Bears running freely through the camp

Bad dreams!  Scrooge might have had the most noteworthy ones, but mine are right up there.

Imagine going to a Boy Scout camp and there among the boys and the trees are bears, “running freely through the camp,” And perched here and there where I least expected them?  Mountain lions!

I was supposed to remain calm and act like it was normal.  If I didn’t the implication was that they would revert to their most heinous natures and attack me!  I went into the only cabin but knew that if I closed the door the bear was stronger than I was and could get in anyway and if he did, he would be angry and attack me.  When the bear wandered off I closed the door and turned around to see three mountain lions lying around inside with me!

The strain of remaining calm and unafraid was enormous, so when I was offered the chance to do a presentation I jumped on it and a woman took me into town to get some props from her apartment.

Her apartment was in a huge dilapidated building whose halls were crammed with extraneous living accoutrements from all the people living there.  She left me in the hallway and went up to her tiny apartment.  When she returned she brought me a sweater and a small suitcase with props.  The sweater was too small, but I took the case down to the street where it turned out it to be a convertible car, packed, so I could carry it.

I was walking around the compacted car trying to decide how I would do my presentation when my mother began telling me exactly how I should do it which was not what I had wanted to do.  I couldn’t imagine how to do it her way and finally just gave up and walked away from it all.  I opted for going back to the camp and facing the bears and mountain lions.  When I got there a man I volunteer with, now in real life, tried to tell me they weren’t really there.  I wanted to believe him, but as soon as he left, I discovered the bears and lions really were there.  He just hadn’t seen them.

Lots of conflict in this dream, but it is honestly like a small time capsule of the first sixty years of my life.  Today that conflict is mostly relegated to and contained within dreams and for that I am grateful.

Be what you are

Babies are naturally happy.  They put up with a lot of frustration and a lot of rules that go against their natural inclinations and still… they tend to smile and giggle at the drop of a hat.

That tells me that we are created to be happy.  That searching out suffering is not the right thing to do.

I know that a big part of my being a loner is that I don’t want to be constantly judged.  I’ve had enough of that in my life.  Now I want to find out who I am, what my natural inclinations are, what is it about me that makes me unique.

I watched my grandson bob to the rhythm of music with mad abandon and my granddaughter throw herself into the dance with no thought at all except that she wanted to be a ballerina.  She leapt and twirled, spun and threw herself to the ground with such joy and no apparent worries about how much she weighed, or how well she did it.  She only knew she loved it.

That is a gift people seem to lose as they grow older.

Maybe it is time to quit worrying so much about what we should do, or must do, or need to do and do more of what we want to do.  I have a feeling this might solve a lot of the world’s problems.  Without the stress and strain of trying to be something we are not, there might be a lot less need for drugs of any sort, both medicinal and recreational.

Acting out would become a thing of the past.  People would be encouraged to be what they were and therefore much more content and even productive.  We are such wonderful creations.

Love one another

Sometimes the tried and true ways are not the best ways.  They are just the most common and therefore, the most comfortable ways.

There are a few absolutes in this world.  We are born.  We die.  Gravity keeps our feet on the ground.  The wind blows, the sun comes up, the moon rises.

But that big adventure called living is mostly up to us and human beings have made up all kinds of rules that they believe are right.  The rules change depending on who you are and where you are -- and that is my clue that these are not absolutes.  They are simply things we are used to, or not used to.

If we love one another and truly care about each others well being then it is time to be a little more open minded about a lot of these things.

A world full of people hating each other because they don't agree on the rules is a lot less desirable than a world where the first rule is, "love one another."

"Love one another."  That is pretty open ended, but it is also finite.  Either we do it, or we don't.

Important things

Nothing beats snuggling with grandchildren.  Except maybe getting to be with your children while doing it.

Another day goes by when the most important things that happen are getting to the potty, getting the spoon or fork to the mouth and having fun doing whatever is happening in the moment.

We went to a museum and played in the space station, then dug for dinosaur bones!  We danced and shook eggs while the band practiced. 

The day ended in the bath tub with Elly the elephant and doing the back float followed by monster strokes.

