Heartbreaking

 

Everyone assumes that change is part of living, or so I thought.

 From the moment I went away to school I began the quest to find a better way, a better life, a better me.

Sometimes I was successful. Other times not so much, but I do believe that, in general, I have gone the right direction. I learned not to be passive aggressive. I would rather be truthful and if that doesn't suit you, then we need to either work on it, or go separate ways.  I learned not to enable, or be co-dependent, because it hurts everyone in the long run. None of these things were easy in any way for me.

I am a naturally inquisitive person. Always looking for new and better ways to do something. I believe that there is nothing that cannot be improved in some way. I may not understand what that way is right now, but as I grow I am confident it will appear.

Every so often I come to a point where something painful must occur in order to move forward. My divorce was one of those places. It lifted a huge weight from my life and what I had thought would be misery turned out to be an enlightening like I could have never dreamed of.

Now I am on the eve of making another enormous decision that is so painful I am not sure I can do it, but as it comes to a head, my nightmares are increasing, headaches are becoming more common and the frustration level of dealing with someone I have loved my whole life, who was once my best friend and confidante, but is now the source of extraordinary frustration, pushes at me like a giant porcupine.

This person has been toxic for years and especially so for the last ten. I have tried pretending. I have tried ignoring. I have tried almost everything I know to overcome the terrible way I feel whenever I am in contact with this person. I am not heard when we talk. I am not listened to if I am heard. I am physically ill right at this moment. We have nothing good in common except our past and that is heartbreaking.

Joining in

 

I used to enjoy Facebook. Perusing the pictures of family and friends enjoying different lifestyles filled some of the void this past year. Now we all do the same things, with the exception of one friend who posts lovely nature photos. Eat, sleep and look for variety where there is none.

I have a great niece who posts selfies every few hours with the tag, "I never take pictures of myself." I have a granddaughter who posts self defaming posts like "Why am I so ugly?" Or "If you like me say this or that." I have a nephew who is into the "Nobody will share this." genre.

I have the crazy niece who sneaks onto her mother's page (Why mother does not change the password is beyond me.) and posts bizarre, meaningless combinations of words so badly misspelled and punctuated no one can tell what she is saying. Which may be just as well.

The thing is, people post the same boring stuff day after day just to be doing something I guess, and I read the same boring stuff day after day because I have nothing better to do.

So my new thing, my most recent hobby, has become getting rid of things. I live in a one bedroom, two closet apartment and so far I have managed to remove three car loads of things from my already pared down place. I am down to one chair, a lamp, side table and bookcase in the living room. I have a twin bed, small desk, two chests and a small keyboard in the bedroom. 

Monday I will take another carload of clothing to donate somewhere, but I am pacing myself because I am running out of things to get rid of. (I do have one large brown  wooden dollhouse to give away if someone wants to pay shipping?)

If I can't unload the craziness around me I can join it by becoming a minimalist.

Family

 

I am so proud of all my children and grandchildren. They work hard, help others and do not go out of their way to create chaos.

Which is more than I can say for the rest of my family.

Trump supporters, flat earthers, QAnons, druggies, masochists, enablers, liars, you name it and we seem to excel in producing them back home. 

I tried to pretend it wasn't true for years, but the longer we all live, the more apparent it becomes. 

People don't change. They do the same things over and over and over. And if expecting different results from that behavior means they are crazy? Well, they are some of the craziest people I've ever known.

I left home at seventeen and I think that was the saving grace for me. I used to go home to visit, but I slowly realized how unhappy it made me in the long run.

The pot is bubbling and boiling again. People all over the country are stirred up because people in the family are repeating the same old things they always have, but I think this time I might be done.

I think it might be time to sever all ties with the people trying to suck me into that crazy delirium they call family. It's just another one of their ways of creating the excitement they love in spite of its horrible, damning, destructiveness, just another way for them to get attention.

The only things they give me are headaches, bad dreams and the jittery feelings that come from feeling helpless in their presence.

Out of many, one

 

This inauguration was the most important one I think I have ever seen in all my years on this earth. The words of our National Anthem struck home like they never have before. The Pledge of Allegiance meant something to me personally. Tears slid from my eyes throughout the entire inauguration.

