Joy

 

What is joy?

I thought that would be the easy part of this, but joy is elusive. It is light and airy, something that lifts me up like a feather on the breeze. And yet its foundations are forged deep within my past. There is something mysterious and magical about joy. Something indiscernible.

But it is visceral, like my favorite colors or flavors, it is a part of me distinguished by something inside of me for something outside of me.

Joy is what connects the two. It is the peaceful feeling of fulfillment unlike any other. It is a deep, abiding satisfaction that emanates from my very core.

I find joy in the things I display in my living room niche. I also find joy in removing all the unnecessary things in my life. For reasons I do not understand, I find joy in the sound of thunderstorms and rain pelting against my windows, joy in order and the security it promotes within me, joy when gazing at water, or the silhouettes of herons flying by. I find joy in the sound of certain people's voices.

I like many things, but most things that give me joy cannot be held in my hand. 

Only in my heart.

Remembering

 

Who do you remember?

Who are the people who made an impression on you?

I doubt many of you think fondly of: Mable, she had a kitchen floor so clean I could eat off of it, but I preferred the table and plates. Or, Maxine who was always working in her basement. For forty years she worked on that basement! Paid a guy fifty bucks to haul it all away in the end. Or Gramma, who worked so hard all day that she slept the rest of her life away.

Most of us remember people who did things with us. People who built sand castles, or tents made out of blankets we crawled in and out of. People who sat down and looked us in the eye, listened to us and offered some kind of feedback to show they really cared and paid attention.

We don't want to be someone's project. We want people who walk beside us, who interact with us in inspiring or joyful ways. People remember smiling faces and thoughtful words.

All the clean houses and all the big jobs, cracked Humpty Dumpty up and that's no yolk! Remember the story of the Dutch woman who was so clean she scrubbed the faces right off her children? She probably believed that was more important than playing with them. Misconceptions can ruin us. Work is what we do to survive. but it is not enough to define a memorable life.

Do what you love.

People will remember your sparkling eyes, your genuine smile, your love of life.

Coping

 

I read Facebook and see people trying to cope with whatever means they can find.

It's always been this way.

Some people cope by praying. Some by meditating, breathing, drumming, counting steps. Some walk in nature. Some push pins into dolls. Some invent wild scenarios that have meaning to them, but no one else.

In the end it is simply a way of putting time between them and their anguish in the hope that something better will happen.

If things get better? Then that way worked. If they don't? It's time to try a new coping mechanism.

There is nothing like the pain of hopelessness to make folks grab at straws.

Call it faith, religion, cults, curses, witch craft, whatever you like. In the end it has more to do with who you are than how you did it. Your belief makes all the excuses necessary to validate what you cannot control.

And sometimes time allows you to find a new answer, a new way, a better way of coping.

Today

 

Today I left the house wearing two real shoes for the first time in weeks. In fact it was the first time I had plans to get out of the car and go into a store in an equally long time.

It isn't that I am no longer in pain, but the pain is doable if I am very careful and don't over do it.

I went to a drive through and ordered cheese curds and a drink, then drove to my favorite little park. There I pulled up under the shade of a huge old tree and ate my lunch while I drank in the nature around me. I needed this!

This past week was a blur of bad television and sleeping. It got to be a challenge to know what I had even done when I was awake. At my age it could be the beginning of senility. A senility brought on by bad medical practices and unmanageable pain that made every step an agony. Add depression to that and you have a recipe for the end.

Now, after being able to at least sit in the park in my car, then buy some gift bags for my granddaughter's birthday tomorrow, I feel like a new person.

Last night the Doors, The End, ran over and over through my mind. Today I am back in the sunlight wondering how I ever stepped out of it.

In spite of

 

May eleventh, a day that will live in infamy! 

On that day my nephrologist prescribed four new drugs all at once. Each one had a bad, if somewhat delayed reaction, except for one that I only took a half of. Now three months later I am still suffering the results of those drugs, plus I am on massive amounts of anti-inflammatory drugs for my right foot, which was one of the side effects. 

Unable to put any weight at all on it until yesterday, I am going stir crazy staying at home. Tomorrow I go back to my podiatrist to see how things are shaping up. Best case scenario is that the foot stays pain free when the drugs are gone and I can be fitted for new orthotics and shoes.

On May tenth I was happy, feeling good and excited about Bestest coming for a visit. By the time he arrived I was on the decline. For the first time in my life I feel like an elderly person! Three doctors and a dentist have destroyed my health in order to reach their goals for me. 

I am hoping to climb out of this morass in spite of them all. There must be quality of life as well as quantity and just because I cannot achieve the blood pressure that is desirable does not mean I should live the rest of my life in misery.

No show

Today I went to the doctor. Again. I checked in at 2:10 for a 2:20 appointment. No one else was in the waiting room and the receptionist merrily announced that she would let the doctor know I was there.

People came in. People went out. More people came and went and after fifty minutes I finally went back to the receptionist's desk. Now there were two women there, so I asked the other one if she knew how much longer I would have to wait? 

She looked up my name and said, "You were a no show, so you lost your place!" I explained that I absolutely was not a no show.  

An hour later, when I finally got into a room, I told the nurse what happened. She said, "I came to the waiting room, but you were a no show, so I took the next person!!!!!!"

I had to explain what happened - twice - before she acknowledged it! Then she told me my rash might, or might not be due to the medicine, that the doctor would let me know. I explained that there was no doubt that the medicine caused the rash. Then she took my blood pressure and seemed surprised that it was so high.

Thank god the doctor took one look at me and said, "Oh my god, that is definitely an allergic reaction to the medicine."

She gave me a Cortizone shot and a prescription for methylprednisolone, making sure that I knew if it didn't get better she might put me on an extended one.

I went to the pharmacy to pick it up and the guy in front of me never moved in the drive up lane. After fifteen minutes a store rep came out and told all of us to move into the next line as we could. The guy at the window was filling out insurance forms! I have to say, the nice guy behind me stayed back and let me in for which I am grateful.

I am a body attached to a rash and that is an itchy situation.

On Top of

 

On top of everything else that went wrong last week, I turned out to be allergic to the antibiotic my dentist gave me  to fight off possible infection after pulling my tooth. I am now covered, head to toe, in a bright red measles like rash that itches insanely.

Nothing else has improved. I eat poorly when I feel poorly and I do feel poorly!

My toe still hurts even though I can walk with the aid of a soft cast and orthotic shoe. I have to squish my foot through a tiny latex hole in a waterproof bag when I shower and pry it out afterwards.

I am angry!

Angry at all the inconveniences that have erupted from the medical profession trying to cover its a _ _.  It is hard to be sure what is necessary and what is just "in case of."

They don't want to be sued, so they go overboard and my body does not tolerate any foreign substances easily.