Grieving

Funerals, memorial services, grieving . . . all of these are intensely personal experiences that must be dealt with in the way most meaningful to those who are most affected.

It is hard enough to face the loss of someone you love deeply without having to deal with those people who don't understand.

This is not the time to squeeze your way into the mourners and make it all about you.

If you have to ask who is going before you decide then perhaps the kindest thing you can do is stay home.

The people who love the deepest are not thinking about who stepped on whose toes, or whose feelings might be offended by someone else's presence.

They are just trying to get through the best way they know how by loving those left behind and supporting each other.

Haunting

Death is incomprehensible in so many respects.

I understand it on a medical level, but there is so much more to a person than just their beating heart and breathing lungs.

How can a body look so soft and alive and feel so cold?

How can I believe those eyes are not going to open again, twinkling when you say, "Still alive, dammit?"

How can I not call and get that awful connection with my own words echoing back at me while we try to solve the world's problems when we can't even make your phone work right?

How can I believe that I won't be taking anymore road trips on little ferries and up winding cliff roads?

I'll never see a bald eagle without thinking of you.

I'll never pass a royal blue PT Cruiser without hoping it's you.

You never made that last trip up here, but somehow I feel you near me.

You swore you were gonna haunt me and I told you not to, but now I wonder . . .

Courage

Opening yourself to love is the ultimate act of courage.

Although nothing feels better than that initial swoosh of warmth and total immersion in joy, eventually there will be almost unbearable amounts of sorrow and pain, because loving someone for real means accepting them for who they are in good times and bad.

At the very worst, one day you will lose them. If not to some worldly thing, then to that ultimate betrayal, death. None of us can escape that.

And yet it is worth it because nothing is as rich or fulfilling or meaningful as loving someone.

Learning to live with the loss of loved ones is the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life, but I've learned they don't have to be here for me to love them.

Love crosses all distance, all obstacles, everything.

Still alive, dammit!

I remember my brother being born. Dad took my sister and I to the hospital and we waved to my mother who was high up in the windows of a large red brick building. He came home and everyone kept telling us he would die before he was three years old. Maybe sooner.

But he learned to get around, not crawling like other babies, but scooting around on his bottom using his legs to pull himself along. Instead of wearing the knees out of his rompers, he wore the seats out!

It was just the beginning of a long life where he would always march to a different drummer.

Brilliant, but with a sense of right, wrong and interesting that fell way outside the box, he could be found sleeping in the sunshine of someone's driveway as a child, or picking up stray birds, possums and bones on his walks through nature.

He would give you his last dime, do the work of ten men, and was always there when I needed him, but he couldn't stop drinking until a few years ago and never managed to quit smoking. So many heart attacks later, minus two toes and with two more ready to be amputated, he found his kidneys shutting down and had some kind of gastrointestinal bleed that finally did him in.

Run into him, or talk to him on the phone and his first words were always, "Still alive, dammit!"

Well, he is no longer here.

I imagine him soaring high above the earth like the bald eagles he loved so much. Free of pain and earthly problems, ready to be part of the light at last.

Once upon a time

I've seen the fairy tale.

And lived it!

Fairy tales are the glossy photograph of life edited by a master developer.

The magic word is Remember!

Happily ever after is ephemeral, but so is the nightmare.

The secret is not to create false limitations. Almost anything is possible if you believe it. (And want it badly enough.)

Walk along the Way. Tame the dragons, love the princes, defend your castle, but beware of kissing frogs. (You don't know how they got that way.)

Good judgement is a sword best kept honed and polished.

Affliction

Every family has its traits, both good and bad, but some of them are quirky while others will kill you.

In our family there is the tendency to over do.

There is a general belief that anything worth doing is worth over doing! If you can walk a mile, then you really must walk ten miles! If you wash your dishes then it must be by hand five seconds after the last bite enters someone's mouth.

You get the idea.

This has been a nearly fatal flaw for some members of the family.

My father went out to walk himself to death because he was depressed and merely stumbled off the curb breaking his collar bone. He did die and ultimately this was the final blow, but it took years in a nursing home to come to fruition.

My grandmother ran circles around everyone in the family (maybe the world) until she had a stroke and lay completely paralyzed, unable to eat, talk, or move for the last years of her life.