The broad spectrum of people participating spoke volumes. The choice of performers and the music, the way it was presented, the words of the President and every other speaker, spoke to me of the country I have dreamed of.

Today I stepped out of the darkness and into the light in an unexpected moment of pure hope.

The playroom is now off limits

 

On this, the last full day of the Trump regime, I think most of the country is breathing a collective sigh of relief. We have survived!

Barely.

And the reasons are rampant.

Trump truly is the buffoon I thought him to be, but he is worse.  Much worse. He is a man who embraces stereotypes like cookie monster gobbles cookies. 

Wanting to look big and powerful he wears his comical toupee and postures like Ricky Raccoon in a third rate gangster cartoon. 

Trying to woo the ladies he layers on compassion like lead based make-up that quickly melts off in the heat of the lights he wants highlighting every moment of his self absorbed life.

He used to twitter till the thugs came home, but once silenced, he simply raged like an impotent three year old.

Yes, I was wrong. I once (before 2016) compared him to a bullying eight year old, but he is actually an aging toddler let loose upon an unsuspecting world and allowed to rampage for four long years, nearly destroying his playroom in the end, I suspect it is now time for him to go sit in a corner of his golf course until the adults decide what to do with him.

Who are the people

 

No one could be more surprised than I am at the difference between what someone looks like and who they really are.

Sweet little old ladies are often vicious gossips who say and do the most passive aggressive things while smiling.

Hippie looking old men with long white hair, beards and soft voices can be the most manipulative people I know in their grab for power.

Intelligent looking people, well dressed in business attire are well spoken, but the words are often just words with no real truths behind them.

It seems the most popular, out spoken, well liked people are frequently more facade than reality. They know how to play the game and whether it is through experience or innate ability, the results are the same. They are out for themselves.

So when I hear people from both parties speaking calmly, in sensible voices that do not exaggerate or speak nonsense about science, the environment, or our health, I am impressed. I am still wary, but I have hope.

I am no longer the child who believed all of our governing officers are honest, patriotic, well meaning people trying their best to make this world better, but I have hope that some really might be trying.

By example

I want to believe I was a certain kind of mother, that I instilled my most precious values in my children while they were growing up. I remember it that way, but I know it is easy to remember things the way people wanted them to be and not necessarily the way they really were. I have seen that in people I know, so where are the answers?

In the eyes of the other people who were there.

Each of my children is his or her own person, but there is an underlying part of them that is the foundation I laid when they were young and I think it is a good one. They are thinkers. They are creative. They are hard workers, proud enough of whatever they do to do their best because it is the right thing to do. They are very child oriented. One of my sons was a stay at home father and the other a home schooling, hands on father.

They are conscious of the environment and ready, willing and able to serve the people of their community.

I worried because my first son had me up on a pedestal when his first child was born. I went to visit and his wife said, "He told me everything would be Kumbaya when you got here." But I was only human. Just a mother. And eventually I fell off that pedestal. 

I am far from perfect.

But today my younger son said, "You taught us what to be and do by example. You taught us to be kind and considerate, to care about the world and people in ways that mattered. I've tried to raise (my son) that way too."

Nothing could have made me feel better.

Accountability

 

I warned people that voting for Trump was a mistake prior to the 2016 election, but the staunch republicans in my family laughed. I wonder what they are thinking now?

I could ask them you say. But I will not. Anyone who showed that little understanding of the man they were voting for has long since lost my respect. Our relationship will be minimal and only on a surface level forever more.  

No longer supporting him doesn't impress me. That is what all bullies and losers do when they find they can no longer benefit from their wrong doings.

The president of our country has set a bad precedent. When he wasn't openly encouraging them, like bad parents he has said, "No." at the same time he is laughing and egging them on. Children are never fooled and neither are the fools that follow Trump. They know he loves the ways of racists, white supremacists, misogynists, and whatever.

We now have freshman congress people who are like rebellious teenagers, acting out, breaking the rules, with no regard for the law at all. To them it is like some 3D video game and they are the heroes. 

This has to stop if Democracy is going to continue to be a viable alternative. Being cooperative cannot mean being impotent. Accountability is part of an action. There have to be consequences and those consequences have to equal the action they reflect.

Tildy's Tail

It was a tale of woe

A tale of Nooooo!

When Tildy's tail

Was sucked into

The ceiling fan.