Simple things.  Basic things. 

These are the important things.

Perfection

Today has been mind staggeringly perfect! 

We went to a restaurant that seemed custom made for me.  There wasn't anything in it that I didn't adore, right down to the "toilettes."  I had a crepe with spinach and feta cheese, cafe au lait and then the surprise!  They brought out a crepe filled with fresh bananas, strawberries and covered in whipped creme, then drizzled with chocolate that spelled "Happy Birthday" along the rim of the plate!  We feasted!

Next we went to the most amazing toy store I have ever been in.  My one year old grandson picked out his birthday present and we bought a few little things for his big two year old sister.

At home we opened one of his presents and watched him bubble over with enthusiasm before he and his mommy went shopping.  While they were gone my granddaughter and I did one puzzle after another.  She was amazing! 

For dinner there was salmon chowder, crab cakes, corn with red peppers and rice followed by custom desserts for all!  Cupcakes with tons of chocolate icing for the birthday boy and his sister, carrot cake for me and his mommy, and key lime pie for his daddy!

Happy birthday was sung to each of us separately, accompanied by the daddy playing piano and by the time I was ready to blow out my candle I had tears in my eyes.

I have never had a sweeter birthday in my entire life!

Just Birthdays

Birthdays come and go and I suppose the more of them I have, the luckier I am.  Not just because I am getting to live another year, but because the years get better and better.

I can't think of another year in my life that even touched this one.

I seem to have found the sweet spot.

Maybe all the hard years were just good training for this part of my life.  Maybe I just finally "got it" and know what is important. Maybe I have just been doubly blessed by incredibly beautiful family members and friends.

But I tend to believe there are no "justs" about it.  Each and every part of my life has been incredibly important in making me who I am today.  It's a process and I don't think any of us can bypass one part in favor of another and get it really right.

Each part of the journey develops an appreciation that is slowly refined and built upon.

Knowing this, I can't imagine what the next part of my life will be like -- I just can't believe it gets better than this!

I love holidays

I love holidays, but it is the every day stuff that often leaves a lasting impression. 

Those simple words and gestures that make up most of the long minutes and hours of a day are the real foundation of a life, which is why they are so important.

I don't need a great big Christmas tree, or a roasted turkey to bring gratitude to the forefront.

Sometimes all I need is the burbling giggle of my grandson, or the sweet smile of my granddaughter, the laughter of my son playing football with his daughter, or my daughter-in-law offering me a day of relaxation, the whistle of my telephone announcing a text from a loved one, or a phone call from someone dear, all of these things remind me of how lucky I am.

Sitting in a silent row eating popcorn while watching "The Cabinet Of Dr. Caligari" becomes an exercise in togetherness that will come back to warm the cold winter nights alone after I go home. 

Reading to my grandchildren at bedtime, watching my son string his guitar, or my daughter-in-law cook dinner:  it is the simple things I cherish.

I love holidays, but I love my whole life even more.

Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving is always one of my favorite holidays.  I love feasting.  I love the season.  I love any food made with pumpkin, especially pie and I love the whole idea of thankfulness.

My birthday always falls close too and I have never outgrown the joy of waking up and knowing it is my birthday!  This year it is a few days later, but close enough.

Today we wanted it to be as meaningful as possible for my two year old granddaughter so the past few days have been dedicated to teaching her all about this holiday.  Her parents extracted a bit of a movie that showed just the good things that brought it about.  They read her stories and gave her pictures to color and we tried to make the dinner as authentic as possible.

We cut up two little pumpkins and steamed them to make our pumpkin pie.  We cut up and mashed turnips and cauliflower and broccoli and made deviled eggs and corn bread and dressing.  We even cooked cranberries and raspberries and strawberries to make a compote.  There was a huge bowl of "yammies" and the obligatory turkey topped off with lemon spritzers and coffee.

There was music and singing after dinner.  Dancing and playing ball outside in the yard followed by a movie and snuggling inside.  Friends and family checked in all day long with loving words and wishes.

I have so much to be thankful for!