My brother has always said he'd rather die than give up drinking and smoking. Looks like he's going to get his wish. (And he finally gave up drinking a couple of years ago.)

Being pathetic is not a good trait. You really don't want to cultivate it.

Little people

I love little people!

Those short little humans with the big eyes and sweet smiles.

The ones who like to cuddle up in my lap and fill my arms with love.

The ones who fill my heart even fuller than my arms, because they are so open and honest.

I love little people . . . even when they grow big.

That's my daughter!

Parents are always happy to hear good things about their children and that never ends, but sometimes it is more appreciated than other times. My daughter was a mystery growing up. She could learn, but never at the same speed, nor in the same ways other children learned. No one knew if she would ever even be able to support herself. Now she has been at her present job over eleven years, supports herself completely, has her own apartment, has raised her children and received this unsolicited note from a manager at the company she works for.

-----------------------------------------------

I just wanted to share a positive note about a ___(Name of the company)____ employee who does a remarkable job. Her name is _____ and she works at the outtakes at __(location)__. She is constantly on the move. Matter of fact, my nickname for her is "The Blur." But no matter how busy she is replacing an empty urn of coffee with a newly filled one, or cleaning the glass on one of the food display cases, _____ is pleasant and helpful to all.

I felt compelled to share my observations of _____, whom I see usually 1-2 times per day, because I noticed her normally usual busy pace has increased to near frantic levels. When I pressed it about it she said they are down one employee. In spite of the extra burden she has remained upbeat and pleasant. It's not often you see this level of commitment in service employees and I just wanted to pass along to management my observations and how pleased I am to see _____'s high level of commitment and competence.

________________________________

I couldn't be prouder.

Icons

Whether you are religious, or not, religious icons can have meaning in your life.

I have a lovely Quan Yin statue that is holding an infant. To a Buddhist she is a sort of female Buddha, a mother figure. To a Christian she appears to be an Asian looking mother and child. To me she is the embodiment of love and compassion.

I also have a small gold Hotei that was given to me by my nephew. Many people call him the laughing Buddha. He is the fat one who looks almost hedonistic. To me he is a symbol of contentment and happiness.

I have a Tara who is a female Bodhisattva representing liberation and success in work and achievements, but to me, first and foremost, she represents the hours of work my son put in gluing her back together when I knocked her off the wall. I did not ask him to do that, nor did I ask him to send her to me, but he did both out of love. 

Mostly the "things" in my life remind me to be mindful and aware of all the beauty that surrounds me. They remind me to allow the emptiness to fill from a place of joy and love and not fear.

Routines

Routines make my life better and when I break them, everything crumbles a bit.

I break them fairly frequently, so life is always an uphill struggle for me.

Today was Sunday, the day I get together with my daughter. We usually walk and we used to go out to eat. Now we do not go out to eat because both of us are trying to lose weight, but I'm ahead of her on the walking, so today we only walked 1.58 mile.

Normally I would go home, eat, rest, and then walk two to four miles, but since I had already walked my body thought it was in downhill mode. I was totally exhausted.

Then when I went to the store to buy greens for dinner, I bought all kinds of verboten things like cookies, donuts, and a sub sandwich.

It's not the first time I've done this, but this time I actually felt full and threw away half the sandwich. Of course that wasn't enough, but it was still better than I've done in the past.

Tomorrow is a new day. If there is anything I've learned, it is that.

Off the wall

I have made two trips to Goodwill, one to Decatur and a few to my daughter's house as I prepare for this move.

Today I took things off the walls and patched the nail holes.

I have a lot of pictures!

Some are family and some are artsy types, but I think I have figured out how I'll move them. I am going to pack all but the two biggest ones in my suitcase!

I mailed seventeen pounds of books to my son and picked up a change of address form today. Then I walked in an attempt to fill the hours between meals!

In between I cleaned the porch and the bathroom, and even my closet! I repaired a large frame and packed up the rest of my extra mini dollhouse furniture.

When did I develop this much energy!

Cleaning and packing and mailing

I know it's early, but I have begun the packing!

Cleaning out cupboards and drawers has many benefits. I find things I didn't even know I had.

Some I need. Others I don't want.

So I begin the distribution. Some to my sister. Some to my daughter. Some to my granddaughter and the rest goes to Goodwill.

How can a person who keeps almost nothing still have accrued so many useless things?

