honest mistakes?

They are part of life and sometimes they even lead to new and wonderful discoveries. I've heard Ivory soap was one of these.

Now I ask questions! Sometimes I ask embarrassing questions, but I'd rather ask them than not know. Still I make mistakes, it seems to be part of life; a part that brings out the humanity in me; another one of those common denominators that comes with being human.

I admire people who are willing to admit, take responsibility for, and try to repair the damage their mistakes cause. I want to be in those ranks.

In My World

Who are the people in my neighborhood, the people I may not see each day, but who are an integral part of my life?

My mind sorts them out with little tags that mean so little. I can describe them to you and yet if you passed them on the street you might never know it.

The color of their eyes, the shape of their bodies, those are things eyes see, but really have so little to do with the person I remember.

Depending on when I look, how they pop up in my heart's eye, that glancing moment changes them!

Shape shifters, who are the infants I once carried, smiling rescuers who appeared at my door bearing much needed gifts, siblings who fought with me for my mother's attention, their age and size changes with every thought.

They come in a million colors. Blue and clear like the sky, red and passionate like the rose, bright, murky, shiny, dull.

Some never fail to fill my world with light. A few fill it with terror. And neither need be present to be noticed.

It is a nod to eternity that even after they step through the veil they are still present.

This human connection is a strange and wondrous one, fine and intricate like a spider's web, it binds us together forever.

Choices

It is true that there is always room at the top, but that does not mean you want to be at the top of everything.

Beware of those who cannot make up their minds. Those smiling faces may be the facades that hide fatal flaws and uncomfortable secrets.

The road to the top is filled with obstacles, most of them fear based, because there is a difference between striving for perfection and wanting people to think one is perfect.

The latter are simply power players living in terror that their own lack of faith in themselves may be true and discovered by those who are truly worthy adversaries.

Sometimes these wannabees are actually very talented and wonderful people and sometimes they are just clogs in the pipe that, no matter how brilliant and delightful they are, should not be blocking the light that could be shining on everyone else.

Get too close, want something too much, and it is easy to get lost in the political muck that is a road sign warning people to stay away.

Not being chosen doesn't mean you aren't one of the chosen ones.

In the words of a very wise man, "You will find what you desire whether you know what it is or not."

The Challenge of the Moment

I am not always ready to deal with my own problems, but that doesn't stop them from dealing with me.

Life just keeps moving backwards and forwards and around in circles and I stand here trying to figure out which direction I am going next.

Then I remember that the real challenge is to know where I am now!

A Real Ten

The perfect man, or perfect woman, is exactly who he, or she, is.

Anything else goes against nature.

A little boy may play with dolls, or a little girl may shoot guns. The problem is not with what the child loves, but how he or she uses it. I see men raising their own babies today and I see women going out to bring home the bread.

Bread makers should make bread. Corn growers should grow corn. Doctors should heal. Teachers should teach. Who we are depends on who we are, not what sort of plumbing we are born with.

In the end, if we are all kind, caring, content, compassionate creatures -- everyone comes out ahead.

The Spark of Life

Death is a subject that fascinates some people and is purposefully ignored by others, but I suppose most things are like that.

It is the last act, the final scene, the end of the line so to speak in this journey through life everyone talks about.

I don't know how anyone can really understand it. There are no magic words, no temper tantrums, no amount of pleading or begging that can change it. There is no amount of money that can reverse it. The loss of the sense of power one has in life is completely taken away when there is an attempt to try and control death. We can produce it, we can put it off, but we can't stop it.

One of my earliest memories of pondering something was before I was four years old. I spent a great deal of time contemplating my own death. At the time, my fears were about leaving my mommy and daddy and hoping I felt okay being with my grandpa, who I had no memory of, but who I was assured loved me and would take care of me, until they came.

Since then many other ideas have crossed my mind. I wonder how death can be so feared by people who believe in heaven. I wonder why people feel the need to proclaim divine retribution will be as senseless as man's. I wonder what would be wrong with truly going back into the universe to be resurrected in the grass and flowers and trees that spring forth and die so quickly and quietly all around me. I wonder many things.

The only thing I know is that the missing that fills in the hole left by death is real.

That's The Beauty Of...

I used to love the song that goes, "Today while the blossoms still cling to the vine." It used to be one of my favorite songs.

I still love it, although I think the blossoms have mostly let go, or at least are hanging on a bit tenuously now.

But I still have the rest of it. A million tomorrows is a long time and if they start right now, it is even longer.

That's the beauty of living in the moment.

Rise!

One of the things I notice lately is how much I laugh out loud.

Growing up I completely ceased doing that around the age of eight. Up until then I used to roll on the floor laughing, mostly to impress my family who seemed to egg me on with their attention. Then I realized that all the people around me were very quietly serious and I set about growing up to be the same. Humor was usually very dry and mostly self deprecating. A tight smile, perhaps a silent chuckle, nothing more really escaped the confines of a well controlled sense of humor.