Momma's taking us to the zoo

Today we went out to breakfast and then to the zoo!  About two million other people had the same idea.  I have never seen so many people, or so many strollers in one place at one time.  We filed into the zoo, one after the other, while wondering if we really wanted to brave this kind of crowd.

The first animals we saw were dancing storks, which are amazing creatures.  The only problem was getting close enough to take a picture.  I didn't get there, but I did get to watch them and I have to say it is a sight I hope to see again.  They are so graceful and ostentatious!

Then we saw what is possibly the most beautiful cat I have ever seen.  It was a snow leopard whose tail was so big and fluffy it looked like it might weight him down.  After that the tiger came right up to the glass of his enclosure and I had my first real taste of how big an animal it really is.

We met up with some other people in the elephant section, which is made up to look like a far eastern temple complete with prayer wheels and gaily decorated shrines.  Ganesh was there in all his glory along with elephants and rhinos whose thick hides looked like modern day dinosaurs.

We saw lots of unusual animals, sea lions, white wolves, and a stilted fox.  That fox was right out of the Little Gingerbread Book!  I could see him urging the little gingerbread boy up farther and farther on his back until he sat on his nose and was promptly gobbled up!  Scary creature!

Tonight we ordered out and I had Saag Paneer, one of my favorites, but we sampled each others dinners and made a feast of it before daddy went off to band practice, mommy to bathe the baby and my granddaughter and I retreated to the living room to play dress up, sing and dance.

Later we tore up the bread for tomorrow's dressing and made the pumpkin puree for tomorrow's pie before popping corn and watching "Casino Royale."

Now everyone is in bed except for me and I will be there soon.

From dawn till dusk and beyond

A year ago I could not have walked around the block. 

Today I walked many city blocks with my son and grandchildren through quaint old fashioned neighborhoods and parks to a city train.  There we bought tickets from a machine and pushed the stroller up an incline so we could board.

The ramp would not go down so a man with a bicycle got on the train, stowed his bike then helped my son lift the stroller in.  After that he turned to me,  reached out and gave me a hand as I jumped over the void with my grandson in my arms!  It was partly his firm grip and partly the simplicity of the act that amazed me.

We rode the train farther downtown and then walked many more blocks to a restaurant called, Snooze.  It was a sweet little place with 1950's decor, round neo-modern booths and lighting right out of my Aunt Jo's living room!

While waiting to get in my granddaughter and I drew on the front sidewalk with chalk and when we came out someone had decorated our drawing even more!  The food was outstanding and my grandchildren were adorable the whole time we were there. Then we began the long walks and train ride back home.

By the time we arrived at the house both children were asleep in the stroller, but I found myself still full of energy, which was good because we still had a night of going out to dinner and shopping before baths and calling it a night.

I don't know how they live this way day in and day out, but for me it was a wonderful adventure and I loved every minute of a day that began before seven with music and dancing, moved on to a three hour walk and ended up late in the evening so I could write this thot.

Flying high

I don't think I have ever been happier in my life than I am right now.

It is kind of scary, because I'm just not used to such an extended period of joy when everything seems to be going my way.  But I'm not going to dull this joy by worrying about something that isn't even here yet.

I met a like soul on the plane and we chatted all the way across the country tonight.  Like me she has simplified her life right down to the bare bones and those bones are are so settled and content that they form a perfect bulwark for everything else.

There is no model for this in my experience so I am playing it by ear...

and the songs just melt my heart.

Weighty topics

Know how big a male Labrador retriever can be?  80 pounds! 

Now want to know why I’m telling you that?

Because I have lost one whole Labrador retriever off my body!

Imagine picking up one of those dogs. Now imagine how good it feels to put it down!

That’s me!

Celebrations

We love to celebrate our children’s lives.

The parties often begin before they are born.  Baby showers followed by naming parties and birthday parties move onto graduation parties and then to all sorts of other accomplishments. 

It’s for the child, but it’s for the parents too.  We love to show off our children!

The food changes from ice cream and candy to strawberries and champagne!  Oh and cake too, fabulous cakes made in extraordinary guises to fit the occasion.  The cake is a staple we never outgrow.

Some things don’t change.  