Her puffy sides

Her fluffy lines 

All gathered close

By blades of brown

Without a sound.

(A sad saga of a birthday balloon set free only to perish in a deadly hug.)

Flying cats

 

Yesterday I was making a quiche when my blood sugar suddenly dropped. I shakily tried to put the quiche into the oven and spilled creamy egg soup all over my counter, stove, oven door, and down the cabinets to the floor. 

I live in an apartment so carefully set up that even the toaster sets off the smoke alarms, so when I run the oven I generally turn on the living room fan and crack a window to draw out any hint of smoke that might cause problems.

While I was cleaning up the quiche disaster I heard pop, pop, pop. If my hands hadn't been shaking I might have turned around sooner, but it wouldn't have mattered. Tildy, my pet balloon, that I wrote about a few days ago with such fondness, was now totally wrapped up in the ceiling fan!

After mopping the floor, cleaning the cabinets, scrubbing the oven and blotting the rug in the kitchen, I took my step stool to try and detach Tildy's tail from my fan. But I have nine foot ceilings and my step stool has nothing to hold onto when I am on the top step.

Unbalanced, still sweating from the low blood sugar and out of whack from pulling a muscle in my back this week, I could not reach my so-called pet balloon that I had ecstatically compared to having a flying cat, so now I have a balloon tightly wrapped around the ceiling fan and I am waiting for my son-in-law to come by this week and detach it.

New Year Realizations

 

What a strange year this already is.

Politically fulfilling all my worst expectations and nightmares.

Following months of not being with family and friends with no prospects for much more to come any time soon.

Realizing that a beautiful creature I love is fading fast and likely will not see another year.

Finding my own body fading too.

And yet I have a settled in feeling. A sense that my world is okay, even wonderful. I have finally felt lovable for maybe the first time in my life.

Me. Just as I am. Without weight to lose, or things I must do in order to be worthy.

And even as I feel it, it feels a bit tenuous, like something I always dreamed of that is too good to be true.

But I am determined to hang on to it however that might be.

Waltzing Mathilda

 

I have a pet balloon running freely through the house!

It was a birthday gift that I kept tethered to a drawer in my hallway secretary until yesterday when it seemed time to set it free.

At the time I really didn't think too much about it, mostly really believing that it might make its way to the trash this week since it is a bit deflated, but not any more!

As it bobs around room to room, peeking at windows and doors when the heat comes on, or I walk by, it has taken on a life of its own. More like an airborne poodle or flying cat than a balloon now.

I felt a fleeting affection for it today as it seemed to bob a bit lower while I was reading near it. That was when I realized that it had, perhaps, earned a name.

It is the perfect pet, requiring neither food nor water and because of that no litter box, or walking on cold snowy days. It simply hangs around, smiling down on me, and occasionally dancing in the air while its long curly tail swings joyfully.

I am

 

My heart burrows inward even as it expands into the universe.

I find my things settling in where they belong one last time and I know it is right.

There is warmth in this, a warmth that flows through me and around me so that I am separated from little. Like a turtle whose shell is dissolving I am becoming both more vulnerable and more a part of everything I hold dear.

I find myself pleased with my hair, its silvery strands just the color I would choose and even my face, round as it has become, feels right.

Winter surrounds me white and cold, yet comforting. As if it is meant to be. I am loving being loved and loving loving. Disappointment fades into the past even as anticipation disappears altogether.

Tonight I am at one with everything.

Friends, Americans, Country people

 

I am uneasy.

I consider myself a person who can be objective when I choose to, but right now all I am feeling is anger and I want retribution.

Anger that anyone seems surprised by the traitors who stormed the Capitol building. Anger that people think they can jump ship now and have a clean slate after four years of tyranny and lies. Anger that so many people are devoid of the common sense even a child might have when it comes to what they believe.

Of course I would like Biden to begin ruling our country sanely and bring about peace, but all of the Trumpists crawling out of the woodwork every time that racist, misogynist, lying, narcissistic manipulator twitters is going to make that very difficult. It is hard to deal with people who believe that truth is whatever you want it to be and science is obsolete. 