Tomorrow I mail off a huge box of books to my son and the funny thing is that it is missing the one book I said I'd send next. Because? I haven't finished reading it and the box is already full so there is no reason to procrastinate any longer. I'll mail it in an envelope with another book later.

The move still looks overwhelmingly huge, but I have done all this before. I know everything will slowly take shape.

Moving is a time for regrouping and downsizing.

Start Packing!

The lease is signed!

All the i's are dotted and t's crossed!

The deposit is paid!

The date is set!

I will be moving July 7th!

Now I just gotta pack all this stuff up.

Good news-bad news

 I feel like that old comedy routine that goes back and forth between the good and the bad.

My life is pretty good right now. My health is better than it's been in years and even though they are raising the rent on my apartment for the third time in three years, I have managed to deal with it in a productive way.

I found an apartment in the area where I raised my kids. It's pretty new, just the right size, has free internet and a lower rental fee than my present one. It is also guaranteed for two years, at least. And the first month is only half price!

The only problem is that I had to sign the lease before the end of May and I have to pay rent here through July.

But I have a 401K I can borrow money from.

But something went wrong with their records and somehow my account had a hold put on it until today when they figured out what was wrong.

But I was able to borrow the money from my sister until I can get the 401K money.

But the bank (and we go to the same bank!) is taking three days to transfer funds.

But ultimately I am going to move in July and I am very excited.

Good karma

I have been toying with the idea of looking for a new apartment for over two years. Once they began raising the rent every year I realized it was only a matter of time before I could not afford to stay here.

The prospect of letting my current landlords know I was moving two months ahead, which is required by my lease, always made finding a new place feel almost undoable. I love this apartment. I love the way it faces north so there is no direct sunlight. I love the view of squirrels and rabbits and birds in the trees outside my window. I love how my ferns look hanging on the porch and I love the way all my things fit inside without any wasted space at all.

Today, maybe it was that cup of new coffee supposedly packed with vitamins, I decided to stop just looking for possible new apartments and actually go see some.

The one I noticed last year was for rent and when I went inside I realized it is the one bedroom version of my studio. Not too big, but with lots more storage and in a part of town I am familiar with because that is where we brought up our children.

The rental place is having a special where they are cutting the rent and the deposit, as well as only charging a half month's first month rent. And on top of that they are willing to let me take possession July 2!

It's almost too good to be true.

Real time

I am sometimes overcome by the ineffable joy that is almost sorrow.

Life passes so quickly it is easy to miss the beauty of each breath's moment, but it is here.

Here in the memories of all those I have loved.

Here in the beauty of all my memories.

Here.

Now.

As alive in my mind and heart as it was the instant it occurred.

I wish now that I had savored those instants as much in their happening as I do in their remembering.

But maybe it would have been unbearable to experience that much love in real time.

It's almost not possible now.

Play's the thing

I cannot remember when my social life has been so perfect for me.

I no longer have to play Bridge which I find exceedingly stressful and that is one great stride forward.

I no longer have to compete to see who has the most beautiful home, or the poshest dishes, or the most intricately prepared food.

I have found women with like minds who enjoy getting together for coffee, or games, or concerts, or movies, or even a Masterpiece and Merlot or one of the Victorian Escape Rooms.

We seem to have the same priorities in so many areas that, for the first time in my life, I don't feel like an outsider.

Whether we are eating out, or doing something else, it is always something I enjoy.

Moving time

I am once more thinking about moving.

All the good things that have been happening to me were dulled a bit when I got home and read my email last night.

It seems my lease is up in July and the very best offer our apartment complex can come up with is still going to bring my basically one room apartment up close to seven hundred dollars!

All of the services and all of the perks (like facing north and having a yard behind it and them shoveling all the snow) start to pale at that price.

I think I can get a nice enough apartment for less and if I can't, I know I can get an apartment with a separate bedroom and a little more space for the same price.

Today I went to visit one of the apartment businesses.

Tonight I checked out things online.

But it's a little early yet. I have to let our apartment people know by the 25th of this month, but it's hard to rent a place that you can't pay for until closer to the 25th of the next month.

The number

Bestest says the number on the scale is just that -- a number.  He's right of course.

But today I want to celebrate a milestone.

To date I have lost 91 pounds from my all time high.

My self esteem has definitely improved and I'm hoping the results of my blood tests will show that I am healthier.