Later I grew to fear the Cheshire cat smiles of those in my world. Laughter was often confined to the evil snickerings of those who used it to ostracize others and the world was in such a sorry state that it seemed wrong to enjoy it too much.

Now I find myself letting out merry peals of giggles quite often.

I can't change the state of the world by being solemn. I am grown now, so I no longer need to worry about how to get there. I'm here. I'm it. I am one of those grown-ups some child is looking to for a pattern on life.

Life is good. More than that, life is expansive! It is possible to keep my finger in the pot, stirring up things and changing what I can without lying on the bottom suffering in the dark.

It's much more fun to be bubbling along at the top!

Noticing

Spring is here.

The bats are floating around the lights devouring bugs. The wind blows warm in through my window My throat itches, my nose runs.

The world is awake and alive.

Thriving just like it did when I was ten.

Only I am not ten anymore.

My body goes slower now, sometimes not moving at all without great pain, but it seems this slowness not only allows me the time to really take in everything else. It actually forces me to.

I am aged and honed. My palate recognizes the richness of this moment. My head reels with the beauty and my heart aches with the joy.

I have arrived.

Vintage living circa 1949.

The Human Perspective

Religion is associated by many people with love and charity, but it is probably the most volatile and sensitive subject the world has ever invented. A man must make his fortune, or follow his destiny, but his religion belongs to him.

It starts out being a set of beliefs about why and how things are, or why they happen, and quickly becomes that thing in the mind of those who believe it. In other words the symbol becomes the thing.

Human nature seems to be uniquely competitive. We like to control things. I hear parents boast that their child was potty trained at six months, or junior learned to read at two. The one who can spell the most is the best. The strongest is the best. The most popular the best. The prettiest is the best.

If we want these things for mere humans, imagine what we expect from God? Our God is the best!

And since we cannot control God, we have religion, which we do have some sort of control over because there are obviously many different religions, each one the best.

Twisted that can become a travesty of competition, a search for being the one with the most power, or the best.

Imagine the ego trips that come out of religion as the people within them rise higher and higher within an echelon that leads to the ultimate best. Love and charity mix in with rules that create deadly cocktails making regular politics look like nursery school programs.

In this human family many of the children are vying to become the favorite, the best, and others want to take advantage of their wanting to satisfy more earthly desires like power.

What started out as love and charity becomes a cover for greed and corruption. When the symbol becomes the thing, the smallest of these can create enough horror to destroy civilizations.

Look What I Done To My Song

I have a new toy! After months of living without a piano of any sort, I have used my tax money first to pay off my credit card and next to purchase a keyboard! It is something I didn't dare to dream could happen this year, but it is something that is a dream come true at the same time.

I have been going through honest withdrawal for the past several months. Since I was very young my piano has been a form of therapy I took for granted. Happy I pound away. Sad I pound away. Angry I pound away. Bored I doodle around and sometimes I just sit down to really practice and play.

Although there have been periods of time when other things replace it, this year my fingers have ached to touch the keys and hear them play the notes I love.

This keyboard feels pretty much like a piano and it sounds pretty much like one too. It has the advantage of being able to plug into headphones so I can play as late and as loud as I want without any fear of someone being upset by the sound, the song, or the mistakes. There is only one pedal so that is somewhat limiting, but I don't miss the others that much.

And last, but not least, I am out of shape. My back is tired and my fingers stiff, but that will go away too.

It was delivered by UPS today, but they took it to the office and I had to carry it back here myself. I hadn't realized how much just a keyboard can weigh. I finally managed to get it all but the last half block when a nice young woman from the apartment next door swooped in and carried it the rest of the way for me. It was a little sad because she said something really kind like, "I would want someone to help my grandmother if she were doing this." But I met a new and very sweet neighbor in the process.

Turtles and Bagpipes!

Most of us have a private side that we share with almost no one and there is a reason for that. People can be very judgmental and in today's world it is more common to say the sarcastic, or mean thing, than the caring or compassionate one.

Often thought of as sophistication, those trite little comments that light up tweets and hip situations are not as difficult to come up with as they may seem. Once you get into the groove, finding faults and highlighting them in other people gets easier and easier. It is so easy to laugh at "them," whoever "they" are.

Laughing at ourselves is an entirely different game. We generally pick those things we know we really have in common with other people, because then there is a sort of camaraderie in laughing at ourselves. We're still playing it safe, just perhaps being a little kinder (of course it does include ourselves so that isn't all that surprising.)

There is no safety shield anymore. Anyone in a position of authority, or in the public eye is open to the lowest sort of unthinking criticism. It is so easy to pick the bones clean.

The real art is in building up the man or woman so that they become confident caring contributors to this world.

But I digress. Not sharing my private side keeps me safe, but sometimes it keeps me from finding like souls who might enrich my life to the nth degree. I suppose that is where today's ability to meet people anonymously in the beginning has a purpose. I can share my love of turtles, or the Highlander series without watching them fall on the floor cackling with glee! Eventually, if I am true to myself, I will find another turtle lover and maybe even someone else who loves the bagpipes.

And in the process we build each other up with our caring and contributing.