Nothing can get through to these people. Flat earthers - walk to the edge and take a picture for us, or better yet, step off the edge and see what happens. It's not hard if it is truly there to find the edge. Religious fanatics - if your god can be manipulated by prayers and silly rituals, what kind of creature is that? Why is it so human? Jealous? Needing adoration? These all seem like very Trumpian needs to me. Not godly at all. I suspect it's all just a way for you to feel more in control and self-important.

I am heartily sick of many of my fellow humans.

Revolting

 

The last wave of rats have begun jumping ship, but that should not make them less accountable.

Everyone who encouraged the lies and illegal actions of the last four years fostered the idea that our elections are not legitimate and is responsible for the lies they spread.

Culminating with Trump's treasonous acts on Wednesday. 

Aware now that he might have finally over stepped, he has turned on his own cult and called them out for the very behavior he encouraged. I wonder if they understand that?

I'm sure a few will, but the blood lust of the rest is not likely to ebb away so easily.  In their sad little minds, it boils down to abortion bad, Trump god. There is only black and white and ironically abortion is only important to most politicians during elections. It is their main tool for mopping up those too weak minded to understand more than catchy phrases. If your life sucks, somebody must be at fault. Right? If all else fails give them god and abortion issues.

I fervently hope Trump is called for each and every treacherous thing he has done during his entire life. I would love to see him as reviled as he is revolting.

The saddest day

Today we saw the results of people misusing democracy. 

People who didn't vote in the 2016 election allowed a man to take office who was never fit to be our president. A buffoon, a snake oil salesman of the worst sort, who now has a cult following of eejits who believe that truth is whatever their golden calf says.

And he's bawling out lies right and left because, for maybe the first time in his stunted life, he cannot buy, or force the world to give him what he wants. 

And what does he want?

Mostly adulation, adoration, undeserved love and power! This man does not want to be president of the United States of America. I wouldn't be surprised if he had won and tried to rename the country after one of his country clubs. He wants to be a dictator.  

And there are enough people in his cult filled with people, who are already living on the fringes of society, or participating in crazy religions that have idolized him, to wreak havoc on our democracy.

Because we play by the rules, or at least the rules for rich white men in the United States.

There is no way a Black Lives Matter protest would have gone down like this with only four people dead. There would have been hundreds killed, shot, arrested, but today we saw pictures of men breaking into the Capital building, twelve inches from law enforcement with guns, who were not shot, or arrested.

Today is the saddest day I have seen in the United States of American since I have been born.

With or without

 

Everybody thinks they know. At least almost everybody and it's always been like this. We use the knowledge we have to judge and name and depending on the times and the superstitions we call it witch craft, magic, miracle, science, conjecture. Sometimes it is simply denial.

One century's hottest topic is old hat for the next. Science, superstition and fairy tales braid themselves together to create the news.

There are always people too eager to accept possibilities and suppositions and there are always those afraid to test their faith, but in the long run we inch forward a little bit at a time. Often taking two steps forward and three back.

In the end it only matters to us. The earth couldn't care less. She is impervious to all the creatures that inhabit her body. They come and go. She only changes her attire. 

We are not so lucky. Our lives depend on the trees and the waters, the animals and the plants, even on the rocks and the dirt, the sand and the wind. Their lives and our lives are inextricably intermingled. We are part of one huge universal experiment that seems to be failing because of us, but the earth will continue.

She grew out of a cataclysm and she can do it again.

Happy something

 

The old year ended with my computer dying and the new one not arriving until today. My ignorance and search for a cheaper replacement has put me in the position of learning a whole new way of getting around. 

Following the past week where I finally learned to use my Iphone like other people have done for years, I am about maxed out on learning,

On top of everything else I seem to have some kind of bug with a low grade fever and no energy that makes me wonder if I did have COVID last spring. I haven't felt really up to snuff since then, but then again, that could be stress. I hate to think I am prone to stress related illnesses. But I am.

I guess expecting a new year to start with a clean slate, totally unaffected by the murk, mud, and must of last year would be asking a lot. At this point I am grateful that my children and I are all getting by as well as can be expected, which is more than many people.

I will be infinitely relieved when our new president is safely installed and we have some idea of the damage the old one will try to leave everywhere he goes. I'm hoping the world finds a way of dealing with him in the end.

So now I am just hunkering down in our icy snowstorm world, having my groceries delivered and biding my time.