Add that to the fun I'm having since I joined the Women, Wine and Words meetup group last year and I think my life is at an all time high.

My dreams, which are always very vivid, have me living in mansions and the other night I was actually flying the plane. I feel healthy, wealthy, and more in control of my life than I have in a very long time.

That number on the scale is a concrete measurement that helps me stay on the straight and narrow and that is important, because I love to indulge myself.

Being happy about a number is better than celebrating with ice cream and pizza!

I know what I'm thinking

I watch the dogs on the trail and think, what good sports they are!

Dog etiquette is sort of a meet and greet, but people on the trail are always jerking their dogs around, or back, or shouting at them to not do this.

I look down at a smiling face, tongue lolling out of a pug nosed creature who is doing his best to be charming and I smile.

I am smiling because I am afraid of dogs I don't know and I want them to know I am very friendly and sweet and certainly not any kind of threat.

I find most of them leashed and therefore adorable and I admire both cute dogs and good owners who take them on walks.

But I also wonder what the dog is thinking.

Resilience

I think resilience might be the most important trait I have.

It doesn't mean I find defeat easy, or don't mind failing.

It only means I am willing to pick up and start again.

My husband once told our counselor that he wasn't worried about me because I always bounced back.  I wasn't sure how I felt about that.

I'm glad I am resilient, but discounting how difficult and painful it can be feels unfair.

Still I'd rather life be unfair than over.

Now and then

What if we took all the lists and dropped them in the shredder?

Without any supposed to's, or must be's, what would the world come to?

How could we live without the angst of being something we are not?

How hard could it be to be true to our best selves?

A fragile flower quivering in the breeze one moment and Indiana Jones the next!

The difference between this and that is now and then.

Now I know who I am, but then I was taught to be something I wasn't always going to be.

Trying to stay within the lines that somebody else drew causes a lot of angst.

Let us all be true to ourselves and allow other folks to do the same.

Feelings

We are sentimental creatures.

Imbuing inanimate things with unimaginable properties.

The brooch becomes Grandma.

The violin is Uncle Leon.

The dog is a child

And the child is our heart.

Love makes teddy bears talk

and dragons fly.

We burn with desire, ache with fatigue, glow with adoration.

Cry with frustration and anger and sorrow.

The dark side is so limited,

But we are sentimental creatures.

Nothing simple and yet . . .

When I tell people I have lost 80 pounds they want to know how.

I'm always torn between wondering how much they really want to know and the long and short answers.

The shortest answer is perseverance! Just don't give up no matter how badly you do, or how many times you fail, just keep trying.

The longest answer is intermittent fasting, only eat within an eight hour period every day, and keep the carbs and sugar down to a minimum, which helps type two diabetes and melts belly fat. Plus try to eat lots of vegetables.

The truth is: you have to find what works for you. What foods you love enough to give up the ones with extra carbs and sugar. The times of day you are the hungriest and the times when you really aren't hungry. And the triggers that set off the monster inside that gobbles up everything it can think of.

I'd say a healthy dose of fear too, but honestly that only goes so far. I don't want to lose toes and legs, or be trapped in a chair the rest of my life, so I try to walk between two and four miles a day at a comfortable pace which for me is between 19.5 and 23 minutes per mile. (I started out walking to the trash can and built up to this over a long period of time.)

But I can't say it enough: the main thing is not to quit no matter how bad you did yesterday, or last night, or this morning. Just keep on starting over.

Demographics

I have been walking on the Constitution Trail lately.

I don't walk as fast as many of the folks there and I certainly don't run, but I do walk about one minute slower per mile than I did when I was sixteen and walking home from high school with my best friend.

We would carry our books and walk the two miles home during our sophomore and junior year.

Now I walk between two and four miles depending upon the day.

Most of the people I meet are very friendly. They nod, or smile, or even say, "Hi."

But there are a few so full of themselves they can't be bothered.

Most of those are young women, or middle aged men, which I find interesting. Who would think there would actually be a demographic for the unfriendly?

The very young, the very old and boys of every age are almost uniformly friendly. Even young men dare to nod as they zoom past me, but not many of the young women or middle aged men. I have to say it appears the women uniformly ignore everyone. The middle aged men ignore everyone except the young women.

So life goes on along the way. Each one there for his or her own reason, but most of them not too busy to be nice.