Parties cause us to remember all the beautiful times that led up to this one, or as one mother said while reminiscing about where she sent her son to school:

“I can’t complain.  It got you to where you are now.  A published author in Cookie Monster pajamas.”

Well-rounded children make life so much fun!  They are always our babies no matter how old or accomplished they become.

Celebrating them is kind of like celebrating ourselves.

Morning

The sun calls to me, warms me up and I awaken, but I don’t rise.  Instead I enjoy those last few minutes of stillness before my day begins.

Finally, my feet touch the floor and suddenly you appear!  It is as if my floor were attached to your warning system!  Beep beep beep, she is awake!

It is the first miracle of the morning.

Well, perhaps the first miracle is the sun, or maybe even just awakening to me.  That is the beauty of you.  You bring out the best in me.

Bringing out the best in each other is the best part of being human. 

A current of beauty

We are born into situations we have no control over, but life offers us opportunities to change that over the years. 

Lessons are learned.  Mistakes are made.  All kinds of things happen, but perhaps the greatest thing of all is learning what real love is all about.

Loving is such a gift.  It extends the art of being.

What enriches your life enriches mine, all the beautiful things that happen in your life spill over into mine. 

Then I need to share my joys with you and pretty soon we create a current of beauty, love and joy that grows exponentially!  Like eternity it becomes a circle that never ends, but continues to expand.

Catch yourself up in something like this and it is ineffably miraculous.

Lifestyle choices

I have a friend who wrote a poem called The Love Prayers.  They say, “Have no part of that which does not please you.”

That isn’t a hedonistic outlook at all.  It is a lifestyle that requires constant thinking and evaluation, not to mention hard work and dedication.

When I can’t do something with love I can’t really give it my best.  So I need to find the love in it or give it to people who can.

Finding that love can be one of the hardest things to do...

But it's not impossible.

Shadows

When shadows attack the best thing I can do is go look for bigger shadows and I don’t know of a better place than the woods.

The park is closer, but there is something primal about more isolated areas away from traffic and people that is healing for me.

The sheer size of the trees puts me in my place.  No matter how big I may feel, I am one of the smaller things around out there.

The paths offer me countless ways to go, each one uniquely ready to teach me something if I pay attention.  The shapes, the colors, the patterns!  The movement, the composition, the scents!  When I open myself to all of this my perspective begins to heal.  

It is all up to me: which way to go, how fast, even to move or not to move.  Every breath becomes conscious if I stand still and allow myself to simply absorb what is all around me.  And then, after a while, there is nothing – I am like all the other things standing there, existing there.  I just am.

Today the animals were all big and fat and fluffy, getting ready for winter.  A big-eyed cottontail watched me from under a tangle of bushes.  Squirrels scampered out of my path and up the bare naked bones of trees whose last leaves hung on like some people do, long after there is a reason.  A huge buck with a full rack startled and leaped into the air. The doe with him turned too, but she lingered long enough for me to pull out my camera.  I wondered why.

I meandered up hill and down; taking pictures, getting lost and then finding myself and finally following the sun back towards the western gate where my car was parked.  By that time shadows were long, but they were all in perspective.  None weighed me down.

I drove home relaxed and at peace.

Perfection

I suppose everyone has an ideal they carry around.  Something they imagine as near perfection, or nirvana, or heaven, or the ultimate way.

Mine is of a love that is so magnanimous, so unconditional, so huge and overflowing that even the ocean is small in comparison.  Such a love would end injustice wherever it was.  There would be no need for jealousy because that kind of love would understand all, be all, forgive all -- love all.

I’m so far from that kind of perfection it isn’t even funny.

And the one I experience it with is not perfect either, but he comes about as close as anyone walking this earth can. 

Absolute compassion.  Deep consideration.  Passionately dedicated to those things he believes in.  Always ready to listen and hear with an open mind.  Empathetic and understanding of all those fear based bad behaviors the rest of us seem to still have.  He would be the last to see himself as this person.

He is my teacher, my role model, my friend and I feel so blessed.

Wind diving

The river called me out to play

But Thor’s impending concert

Warned me away.

I went instead to a nearby park

Moored my car tightly

And disembarked.

