I believe in something. I just don't know what to call it.
No religion seems to fit. I don't believe I have to curry the favor of some quasi human creature or call this power by any name man has made up. I don't believe any religious myths are much more than man's attempt to explain the way things work, or try to control whatever this power is by doing something magical.
I do believe that there is power in creation. Whether that power is inside or outside of me I don't know, but I do know that changes in me take place inside me. And I believe that there are things I can do that make my life better.
Eliminating stress. Focusing on the present moment. Opening myself to healing wherever it comes from and however it comes. And then just doing common sense things like trying to control my blood sugar or drinking lots of water for my kidneys. I think it is highly possible that healing is part of who we are if we give it a chance.
But I don't know any of this.
Four months ago my kidney doctor suggested I start looking into dialysis. My numbers were low and getting lower. This past week she told me that whatever I was doing I should keep doing it! She'd never seen the kind of improvement I was showing.
Now all that being said I am still in stage four kidney disease. That's not good.
But right now I am better than I have been in four years.
It's a little scary because I truly don't know exactly what I've been doing to achieve that. I've been eating terribly. My A1C is way too high and I am still anemic after seven iron infusions, but my kidney's are much better and I have a strong heart.
I'm going to focus on that while I work on the rest and the hardest part is not to let the bad thoughts take over, because I suspect it is my attempt to live in the moment that has made a difference.