Diving in I circled round

Sycamore bones dropping

Gray dead and brown.

Tree leaves crackling in currents spry

Man leaves floating

Like jelly fish high.

Hawk disappearing fleeing in fear

From spidery tree arms and

Plastic sacks drear.

The crows in their nests caw out their warning

“Storm coming. Storm coming”

Soon this morning.

                       

Squirrels scamper madly from main masts on down

Burying their acorns

In the wet autumn ground.

Children dance wildly puppets in flight

Arms and braids bouncing

Strings pulled tight

I ride on the waves of the sidewalks wet back

Wind dolphin frolicking

On concrete track.

The river called me out to play

But I chose to go to the park

Today.

Trait or less

If I could pick my most unbecoming trait, the one I least like and most want to get rid of it would be jealousy.

It is a trait hinging on the belief that love is somehow finite and limited.

The simple truth is that either I am loved, or I am not and probably most importantly…either I love or I do not.

True love wants only the very best for the beloved.  Anything less than that is something other than love.

A wise person once pointed out to me that jealousy is a childish trait, one we cannot help feeling, but do not need to act upon.  I understand that, but it is also a very painful trait to carry around.

I would never dream of owning the wind, or caging the ocean.  I cannot imagine clutching the sunlight to my breast in a tiny box, or the moonlight in a jar. 

Without jealousy to weigh me down, love might carry me away, drown me, warm me, and draw me into a place so perfect that my feet would never touch the ground again.

Shining moments

Traditions!

Every family has some. 

One of ours seems to be watching the first daughter work!  When our daughter had her first job at a Dairy Queen we used to all go, buy ice cream and sit in the back booth to watch her work!  When relatives came from out of town, we took them with us!

Her brothers delighted in standing in line and waiting for her to say, “Can I help you?” To which they would always reply, “I don’t know, can you?”  It was unceasingly funny to them.

So last night we went to watch her first daughter work.  We stood in line and her mother took pictures.  She asked, “What would you like?”  No one was there to give her a hard time with that line, but her little sister was there and so proud.

It was a perfect way to spend a special night with both granddaughters.  The one working was so busy and beautiful and competent.  That left time for the other one to tell me about her life and shine too.  

Passionate living

Passion is a gift.

I don’t believe people simply choose to live passionately.  I believe they might want to do this, but the actual act is something that requires so much commitment it is beyond sheer will power.

Passionate living means opening myself to possibilities many people wouldn’t even dream of.  It isn’t necessarily good, or full of common sense.  In fact, it can be, or at least can appear to be, just the opposite.

It means diving in with both feet, often with eyes closed in blind faith and a heart wide open to the possibility of incredible pain.

It is a willingness to take what comes because it is worth it.

It means that sometimes I must let go of heart wrenchingly dear dreams because they simply were not meant to be.

With great passion comes the chance of great pain – but it is worth it – and more importantly it is not really a choice.

And when it pans out? 

It is miraculous!

String Theory

I am my own worst enemy.  No one can sabotage my life better than me.

I believe that the quality of life depends a great deal on the outlook I maintain.  Once I become mired down in negative thoughts everything else goes to pot.

Of course there are negative events in life, but until they become the pivotal point there is hope.   As much as I know it is important to remain involved and connected, I also know that within my own sphere the choices are mine.

How I choose to react to everything is up to me.

Sometimes that means my life really must be lived in that very moment because within any given moment, most things are bearable, or even wonderful. 

Finding the love and the beauty of each moment is finding the God place, the place of power, the point at which all things are possible even if only for that moment.

A moment isn’t long, but it’s long enough, especially when I string a bunch of them together.

I think the art of good living hinges on string theory!   

The American Dream

I breathe a sigh of relief this morning, the morning after we re-elected a president whose wife wears her clothes over and over just like the rest of us, a couple who shops at Target and understands most women want to own their own bodies, take care of their children and families and have their own stab at equal standing with all the other hard working people in this world.

Today I believe we still have a chance to move forward into a place where we just might possibly treat all human beings with the respect, love and freedom they deserve, not because they are successful and part of the top five percent, but because they are human and part of the bottom ninety five percent.

Today my faith in the people of the United States of America is restored.  They are still thinking with their heads and acting with their hearts and while they know the road ahead will not be easy, they want it to be inclusive and just.

It’s hard to think of the future when your grandmother is hungry and trying to make do without using too much electricity, when your spouse is dying of cancer in a world where the technology to treat him or her exists, but is not accessible because you don’t have enough gold, where the welfare of your body depends on someone else’s whims. 

But the people in this country did just that.  They are willing to wait, to do the work, to walk the long road home so their children have a real chance to live the American dream.

Today

I cannot go to walk today, my timing's off, the world's delayed.

I missed the call that starts my day.  I know I can't go on this way!

Went to vote on the west side of town. Left off my earrings and wore a frown.

My socks don't match they're green and brown. Even my jeans are falling down!

It's cold outside, so drab and gray and the tornado siren just began to bray!

My coke is hot my coffee's cold.  I think that I am growing old!

Eternity

I love being in my own place with Bearnard snuggled up behind me.  Sleeping in my own bed with my own pillows, listening to the familiar creaks, groans and whirrs that say, “Welcome back.”

But I have other places where that happens too, places where I know I am welcome and where things often stay more the same than they do when I am “home.”

There is a warmth, a peacefulness, a sense of belonging that settles over me.  It comes when I hear your voice in my head or heart.  Sometimes I feel it in a hug, or a kiss.  More and more it stays with me no matter where I am.

And when that happens I have a sense of home that is mine forever.

Shatter Theory

Every culture seems to have its own creation theory.  Where we came from or how we came to be is something that really is interesting.  It gives a foundation to our belief system, like that hard surface children want under their Lego creations, or block towers.  Without it everything might come tumbling down at any moment.

We cannot conceive of being without being made or built. That made me think.

What if the Creator dropped his creation, his one ultimate perfect creation, one he had poured all of his love and skill into, one creation made of the heart and soul of a god!

It would shatter, spewing pieces of all shapes and sizes in every direction, all part of the original, but now indistinguishable from it or each other, seemingly random and unique pieces falling into being.

But the secret is that they would still be held together by the love of the one who made the original.  And those who understood that would find they were still inextricably connected in every way.  Except the one they found most obvious.

Of course we aren't gods so we don't see everything.  In fact, it is possible we don't see most things.  We see the things that seem important to us because we don't know what else to look for, but if we thought like gods our perspective might be entirely different.

The way it is

I go to Saint Louis and expect everything to be better.  Nicer.  More big city-ish with a dash of urban sophistication tucked in among the parks and museums.  It's always warmer too.  Everyone knows when you go south it gets warmer.

But the air is crisp and I am looking at wood piles and a fire pit. 

There are stones lying in the grass and I go over to look at them.  They are laid out among the left over violets and verbena from summer and tucked in among the leaves of grass some poet once wrote about.

I walk between the stones, following them as they morph from simple limestone, to deep red granite, its mica and quartz sparkling out at me from behind millions of years of time.  Ancient shells cling to other fossils and some sort of brown color swirls around the flat face of a stone that probably came out of river or creek bed.

A soccer ball lies off to the side, but I by pass it, preferring to follow the path between the stones, winding round and round through this Autumn day in the sunshine and shade of several huge old trees.  Coming at last to a bench right in the center of the stones I sit down and allow my mind the freedom to roam as it will.

That is the beauty of a labyrinth.  It takes me to places I've gone many times before, but it allows me new perspectives, fresh feelings.  It's never the way it was.

After a while I stand up and cut across to the soccer ball.  Dribbling it between my aching old toes I move back towards the house.

Time to write my thots.

Children grow up.

One day they are adorable five year olds and the next they are teenagers with friends of their own.

And yet...the child still lies deep within that tall, grown up looking shell.

Even better, the sweetness, the genuine-ness, still leaks out during the teen years drawing me in with an intensity that most adults cannot muster anymore.

Wouldn't it be perfect if we could somehow manage to hold onto all the most beautiful parts of ourselves as we age?

I think the world would be a much better place if that happened.